Lyrics:

[Berthe] She climbs a tree And scrapes her knee Her dress has got a tear.

[Sophia] She waltzes on her way to mass And whistles on the stair.

[Berthe] And underneath her wimple She has curlers in her hair!

[Sophia] Maria's not an asset to the abbey.

[Berthe] She's always late for chapel,

[Margaretta] But her penitence is real.

[Berthe] She's always late for everything, Except for every meal.

[Mother Abbess] I hate to have to say it But I very firmly feel

[Berthe and Sophia] Maria's not an asset to the abbey!

[Margaretta] I'd like to say a word in her behalf. Maria makes me laugh!

[Sophia] How do you solve a problem like Maria?

[Mother Abbess] How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?

[Margaretta] How do you find a word that means Maria?

[Berthe] A flibberti gibbet!

[Sophia] A willo' the wisp!

[Margaretta] A clown!

[Mother Abbess] Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her, Many a thing she ought to understand.

[Margaretta] But how do you make her stay And listen to all you say,

[Mother Abbess] How do you keep a wave upon the sand?

[Margaretta] Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?

[Mother Abbess] How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

[Margaretta] When I'm with her I'm confused Out of focus and bemused, And I never know exactly where I am.

[Sophia] Unpredictable as weather, She's as flighty as a feather,

[Margaretta] She's a darling,

[Berthe] She's a demon,

[Margaretta] She's a lamb.

[Sophia] She'd out-pester any pest, Drive a hornet from his nest,

[Berthe] She could throw a whirling dervish Out of whirl.

[Margaretta] She is gentle, She is wild,

[Sophia] She's a riddle.

[Margaretta] She's a child.

[Berthe] She's a headache!

[Margaretta] She's an angel!

[Mother Abbess] She's a girl.

[All] How do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Maria? A flibberti gibbet! A willo' the wisp! A clown! Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her, Many a thing she ought to understand. But how do you make her say, And listen to all you say? How do you keep a wave upon the sand? Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria? How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

-- Break out the cookies and milk (aimless@national_raffle_association.org), April 26, 2001

Answers

"She's a girl." Mother Abbess has been on NOW's short list for some time for that remark but now our Maria is too. Thanks a bunch.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), April 26, 2001.

Maria Deluca, as played by Majandra Delfino, is a successful breakout character on the GenX Sci-fi show "Roswell". She started out suspicious and shrill, and quickly became an entertaining character in her own right. In this piece, I suggest that despite her lip-service to assertiveness and individuality, Maria DeLuca has moved from being a strong girlfriend to becoming the mouthpiece for the insidious message that living through your man is character in itself.

-- (Rodgers&Hammerstein@Sound.of_Music), April 26, 2001.