Is this being unreasonable...? The Male Fantasy Pre Nuptial Agreement

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, for valuable consideration received (namely, the opportunity to share your bed every night) agree that...

Section 1.

In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five "whole" minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01

And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.02

I will never ask for more "foreplay."

Section 2.

I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to women - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3.

Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night gut, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01

I shall mention "often" your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom.

Section 3.02

And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4.

After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours until your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01

I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname.

Section 5.

In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01

I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner and hide their car keys so they have to stay.

Section 5.02

I promise to work out at the gym for two hours every day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.03

I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04

I promise to shave every "possible" inch of my body and will always love your "weekend" beard...

Section 6.

After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men."

Section 7.

I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything "mechanical."

Section 7.01

With the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets.

Section 7.02

I may use a vibrator ONLY if you are there to help me.

Being of sound mind and body, I enter this relationship contract.

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2001

Answers

I mean which sensible young lady would have a problem with this...

-- Anonymous, April 25, 2001

Worked for me... :-)

-- Anonymous, April 26, 2001

I'm sure all of my women will sign that, no problem at all.

-- Anonymous, April 26, 2001

In a similar vein

Open message for any "girlies" from 21st century man!

Dear Girls,

For too long we have been divided and conquered in the name of equality, feminism and a host of other bobbins. No more! The man fights back!! Tell your friends, the 90's man is dead.... Long live the Man of 2001.

Listen up ladies, below is how it REALLY is.....

If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your arse down a gym.

Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.

Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.

Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

Saturday = Football/Rugby/Motorsport. Let it be.

Shopping is not a sport.

Anything you wear is fine. Really !!!.

Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.

Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat !!

All comments become null and void after 7 days.

Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.

The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship. (but a swift blow job would be ok !)

If you want some dessert after a meal - have some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.

A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

Do not question our sense of direction.

If you can learn the above, then man and woman can co-exist on a level based on love and mutual respect.

The ball's in your court ...........

-- Anonymous, April 26, 2001