Chicago Trib TAXI ORDINANCE WOULD PUT DALEY IN DRIVER'S SEAT April 23, 2001

Mayor Richard Daley wants to improve cab service in Chicago by using his awesome powers.

That's nice. He knows cabdrivers are the unofficial ambassadors of Chicago.

But the cabbies have a problem.

"Obviously, Daley doesn't know what we're going through," said Arnie Kast, a veteran driver of 22 years.

"He's never had a real job in his life. Always he's got drivers and bodyguards. And all his life, people have been kissing his [ring?]. What do politicians know about real work? Zip."

Cabbies are bothered by new regulations, as proposed by Daley's consumer services commissioner, Caroline Schoenberger.

Cabdrivers will be required to answer one radio call per day from "underserved neighborhoods," which, according to the Daley administration, mysteriously includes touristy Navy Pier.

If cabbies don't answer one call per day from "underserved neighborhoods," they will lose their cab licenses.

There are about 5,000 cabs on the streets each day. But there are not 5,000 calls from underserved neighborhoods each day.

So the policy is goofy.

"These politicians make me crazy," Arnie said. `I bet most of them never did a hard day's work in their lives."

Arnie, you're wrong. The mayor has done much hard work.

He's trained the 50 Chicago aldermen to do amusing tricks. These days, the aldermen are almost completely housebroken. Except when Daley yells at them without warning, which causes embarrassing accidents.

But the cabbies I met the other day at Mike's Rainbow Restaurant on Clark Street have a point. The mayor does need to get out more, among the people, without his muscle and without his unctuous aides.

"If Daley's going to mess with how I make a living," said veteran South Side driver Dave Mangum, "then he should know a little bit about our lives. And without his bodyguards and his yes-men, he's lost."

Eureka! I've got an idea.

It will bring cabdrivers together with their beloved city officials. The politicians would at least know what they are regulating. The cabbies would be less suspicious. And the politicos would have direct contact with the citizenry.

First, though, the cabbies should present their own legislation. Anyone can submit an ordinance.

You don't have to be a paper-trained alderman. Anyone can do it.

I'll even write it up, here and now, and I won't charge you.

WHEREAS THE MAYOR, the aldermen and Caroline Schoenberger want to regulate the cab industry, and WHEREAS they're politicians and don't truly know what cabdrivers face on the jobs--from drunks to murderous armed robbers and sex-crazed couples and well-dressed guys who demand to be taken to West Madison Street for a couple of minutes so they can "go upstairs and pick up a small package"-- the following ORDINANCE SHALL BECOME LAW:

BEFORE THE MAYOR, all 50 aldermen, Schoenberger and other bureaucrats regulate the cab industry, they must first actually drive a CHICAGO cab for one month, at night, for 12-hour shifts, using their own money for change.

THEY MUST DRIVE alone and without bodyguards or police protection, political thug protection, and without guns or other weapons of any kind--and that means you, too, Ald. Dorothy Tillman (3rd).

POLITICIANS AND SCHOENBERGER MAY NOT drive on North Michigan Avenue, or Rush Street, or Halsted Street, but instead MUST work on the South and West Sides, in "underserved neighborhoods."

FOR THE PURPOSES of this ordinance, "underserved neighborhoods" DOES NOT mean the mayor can hang out at NAVY PIER with restaurateur Phil Stefani at RIVA; or in BRIDGEPORT, or any neighborhood on the Northwest or Southwest Sides, or the airports, or in Elmwood Park with Sam "Pastries" Banks.

IF DALEY, THE ALDERMEN, SCHOENBERGER OR HER BUREAUCRATS FAIL to drive for a month straight at night, alone, then they shall FOREVER KEEP THEIR MOUTHS SHUT ABOUT HOW CABDRIVERS SHOULD CONDUCT THEMSELVES.

AND THE MAYOR and his menagerie shall each be required to clean the interiors of 100 cabs with little handi-wipes as drivers heap cruel insults upon them, or THE MAYOR must personally make beer and Polish runs for Kass at White Sox games.

Signed, every cabdriver in the city and their passengers.

"It's an excellent idea," said Milton Haynes, 30 years a cabdriver on the South Side. "But they don't get police escorts or guns. Come on out, Mr. Mayor, come on out, Caroline Schoenberger. Come on out, aldermen. We'll see you south of Cermak."

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2001