Consett is a small town on the edge of the moor. It is a cold place, where the wind never blows without bringing snow and where the inhabitants stand in front of their open refrigerators to get warmed. Like small towns everywhere, the people are friendly, have a ready sense of humour and work hard. Dougal's mam lived in a house close to the centre of Consett, a house where Dougal had been raised and a house where she felt safe. She was sitting on the sofa, innocently reading a book and sipping at nothing more intoxicating than a glass of orange juice. As she read, there was a knock at the door and two people came in. One of these people was Dougal's sister, a most welcome visitor. With her, though, was a sinister looking man, apparently the sister's new boyfriend. Remembering her mamners, Dougal asked the man if he wanted a drink and offered to take his coat. The man grunted and started to take off his coat. There was a bloodcurdling scream as Dougal saw the coatless man: he was wearing a red and white shirt. You aren't even safe in your home in these evil days.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

Answers

We all hear of these horror stories, but we never believe it could happen to us.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

Do they have an Exorcist in Consett perchance, Dougal? Failing that carry garlic at all times. You should be OK in daylight, but if you're caught short you can use the index fingers of each hand crossed over to mimic the shape of a crucifix.
May the Toon Force be with you, my child.

BTW, did the barbers pole's heed turn reet roond 360 degrees?

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

I remember this Mackem in my school (bad breath, full of spots)

I was arguing that Rob Lee was better than Kevin Ball for various reasons (this is when Lee was being picked for England, and scoring for them as well - he's got a better England strike-rate than the munchkin)

Anyway, he wanted a fight with me to "prove" that Ball was better. I didn't accept it, because I didn't know what I might catch, but I saw him when I was walking out of school and he looked at me then ran off. I was a bit puzzled.

Another story about that very same Mackem. Apparently he was at a night club with his friend (yes, he does have a friend, although where his friend is right now, nobody knows) and they got talking with these girls. The Mackem offered to let one of the girls stick her hands down his trousers. The girl obliged, had a feel around, laughed a bit then turned to her friend holding her index finger and thumb only a inch apart and the Mackem turned beetroot. He never lived that one down at school for weeks.

My next door neighbour is a Mackem as well. Every time the scum are doing well and we aren't doing so good, there are letters and newspaper articles and emails coming the way of me and my brother. As soon as Newcastle start winning though, the correspondance stops. At first, the banter was a bit of fun, but now he's obcessed. He sent me some letters from the Journal (a Mackem editor of course) saying how Bobby should resign because he hasn't got any tactical knowledge or man management skills. No real evidence to back any of this up, but the letter was printed anyway.

Surprisingly, after the Mackems came away with the points at SJP this season, he didn't appear or gloat about it. Very strange that one. The weirdest thing is that his blinds have never been opened in the 5 years we have lived next door to him.

In the words of Kevin Keegan, I'm going to love it if we beat them, love it.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

Dougal, you could give Steven King a run for his money. Best piece of horror prose I've seen in awhile. Get thee to the Strawberry and cleanse thyself of any evil spirits that may still be surrounding you.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

Dougal it could be worse - it could be your sister :(

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

...or end up being your brother in law...gulp!

top stories Paul - never a good idea when cousin's marry is it? ; ))

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2001

I once had my head superimposed onto an image of a man wearing a Sheffield United shirt - I think it was about the time of the semi-final, if I'm not mistaken.

I'm still angry, and no rik - I shall'nt forgive you.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2001

The horror is that no one in the entire family apart from me has an issue with this Makem: I'm sure I was adopted.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2001

Kegsy, actually, my other sister isn't really a football supporter but did have a flirtation with Sunderland when she was a kid. She's about ten years older than me but I have a clear memory of her going out to Roker Park with her Bay City Roller trousers and a red and white scarf on. Urgh... Hard to believe we share the same gene pool.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2001

Dougal - where did you go to school and where abouts in Consett do you live?

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2001

Went to St Patricks, Englsih Martyrs and St Bede's (and another school out of the area). I live in London normally but I'm at home at me mam's place convalescing. She lives on Medomsley Road.

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2001

OK - I went to Moorside and lived at Number One. Left for Poly in '86

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2001

Blimey - small world!

-- Anonymous, April 23, 2001