Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during work hours in front of their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of your being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without the risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late. Instead of: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible. Instead of: No fucking way.

Try Saying: Really? Instead of: You've got to be shitting me!

Try Saying: I see. Instead of: Blow me.

Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead of: Tell someone who gives a shit.

Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead of: It's not my fucking problem.

Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead of: What the fuck?

Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented. Instead of: This shit won't work.

Try Saying: I'll try to schedule that. Instead of: Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues. Instead of: He's got his head up his ass.

Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead of: Eat shit & die.

Try Saying: So you weren't happy with it? Instead of: Kiss my ass.

Try Saying: I'm a bit overloaded right now. Instead of: Fuck it, I'm on salary.

Try Saying: I don't think you understand. Instead of: Shove it up your ass.

Try Saying: I love a challenge. Instead of: This job sucks.

Try Saying: You want me to take care of that? Instead of: Who the hell died and made you boss?

Try Saying: I'll get right on it. Instead of: Bite me.

Try Saying: He's somewhat insensitive. Instead of: He's a prick.

Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead of: She's a ball-busting bitch.

Try Saying: I think you could use more training. Instead of: You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

Thank you, Human Resources

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

Answers

Try Saying: Let me refresh your memory. Instead of: How the fuck do you find your way to work every day?!

(I've been guilty of using the latter.)

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

Oh hell, I get these tips now that I'm retired. Where was this information when I needed it.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

I have got to ask, do people really say these things. I know I never would. These kind off words would be very impolite. I would kick someones but, but I woun't say these words.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

Yes, Shade, people really do say these things. I've been known to say one or two of them on occasion.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

I have to admit, I have said more than a few of these!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

The folks I work with about died laughing today reading this... the owner of the company is always trying to get us to tone down our language...

IT is a high stress job, and well, you have a tendency to get a little prickly when the customers are out of earshot :)

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

Shade...'fraid so. The lingo of factory labor.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2001

Gr8...

I don't think you understand...

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2001

Carl, you are correct sir! I definitely do not understand! Nothing new here. Move along. Check your email.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2001