How do you deal with the unreasonable? : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

These holidays are getting harder to deal with every time.

My wife was unhappy because of the kitchen (the dyeing and the Easter dinner). I made and cooked the dinner while she had something else to do, and I took care of all the kids. “Make sure dinner is ready for us at 1:30, because we will be hungry”. That took about four or 5 hours. I cleaned up and did two loads of dishes. Just not to her expectations. We had salad, turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, corn, deviled eggs and with colas and pineapple juice to drink and ice cream for dessert (store ice cream, I did not have time to make it from scratch). I thought I had covered everything rather well. I started at 8:00am and everything was ready at 1:30pm. I was also to make breakfast for everyone and cleaned-up after that. The good thing is that I really enjoy cooking and I am pretty good at it. I am not so great at cleaning, but we do not have any bugs. The kids got hungry at 12:00, so I fed them some grilled burgers, hot dogs, chips and cold beans with juice. They thought it was really cool to eat outside in the ‘club-house’ for the first time this year and could they take their candy with them. (My daughter, the two cousins and the grandkid- 8, 6, 41/2 and 21/2, the two girls were the oldest, the boys were the little ones.) I said ok, but only three pieces each. My wife got home later than the three hours she said that she would be gone. That is not new so I was not very surprised that it happened. I think that they went gambling. Again, that does not matter to me (she was not bothering the daughter or me). Then proceeded to tell me how stupid I was. That isn’t new. I said that dinner was ready and that we should sit down and eat. She said ‘ Who wants to eat that F**ing S**t? Besides they had gotten hungry and went to ‘Chucky Cheeses’ pizza for lunch.’ And ‘Couldn’t I do anything right, just look at the disaster I had made in the kitchen.’ I said ‘OK with me. Just leave me alone while I have lunch.’ This lasted until she decided that her niece and kids needed to go home. I told them it was fine by me and I would not keep them. She began to tell me that it was my job to get them home since I was her husband and I had to help her. I said no and then mentioned that the keys were where ever she had left them and please go and do not bother me anymore. I am eating. She began to call me everything but a white man. She said this was causing her blood pressure to go up and she could have a heart attack. It was my job to help my wife. And when was I going to do something to fix all of her problems? I mentioned that I would call the Emergency unit after she collapsed and I was finished eating. And if it was too late, I promised I would make sure that there were lots of flowers at the funeral. I know, I did not need to stir up the hornets’ nest. I just got tired of every thing being my fault. She began to blame me for the fact that there are children starving to death in Central America and dying from the floods. I promised that I would talk to God tonight and have Him shut-off the water and turn-on the grow lights. Again ‘no brownie points’. Yes, I crumbled and took everyone to where she wanted them. I know that I should leave her and get a divorce, but I also know that she would take the child and go underground. She has done that in the past when she felt that she was being chased. That is the part I could not handle. The little girl and I are the best of friends. We do lots of things together. From painting Easter eggs to going to movies together. For a treat, we often go to her favorite dining establishments to eat (Taco John’s or McDonalds). I do not care too much for them, but she thinks that they have the best food. Even better that what I can make. (But not as good as what we make together. I know because I have asked her.) Joint custody is the best I could hope for here (where I live) and the worst would be ‘court ordered visitation’ but no enforcement of it. Besides, she has told me that she would disappear with the little girl rather than letting me near my child after causing the divorce.

I just needed somewhere to rant and rave. I don’t expect answers to my problems. I have to find them myself. Just as I have found my own solutions in the past. I had just thought that being married meant that you would have someone to support you when you needed it and someone that you could support when they needed some help. Guess I was wrong in my case. It will always be me supporting me.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2001


Bill, I and many other people have been there.... your story sounds so familiar...

Please join safe-support, if you're not already a part of it. Also, please read Abused Men, by Phil Cook. And keep an eye on the SAFE webpage, especially on the resources page. There may be services in your area that will help men out...

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2001

Another thought, about dealing with the unreasonable:

one thing I read in a logic textbook is that it is illogical to respond to illogic with logic. Essentially, you can't make a logical argument to someone who isn't thinking logically.

I think that's something I found impossible to understand while I was married. I just couldn't understand what my ex-wife was doing.

"she has told me that she would disappear with the little girl rather than letting me near my child after causing the divorce. "

She uses this for power, because she knows that ultimately, if she says this, you'll do anything she wants.

For me, the issue was my ex-wife said she'd kill herself if I left. I completely believed her. When I left, I was absolutely certain that leaving was equivalent to killing her. But I was losing my sanity, and I felt like I was dying myself.

-- Anonymous, April 20, 2001

Hi, Sounds soooooo familiar! I left a year and a half ex-wife has Borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, obsessive compulsive personality disorder----isnt that enough..? But with all that the best I Was able to get so far is Joint Custody!! The last year was tough but it was the best year of my life!!! I read all the books already mentioned and they were a big help!!

Hope you find the strength to take your life back and do what is right for you!!! Thats the only way you will survive....

Bless you all John

-- Anonymous, May 08, 2001

I don't have all the answers either Bill however, please realize that it is a power play and you cannot control what she does or says. Somewhere at sometime you will have to find the strength to take control of your life and do what is right for you beyond the shadow of a doubt. Please document your fights, her name calling and whatever other abuse is there as that may be your key to saving your daughter when you are strong enough to go. That will help win custody. I have been through this with my brother. He was married for 21 years and abused just as long. I understand that it is not easy to just leave. But the time will come when you are ready. The first step has been taken, you realize there is a problem and its not a healthy situation. I will be praying for you and if I can help in anyway, please don't hesitate to contact me at my email address. I wish you the best of luck, hang in there, you will become stronger each time and you will be able to do what you need to do for your own sanity. I'm very proud of my brother for breaking free after all that time, and yes, he has three children. Good luck my friend, may God be with you!

-- Anonymous, May 22, 2001

Bill think of yourself and your daughter you are both suffering emotional abuse from this women. I speak from experience as the little girl in your story. I know that it is harder for fathers to get custody of their children, but it is worth fighting for.Best of luck

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2001

Bill think of yourself and your daughter you are both suffering emotional abuse from this women. I speak from experience as the little girl in your story. I know that it is harder for fathers to get custody of their children, but it is worth fighting for.Best of luck

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2001

Bill think of yourself and your daughter you are both suffering emotional abuse from this women. I speak from experience as the little girl in your story. I know that it is harder for fathers to get custody of their children, but it is worth fighting for.Best of luck, and be strong for your daughter

-- Anonymous, June 17, 2001 ---- my E-mail has changed to:

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2002

I too have been living in an all too similar situation. MY soon to be ex has "put me through the wringer". He was hospitalized for a suicide threat.(Tried blaming me, for his hospitalization) He controls who I talk to and where I go. (He goes off with friends for hours and hours on end) He snaps out of nowhere. (I made a face... I said the wrong thing... I didn't say the anything...) When he "blows up", he will not allow me to walk away, standing in between me and the door. He calls off work, or goes in late, several times a month, over fights that "Aren't finished yet". I remain as calm as possible, but that just upsets him and gets him evn more riled up. I have a sarcastic personality.... and when he subjects me to one of his rages, eventually I too, like you, will make snide remarks. In short, he takes blame for nothing, and blames everyone that is forced to be around him for everything that happens. IT has taken me a long time to get out, but I am in the process. I have gone so far at the request of my attorney, to get a restraining order, to serve right along with the divorce papers. It's scary not knowing when the next blow up will happen. We have two children together, and he too has used them to keep me with him. I decided not to live in fear anymore. It's not healthy for anyone...especially not myself or my kids.

-- Anonymous, May 24, 2002

Needn't belabor the point that you are a whimp. This isn't about your touchy-feely bullshit. It's about power. You hire the toughest (female) divorce lawyer in town. You hire a PI to help track your daughter, electronically. If you can't pay for the stuff, work three jobs.

-- Anonymous, August 18, 2002

Well, I take no pleasure in your stories yet,it is very helpfull to hear I am not alone. Let's not get into name calling details. My situation is not unlike the others. We went as far as going to counseling with my Pastor and He said that it would be best that we should seperate. He thought the children were suffering. I have tried leaving my Wife. She went straight to the court house and got her-self an order of protcetion. She said I abused Her;and with no physical evedince at all, the judge gave her our children, my house, my car, 20% of my pay check and a protection from mean old Me. I got a personal visit at work from the police dept. Who allowed me a escorted trip to my very own home and the privelige to collect all my personal belongings. This was to include clothes and tools for work. I wasn"t allowed to take a fishing pole or video game to occupy My new found free time. I got a whole hour every week at the DCFS office with my daughter. I was denied all rights to my step daughters. Or should I say Her other kids. My kids set on the couch crying while I gathered my things, the officer said He could not allow any contact with the children. My heart sunk and I cried for the next six months. I lost my job due to my own self destruction that had begun in my new life without any family. I took to drinking heavily. In fact the only time I was sober was on tuesday's @ 3:00 pm to 4:00pm when I got to see My daughter. At first I was hopefull. Then she was granted a full two year order of protection. She had a well thought out story and her parents who live in N.C. came to confirm Her story. I was defeated, months without a greater purpose (my children) in life and I crumbled. Alcohal became my therapy. I moved into my parents and quit my job. I then begin to make all her dreams come true I became that loser who everybody knew was just a matter of time before I was either in jail or dead. I had a couple of run'ins with the Police. My lawyer said that the facts are she was going to get everthing she ask's for. I only confirmed Her alligations by getting in trouble on My own. To make a long story longer, heres my problem. After 14 months I beat the order of protection in an appeals court. Luckly the supreme court system goes off of facts. Without ant hesitation I grabbed my things and went directly home to my children and kissed them all. That truly was the greatest day in my life up to that point. Now every day is better than the last. I have a new found relationship with my kids and it has been 20 months that I have been sober. That is too include 18 months of probation and rehabilitation. I have been working steady for the last 12 months and it's been 9 months since I moved back home. There's just one problem SHE HASN"T CHANGED A BIT> I grew greatly through all the abuse courses that I was forced to attend but there is still hurt and anger for the lost time she caused me and my kids. My daughter is now 4 and every time her Mom gets mad and threatens to throw me out again she cries and many times pee's her pants. I 'm dying here I know I cannot even talk back to my wife because that would be verble abuse and it would be another two years with out my kids.Please someone HELP> What do I do? I know that I have not answered your question but maybe someone will learn from me what not to do.


-- Anonymous, February 08, 2003

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