NYDailyNews

Dumb & Dumber

Oh, America, a never-ending carnival.

In Washington, police led a l2-year-old girl off the Metro for eating a French fry. In California, the City of Glendale fought a nine-month legal battle to force a gasoline station owner to take down his display of American flags.

On Broadway, a lobby sign warned theatergoers to brace themselves: The show "contains scenes of explicit violence and cigarette smoking." Critic Robert Brustein wrote: "What's next, printed cautions about the nonorganic candy at the refreshment counter?"

The French fry felon, Ansche Hedgepeth, was caught in a week-long crackdown by undercover Metro cops. After cuffing her, the police pulled the laces out of her tennis shoes, possibly to prevent her from hanging herself out of shame. She was frisked, fingerprinted and booked.

Like other food criminals (Jeffrey Dahmer, Hannibal Lecter), she seems to think her crime wasn't very serious. But the police chief said, "We really do believe in zero tolerance."

In the flag case, Jordanian immigrant Kelly Khoury had been flying 20 American flags at his gas station. Glendale ordered him to take down 17. Khoury fought back and won. A gracious winner, he voluntarily reduced his display to 13 — one for each original colony. "I don't want to rub it in the face of the city," he explained.

At Princeton, zany pro-infanticide Australian ethicist Peter Singer was in the news again, this time for sympathizing with people who approve of sex between humans and animals. Singer, the primary founder of animal liberation, thinks there is no important distinction between humans and animals. His review includes a detailed discussion of chickens that many readers will be eager to skip.

Runner-up in the category of worst prose about animals came in a letter from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. The group wrote to the warden of the Indiana penitentiary where Timothy McVeigh awaits execution, asking that the final meals of the Oklahoma City bomber be vegetarian. "Mr. McVeigh should not be allowed to take even one more life," the letter said. "Feeding inmates bean burritos rather than baby back ribs might just break the cycle of violence. ... Nonviolence begins in the kitchen."

The belief that eating meat causes anger and violence is a standard notion on the cultural left. (On the other hand, Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian.)

Identity politics on college campuses have reached their logical conclusion. Homosexuals hold their own graduations at 18 or more colleges. At the University of California at Los Angeles, the Lavender Graduation will be June 16. The graduation for Latinos will be at 7 p.m. June 17, just after the separate graduations for Filipinos, Asian Pacific Islanders, African-Americans and Iranians.

American Indians, who after all were here earlier than other groups, will graduate earlier, on June 15.

Finally, we have entered the golden age of free zones. We have violence-free, sex-free and even ferret-free zones. The entire Unitarian Universalist Association is a nuclear-free zone, and you simply cannot bring a nuclear bomb into Arcata, Calif., which is a nuclear weapons-free zone.

Like some other campuses, New Mexico State University has a few free-speech zones for demonstrations and leafleting. Some brazen students have been attempting to speak freely outside these designated areas. This is a very good sign, since so many campuses seem to be turning into huge First Amendment-free zones. Now if they just could be convinced to become PC-free zones instead.

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2001

Answers

seems about right.

Are there any cities left that allow kids to buy magic markers without a guardian being present?

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2001

On the college graduations, what happens if you are half American Indian and half Latino? When would you graduate?

On the nuclear bomb... what would they do if they had an incoming bomb?

As far as free-speech zones... oh boy! All I can say is that where I work it is VERY political and VERY.... em... er.... non free-speech. If I said 1/10th of the things that I wish I could say, I'd be quickly shown the door. This PC bull crap is just that... bull crap!

I exercise my First Amendment rights whenever I can, and do so with pride. However, I do like to live under a roof and eat fine food. I've been 'warned' of expressing my thoughts at work. :(

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2001