In a precautionary measure the Government has decided that in order to safeguard the future of British farming, 'everyone' in the United Kingdom should be destroyed.
This policy
was agreed by
the Prime Minister late last night at a secret policy meeting in
Gloucester in
front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit torches and waving pitchforks.
It was
explained to the PM that, far from being their own fault, as simple
country-dwelling folk, they could not be expected to deal
with "citified
new-fangled nonsense" such as "insurance" and "vaccinations".
Poverty-
stricken
farmer Derek Gadd of Oswestry, speaking to us by satellite link from
his luxury
yacht, currently moored in the Adriatic, said that if this crisis
continued he
would soon be down to his last three million in the bank, and he
demanded that
the taxpayer "bail me out immediately".
Mr Blair
has
concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers is to
ensure that
"all living things" within a hundred mile radius of the British coast
line are
"immediately exterminated". The army and police have been called in,
and the
slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin at midnight. It
is expected
that within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all
people in
Cheshire due for destruction a week on Tuesday.
Televisio
n
companies are reported to be "overjoyed" at this news. Channel 4 is
already
planning a themed game show "Big Barbecue" where the public will ring
in and
vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated first, and ITV
will be
showing 24 hour coverage, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des Lynam,
who will be
ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation.
Farming
expert Dr Hugo Z. Hackenbush commented that these measures were "a
proportionate
and measured response to the crisis - the Government's proposal is
entirely
understandable, I fully support them," he said as he booked his
flight to New
Zealand. It is expected that within two weeks of this policy being
carried out
foot and mouth disease will entirely eradicated from the United
Kingdom. The
Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan was unlikely to
affect the
date of the General Election
-- Anonymous, April 09, 2001