(I know these missives strike you as totally in character and genuine but please remember they're all satire.) WSJ Yenta

Barbra Streisand's other letters. BY CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY

Friday, April 6, 2001 12:01 a.m. EDT Barbra Streisand has sent a three-page memo to top congressional Democrats, accusing them of being "paralyzed, demoralized and depressed" since the election, Ms. Streisand's publicist confirms.

"We have a President who stole the presidency through family ties, arrogance and intimidation, employing Republican operatives to exercise the tactics of voter fraud by disenfranchising thousands of blacks, elderly Jews and other minorities," the singer-actress charges. "I hope you're through arguing among yourselves and distancing yourselves from President Clinton."

Yesterday Ms. Streisand's publicist also confirmed she had dispatched a number of other missives.

• Barbra Streisand has sent a scorching 15-page memo to top leaders at the Pentagon accusing them of being "putzes" for sending electronic surveillance aircraft near the Chinese coastline.

"Are we at war with China?" writes the star of "For Pete's Sake" and other films. "I didn't hear anything about that. What do we care what they're up to, anyway? They're nice people, the Chinese, and their military donated generously to President Clinton's re-election campaign in 1995 or 1996. Whatever. The real threat to America is George Bush. Him we should force to land on an island somewhere."

• Barbra Streisand has sent a withering 18-page memo to top leaders at the State Department blasting them for "not bringing about peace in the Middle East."

"I've had it with you," writes the star of "Nuts" and other films. "Two and a half months you've been in charge and has anything changed? Every time I look at the TV, another suicide bomb. This cannot go on. Maybe if you spent less time kvetching about Marc Rich, a true Middle East peacemaker, and more helping Israel, we would not be in this situation. Am I getting through to you?" Ms. Streisand concludes the memo saying, "P.S. This is nothing personal against Colin Powell, whom I personally think is wonderful. Such eyes. That skin, I would die for. In fact, have him call me about this. Him I can talk to."

• Barbra Streisand has sent a blistering 22-page memo to British Conservative leader William Hague accusing him of "infecting thousands or however many cows with bovine spongiform encephalopathy in order to make my friend Tony Blair--I could squeeze him--look like a schmuck." The star of "What's Up Pussycat?" and other films writes she was "sick and tired" of seeing piles of dead cows being burned, and charged that the recent epidemic of BSE was "Tory revenge for Tony's courageous ban on fox hunting."

• Barbra Streisand has sent a withering 28-page memo to NASA accusing the space agency of "dragging feet." "Why haven't we landed on Mars yet?" writes the star of "Yentl" and other films. "Is this 2001, or 1901? Is there a problem?" Ms. Streisand says that if "Bill Clinton--such strength, such charisma, don't get me started--were still in charge, we'd be on Pluto by now."

• Barbra Streisand has sent a fulminating 35-page memo to the National Institutes of Health demanding to know "why you haven't cured AIDS yet." The star of "The Way We Were" writes that she has "had it up to here"--she does not indicate which body part--"with excuses, excuses, excuses" and says that if the disease is not eradicated by June "at the latest," that "you'll be hearing from my close personal friend David Geffen."

• Barbra Streisand has sent an incendiary 42-page memo to the head of Nasdaq accusing him of "losing more of my money in this Republican stock market than my last five movies combined." "When Bill Clinton was president--and whose bright idea was it that you only have two terms as president? Republicans!--every day I made money. Some days, God made less than me. Now look. Cisco, down. Amazon, I can't look. CMGI, the Titanic. Thank God for Philip Morris is all I can say, and I don't even smoke. With a voice like mine, you'd be crazy to."

• Barbra Streisand has sent a livid 55-page memo to the Commerce Department complaining that the upholstery in her "brand new" Mercedes "smells funny." "I paid good money for this car," she writes. "Don't you inspect them after they arrive here from Germany? When Bill Clinton was president they didn't let in cars that smelled." She concludes the memo saying, "And why are we trading with Germany anyway? Haven't you seen 'Saving Private Ryan'? Are you anti-Semitic?"

Mr. Buckley is editor of Forbes FYI. His new novel, "Trial of the Millennium," will be published next year by Random House.

-- Anonymous, April 06, 2001

Answers

There now, doesn't it look better now that I pried the paragraphs apart?

-- Anonymous, April 06, 2001

Just woke up, didn't know they were cemented. I hate when that happens. THanks, Barefoot.

-- Anonymous, April 06, 2001