[This just came to me via e-mail.]

Thou hast just received the Amish Virus.
Since we have no electricity or computers with which to create a damaging attachment, thou art on the honor system.
Please delete all of the files on thy hard drive after forwarding this to ten of thy friends.
Thank thee.

-- J. F. Gecik (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 04, 2001

Answers

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 04, 2001.

A certain monastery on a South Pacific island was home to monks who had vowed, not the usual vow of silence, but one of plainchant. They communicated only in Gregorian tones.

Each morning, the monks assembled in the chapel and the abbot would chant, "Good morning, assembled brethren."
The monks would dutifully reply, "Good morning, Father Abbot."

One morning, an irreverent reverend (a mocking monk) instead chanted, "Good evening, Father Abbot."
The abbot, not knowing who was the culprit, fixed them all with a steely-eyed gaze ... and sang in response, "Someone chanted 'evening!'"

-- J. F. Gecik (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 05, 2001.

LOL! Thanks for a pick-me-upper, John! : )

-- Fayancie (fayancie@hotmail.com), April 05, 2001.

[Thanks, Fayancie. Ready for another one?]
---------------------------------------------

An Irish immigrant farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Massachusetts countryside, except for a pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, "Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be sayin' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick, also an immigrant, told the farmer, "No, my good man, we can't have services for an animal in the church. But I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination just down the road, and there's no tellin' what they believe in. So maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right now, Father. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied, "Well, why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 06, 2001.

Hee hee~

(I got this one just tonight-)

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though they were a very large mammal their throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.

The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah" The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."

-- Fayancie (fayancie@hotmail.com), April 06, 2001.

Fayancie,

Hee hee, that was bad! Funny, but bad.

Best,

Frank

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), April 07, 2001.

Did you hear about the Catholic priest who went golfing in civilian clothes? He met a couple of guys on the links who proposed a $5 wager per hole, just to make it interesting. *Temptation is everywhere, even for priests*

They played 8 holes, and the priest lost every one to theses sharks. Boy, he learned his lesson! Afterwards, in the clubhouse, he showered and got into his black outfit, with a Roman collar.

On his way out, the two who had hustled him saw that he was a priest. They felt embarrassed. One of them even apologised, saying ''Gee Father. We wouldn't have taken advantage of you, had we known you was a man of the cloth!'' Father answered, ''That's all right, my son. I'll never play for money again. Say, are your parents into golf?''

''Sure Father,'' they answered. Both of us bring our Mom and Dads here ocassionally for a day of golf.'' Father says then, ''Well, why don't you both bring them here next Saturday? I can marry them for you.''

-- eugene c. chavez (chavezec@pacbell.net), April 07, 2001.

That was a naughty one, Eugene, but I smiled anyway.
Now Fayancie's was a whale of a joke (or a "hell" of a joke?). It cracked me up, Fayancie!
JFG

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 07, 2001.

A Sunday school teacher waws teaching her class about the ten commandments and had just finished talking about jow "Thou shalt honour thy Mother and Father," and then asked if there was a commandment dealing with siblings. One little girl promptly answered, "Thou shall not kill..."

~Skyelin~

-- Skyelin Demasque (skyelin@full-moon.com), April 09, 2001.

The new minister's car broke down just after the Sunday morning service.
So, on Monday, he and a friend pushed it to the local garage for repairs.

"I hope that you will go easy on the price," he told the mechanic. "After all, I'm just a poor preacher."
"I know that," came the answer. "I've heard you preach."

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 09, 2001.

A priest once found a dead donkey in front of the church, and called the police to inform them about it. The officer concerned knew the priest and thinking he would have some fun with him, said: "I thought you clergymen bury the dead." "We do, replied the priest, "but we first get it touch with the relatives."

-- Fayancie (fayancie@hotmail.com), April 09, 2001.

F:
I'll have to tell that one to my brother-in-law, a police lieutenant.
J

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 10, 2001.

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop at the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally, so he went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "But, you have no arms!"
"No matter," said the man, "observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Your excellency, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

---------------- {WAIT! WAIT! I'm not through yet}

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked. "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 17, 2001.

Dear JG,
You're on a roll, so I guess your're Danish! That is just hilarious!

-- eugene c. chavez (chavezec@pacbell.net), April 17, 2001.

Heehee heehee! Good one, John!

-- . (fayancie@hotmail.com), April 17, 2001.

[Thanks, folks. I remember how I lost control laughing when I first heard that one (actually two) a few years ago. "His face rings a bell!"]

---------------------------------

There was a religious lady who lived next door to an atheist.
Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a god?"
Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no god?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was going to do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Hmmph.... I'll fix her."
He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do.

When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing, and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and mockingly told her, "You crazy old lady, god didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!"

Well, then she starting running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.
When he finally caught her, he asked what in the world her problem was.
She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was going to make the Devil pay for them!"

-- J. F. Gecik (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 18, 2001.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that:

Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Ed

-- Ed Lauzon (grader@accglobal.net), April 19, 2001.

Ouch! Mamma mia!

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 19, 2001.

Priest: Patrick, you should leave whiskey alone. It's your worst enemy.

Patrick: But, Father, didn't you say only last Sunday that we should love our enemies?

Priest: Yes, but I didn't tell you to swallow them.

-- J. F. Gecik (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 20, 2001.

With his birthday money, little Timothy bought a Bible for Grandma for her birthday, and he wanted to write a suitable inscription on the flyleaf.
He racked his brain until he suddenly remembered that his father had a book with an inscription of which he was very proud. So Timothy decided to copy it.

Imagine Grandma's surprise when she opened her gift -- a beautiful Bible -- and found inscribed the following:
"To Grandma, with compliments of the author."

-- J. F. Gecik (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 23, 2001.

Fr. O'Brien met a man coming out of Mass one Sunday who had not been to church in months.

"It's nice to see you attending Mass again," Father commented. "Did you return because of my sermons?"

The man shook his head. "No, not yours, Father. My wife's."

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 24, 2001.

This door-to-door entrepreneur became rather bored with his job of selling Bibles, so he decided to become a boss, hiring three people to sell Bibles for him. He interviewed three people. The first came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired. Here's your kit; go sell!"

The second came in and said, "I want to sell Bibles for you." "OK, you're hired! Here's your kit; go sell!"

The third came in and said, "I- i - I wa - wa- wa-want t-t-t-t-to s-s- s-s-ell to sell, to sell, to sell, Bi - bi - bi - Bibles, sell Bi - Bibles f-f-f-fo-for y-y-y-y you Bibles for you!"

"No," shouted the man, "this will never work! You can't sell Bibles for me!" The applicant replied, "B-b-b-b-but I r-r-r-eall, but I really, really, n-n-n-n-need th-th-th-this, really need tthis job!"

As there were no other applicants, he man said, "OK, I'll give you one shot at this, but I expect you to PRODUCE!"

At the end of the can, the first applicant comes back and reports, "I sold 8 Bibles today." The second reports: "I sold 11 Bibles today. The third worker reports, "To-to-to-to t-t-today, I-i-I so- so, I so- , I so-, I so- I sold 28 Bi- bi- b- bibles!" "Great," says the man. "However, I want you to sell lots more Bibles than that, so get out there tomorrow and MAKE ME SOME MONEY!"

At the end of the first day, the first worker comes in and reports, "Today, I sold 32 Bibles." The second worker reports, "I sold 44 Bibles today" The third worker reports, "To-to-to t-today, I- i-I so- so, I so-, I sold 79 Bi-bi-bi- sold 79, sold 79 Bibles."

"Fantastic," said the man, "since you're doing so well, so much better than these other two bums, why don't you tell them what your sales technique is." Replied the worker, "I-i-I j-j-j-j-ju-ju-ju-just wa, wa, wa, just wal- wa- wa- walk, just walk up to up to up to just walk up to them and and ask, them and ask, them and ask if th-th-th- th ask if they w-w-w-w-w- wa- ask if they want t-t-t-t-o-o- if they want to b--b-b-b-b if they want to buy a Bi-bi - want to buy a Bi--b-- a - a- abi - buy a to buy a Bi-bi-bible, or d-d-d-d-d do th-th-they do they w-w-w-ant me to *READ* it to 'em?"

-- Fayancie (fayancie@hotmail.com), April 25, 2001.

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.

Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!'

-- F. (fayancie@hotmail.com), April 25, 2001.

Love that B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-ible, love that Bible story!

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 25, 2001.

The pastors of three churches -- Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian -- worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.
After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new members."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new members."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"

-- (jgecik@desc.dla.mil), April 26, 2001.