Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Do you find Condoms smell of burnt rubber? - Or is that just me?

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

Is a virgin someone who's avoided the mistakes you made?

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

I *am* in shape! - Round is a shape !

Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).

I do weight lifting every morning... getting out of bed !

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.

I used to be indecisive, but now i'm not so sure

I'm saving myself until i find the woman i love, - which is pissing off my wife no-end.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

There are two kinds of pedestrians...the quick and the dead.

Apathy rules... But who cares ?

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

This isn't a beer gut, it's a fuel tank for a rampant love machine.

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

I'm not old.. i'm just worn out from overuse.

Failure is not getting knocked down . . . . . Its not getting back up!

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Insanity is hereditary.. you get it from the kids

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.

Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.

Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?

Sex is like Rain... you never know how many inches you're going to get, or how long it's going to last.

It's being mad that keeps me sane.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I don't suffer from insanity, i enjoy every waking moment of it.

If you must let your mind go blank, please turn off the sound.

I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.

Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

How long *IS* a piece of string??

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I'm not afraid of heights... I'm afraid of depths.

If your nose runs, and your feet smell, did god make a design error?

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

Answers

drat, no food, where's the food, HEY CARL, WHERE'S THE FOOD!!!

ok, ok...

The room wasn't big enough to swing a cat, even a small one...

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

I think Sqrlgrl is working on a batch of "special" brownies... be sure to eat just one :)

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

Carl,

No problemo...here's a nice, big platter-full...take as many as you like...the biggest ones are on the bottom...what?....you want peanutbutter and jelly on toast now?....and some fritos and bean dip?...and.....ok, that's enough brownies for you...you've just about cleaned out my fridge...ya, know...you really could get a better idea of what they're saying on tv, if you'd turn up the sound and turn off the music...huh?...you like reading their lips to the music?...oh, boy.....no, I don't have any cereal left, you already ate it!

"Those were the days my friend, I thought they'd never end..."

(but at least I can keep a full fridge now!) SG

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

Carl, quit hogging the Fritos and bean dip!

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

Sorry Brooke, ya snooze, ya lose.... Here, I saved you a beer to go with your brownie...

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

Heck, Carl. . .I've already moved on to "Peeps"® . . .

Don't think they're gonna go very well with beer. . .

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001

Would have sucked with fritos and beandip too, so what's your complaint?

Opening the last bottle of Jar Jar Beck's...

-- Anonymous, March 27, 2001