GOP Will Never Say 'Die' In Pursuit Of Clintons

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http://www.monitor.net/monitor/0103a/exhumeclinton.html
GOP Will Never Say 'Die' In Pursuit Of Clintons
Steve Young in the Albion Monitor, March 12, 2001

March 11, 2075, WASHINGTON -- In a move surprising almost no one, and in a response to the most recent Senate subpoena, grave diggers at Arlington National Cemetery began the unenviable task of exhuming President Bill Clinton's remains.

The Senate hearings looking into a particle of DNA found in the Oval Office humidor, are expected to reach an elevated sense of drama and wit. The dead President is expected to receive a relentless grilling from Republican foes who seemed bent on bringing the former Commander-in-chief to his knees, contingent, of course, on whether or not his knees have yet to decompose entirely.

It is the seventh time this century that the beleaguered former President has been dug up to answer questions concerning alleged wrong-doing, a record surpassing former five-term President Hillary Clinton's six unearthings.

With cryogenics playing an ever-burgeoning part of the Republican Party's effort to humiliate the dead President, an amazing simulation of the late Senator Arlen Spector of Pennsylvania, said that, once again, "impeachment would not be out of the question." If the Congress and Senate are successful in their efforts, this would be Clinton's third such impeachment since his death in 2048.

172 year-old Senator Strom Thurmond, whose sustained efforts to embarrass the former president are only surpassed by his continued refusals to die, said, "President Clinton was and still is..." (The rest of his statement was unintelligible).

The death-impaired Clinton refused comment, except for a statement released from his office which continues to insist that "...the former President is once again the target of Republican enemies who still can't run on the issues."

From this robotic home at Disneyland's famed Hall Of Spinners, Clinton animatromnic pal James Carville said that, "...this is all a lot of Republican hooey. We all know that even dead, Bubba could whup whomever the GOP puts up against him." Carville's comments seem supported by Bill Clinton's unexpected third term in office (2060-2064), to date the only known incidence of a deceased candidate elected to the top post and serving his entire term. "His distinguished performance, considering his being a corpse, was first-rate," Carville drawled.

With recent polls still showing the deceased Chief Executive with a 78 percent approval rating, reporters have asked the former President if he will entertain running for public office again, considering that he remains severely dead. The obviously tired -- but still enthusiastic -- Comeback Kid smiled, "it depends what your definition of dead is."



-- Cherri (jessam5@home.com), March 21, 2001

Answers

LMAO!!

-- Peg (pegmcleod@mediaone.net), March 21, 2001.

Does this also apply to Dems, cuz the bitingest attack dog of them all currently, the New York Assistant Prosecutor, is a Dem, and she's not lettin' go.

-- attack attack (moreinterpretation@ugly.com), March 21, 2001.

And neither is aint.

-- justa (just@anothr.poster), March 21, 2001.

> > > > One day in the future, Bill Clinton has a heart attack and dies He > > immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't > > know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have > > no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what > > > I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as > > bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. > > I'll even let you decide who leaves." > > > > Clinton thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the > > first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. He kept > > diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. > > Such was his fate in hell. "No," Bill said. "I don't think so. I'm not a > > > good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all! day long." > > > > The devil led him to the next room. In it was Newt Gingrich with a > > sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that > > hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with > > my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break > > rocks all day," commented Bill. > > > > The devil opened a third door. In it, Clinton saw Jesse Jackson, > > lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs > > staked in a spread eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica > > Lewinsky, doing what she does best. Clinton took this in in disbelief > > and finally said, "Yea, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said > > "OK, Monica, you're free to go!"

-- Im (jestadumol@pilot.com), March 22, 2001.

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