From the folks at the U.S. military, the people who brought you such terms as "friendly fire" and "collateral damage," comes a new and exciting form of "non-lethal" technology.

On Thursday, March 1 (my birthday), the military unveiled it’s newest toy, an intensely focused high energy beam specially designed to inflict pain without causing actual harm.

More specifically, the weapon consists of a microwave beam that quickly heats up the target’s skin. The pain is reportedly not unlike touching a hot light bulb. Those of you who, as children, spent countless hours on a sidewalk frying ants with a magnifying glass will no doubt appreciate the fearsome consequences of this new weapon.

In short, after 10 years of research and $40 million, the U.S. military discovered what I learned by placing a 10 cent egg in a microwave oven: namely, microwaves cook things.

Such groundbreaking non-lethal technology as this definitely warranted its own distinctive name. Once again, the military came through in fine fashion, naming their new creation "Active Denial Technology." Apparently, Operation Magnifying Glass just didn’t sound threatening enough.

What the military didn’t know is that women have been using Active Denial Technology on me for years. I’ve approached several women with my sole purpose being to strike up a meaningful short term relationship, only to come away Actively Denied. And, much like the new military version, the female version of active denial often leaves my skin burning, although mostly from embarrassment.

Although I’m mostly kidding, I think it would behoove the military to look further into the possibility of creating a weapon that replicates the feeling of being rejected by the opposite sex. Now that would be a truly devastating weapon!!

My idea for a Rejection Cannon would borrow heavily from the current Active Denial Technology. A highly focused neural disrupter would jumble the minds of incoming troops, leaving only the ringing sound of hundreds of gender-neutral denials: "Not if you were the last person on earth!" "Go away, I’m trying to get your friend to notice me." "As if!" "Did it look like I wanted to talk to you?" "Sure, you can buy me a drink, but then you have to go away." American troops could roll triumphantly across the battlefield as the enemy ranks writhe in anguish trying to silence the roar of rejection in their ears.

Operating on much the same technology is my idea for a Shame Ray. Again, This weapon would utilize a tightly focused beam of energy to activate long-dormant memories in the minds of enemy troops. These memories would consist of the target’s most shameful moments. The twist with the Shame Ray would be that the victim would see an image of his or her mother appear in front of them chastising them for their shameful moments. One high ranking officer may be brought down on the battlefield when his mother appears in front of him and shames him for watching an adult video. Or, perhaps a female officer will have to confront her mother after her secret stash of birth control is discovered. Although this weapon would be non-lethal, its effects would be profound indeed.

Finally, my Embarrassment Beam would call upon the target’s most embarrassing moments and replay them over and over and over again. In my case, the Embarrassment Beam would have a treasure trove of memories to exploit. I could recall the time I shot myself in the foot with a B.B. gun and had to undergo four hours of surgery to remove the metal orb. Or, I could perhaps recall the time I detonated a grenade in my backyard and tried to formulate an excuse for the mass destruction of my parents’ deck. It could even go back to my elementary school days to the time I was performing a skit for the school assembly and split my pants wide open. Suffice it to say, if a world military power ever creates an Embarrassment Beam, I would avoid the draft at any cost.

However, if the U.S. military ever develops a Rejection Cannon, a Shame Ray, and an Embarrassment Beam, and focuses them all on Iraq, Saddam Hussein would walk across the Iraqi border and surrender with tears streaming down his face.

That will be $40 million Mr. Bush. I take cash.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2001

Answers

Obviously the product of a man with too much time on his hands.

This is a great advert for mid week games and what we are reduced to when there is no football.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2001

Nwt to do wi me - I just plagiarise - as you can tell by the A's with hats on. All I need now is Gus's coat. G'nite.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2001

If you have the plagerism you will not get back into the country.

Hmmm perhaps there is a DOG after all

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001