Footie and Mouth

The devastating news has now been confirmed that St James Hall Farm, Newcastle has contracted Footie & Mouth Disease (FMD). It appears that this virulent disease has been taking it's toll of the entire herd of livestock at SJHF gradually diminishing the value of the herd which has now reached a new low.

FMD (also known as TMS-itis or reservus scrapimus depending on the various schools of thought about it's origin) is caused by a particularly nasty virus which reduces the effectiveness of the livestock by some 50% or more. It is thought that it may have been contracted at SJF from an infected Haggis carelessly discarded at the farm en route from Blackburn to Glasgow, but there are conflicting views on this. Some say that the problem was introduced by the Shepherd's "dogs". Others point to a previous livestock manager, a Mr Keegan, who did not pay sufficient attention to the younger livestock, preferring to buy in pedigree breeds from other farms. If Mr Keegan had introduced younger, home-grown animals, it is argued that the present herd would have developed a greater resistance to the virus.

Some 5 years ago this farm owned some of the finest pedigree animals in the land, before FMD began to gradually reduce it's yield. In increasingly desparate measures the policy of buying expensive pedigree beasts was continued - a policy doomed to impoverish the farm as all the new animals became infected quickly. Some prime South American imports are now fit only for the knacker's yard. One beast, brought in from Eastern Europe by Mr Gullit was probably infected already when it came and was already in a worse state than the existing herd. This was also true of many of the animals brought in by Mr Dalglish, indeed, one or two of Mr Dalglish's acquisitions were apparently well past their prime and were obtained from lorries already in a rush from the barnes to the slaughterhouse. In an innovative move by the management, a number of Frogs were purchased. It was thought that these might be immune, but not only did they all fall victim to the virus but all of them also failed to settle at the farm and had to be sold on. Great things were expected of a magnificent Scottish beast, a huge animal, acquired by Mr Gullit. The product was superb but the yield fell to near zero very quickly and the animal was sold back to it's original owners for half the cost. Another animal was brought in from Georgia - it showed strong resistance to the virus for some time but as luck would have it, was already suffering from BSE or "mad cow" disease and could often be seen running aimlessly around the pasture or attempting to kick over the farm fences.

The Ministry of Agriculture Fisheries and Food (MAFF) has now stepped in. It has ordered a complete cull of the entire herd including any remaining healthy animals. It was impossible to find any evidence of a single healthy animal after consulting many of the 50000 farmworkers on Saturday. "Thi shudd aaall be shot" was the majority, nay, unanimous view, amongst these long suffering folk.

As well as the cull of the entire herd, it has been ordered that the livestock manager (Mr Robson), the 3 previous livestock managers, messrs, Gullit, Dalglish and Keegan, the owner of the farm (Mr Hall) and the Shepherd should all be culled "just to be on the safe side" says MAFF. The farmworkers have not very reluctantly agreed to this but insist that all the Frogs who were sold should be brought back and slaughtered as well as the existing stock. "I don't think it will help curtail the disease but the b@st@rds deserve it anyway" said one of the disgruntled workers yesterday. There is one beast which may escape the cull. This animal, for which a world record amount was paid, has fallen victim to this and several other illnesses since it's arrival. It is a much loved beast however and is to be allowed to freely graze on The Town Moor for the rest of it's natural life. Some argue that this should not be allowed to happen as the beast came from the probable source of the original infection.

This is a painful and terrible time. The beasts will be slaughtered (there were a number of enthusiastic volunteers for this including a Herr Hachmeier who had recommended this policy at least 4 years ago) and piled high in the centre circle at SJHF. A number of farmworkers are also to be included in the cull. Those who arrive late for work, those who leave early either at breaktime or the end of the shift, those who refuse to sing at work will all be culled (the centre circle isn't big enough - Ed). The carcasses will then be burned in a desparate attempt to finally eradicate this disease from St James Hall Farm.

There are those who complain that the neighbouring Monkseaton Farm of Light is in an even worse state and question why a cull has not happened there. However, MAFF argues that this area is riddled with pestilence across a much larger region and any cull would result in massive pollution, arguably worse than the original problem. They point to their efforts at The Riverside Farm slightly further away where an attempt to chemically eradicate the problem has actually made it even worse.

A fighting fund has been set up to assist the grieving friends of SJHF and your donations are welcomed. I myself have already contributed 5 gallons of petrol. Please give generously.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2001

Answers

Brilliant Jonno - welcome back, we've missed your wit & wisdom recently.

So sorry you must have found it "grim up North" yesterday. It's all so depressing.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2001

There is a strong growing opinion that that the virus responsible for this hideous disease has lain dormant in the soil of St James Hall Farm for many years. Indeed, it is thought that it was picked up on a trip to Hungary in the late 1960s, when local tennant farmer, a Mr Harvey (known as Joe-Joe Joe) was in charge of the beasts while working for the evil one-eyed Lord Woodwest. It is felt that on that trip to Eastern Europe, the disease was picked up from a large drinking cup, causing the initial cases of complacency to set in. Early signs that things were not as they could have been were when some of the locally raised pedigree chums were allowed to leave for such places as White Herd Lane Farm and Ann's Field.

One school of thought (rumoured to have been located on Plessey Road) suggested that the whole lot should be relocated to a new Farm at Castle Leazes, leaving the deadly virus to remain in the soil at St James Hall Farm. Even a name change from the original St James Park Farm didn't appear to make any improvement and indeed may have contributed to the confusion. However, local reactionaries in green wellies (to avoid the increasing piles of Doug-Shit) put paid to this plan and new farm buildings were erected on the old infected site.

As indicated by our earlier correspondent (clearly worried about the impact it may have on his Bigfoot), the disease is so virulent that none of the existing stock seems to be immune to the virus. Opinion is divided, and the locals down at The Greenspun Arms are awaiting the return of Doctor Bill to bring some sense to the discussions. They will probably have to wait a long time. Even Al-k-traz with his High Level contacts (that's where he meets them, not an indication of their importance) seems at a loss, especially on the shares he bought when the disease seemed to be under control and long forgotten. Indeed, so worrying is the latest outbreak that those in Scotland (Beth and MacBuff) are worried about the news stories that Dolly the Sheep who may have to be sacrificed, due to having a huge dose of the clap. As a Sting in the tail, some have even taken to fleeing to the far side of the world to escape it's impact.

So what can be done? Current measures seem to include tightening the belt, but that only seems to cause a redenning of many of the local workers' faces. The basis behind this approach seems founded on the fact that the most successful farmer has the reddest face of all and maybe we should try to match his Manure.

Rumours are rife (funny, I thought they were made up stories told by taxi drivers) that a cure may be close, neccessitating a huge injection of cash. The current tennant farmer Young Robbie Bobson is believed to have told the owners, One man and his Doug, exactly where they can stick this injection. A slightly hard-of hearing M. Wenger was reportedly looking very nervous.

We await futher developments to YRB's worrying Saga holiday.

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2001

Welcome back, Jonno! Wonderful piece. Though you failed to mention an important side benefit to the burning of carcasses in the centre circle.....a big pile of fertilizer which put the pitch into the best condition SJHF has ever known! :-)

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2001

A lot of people have been asking me recently "what exactly is this footie mouth then doc"? And it's worth saying that I haven't a clue. In fact, I'm sorry I haven't a clue. Er, Mornington Crescent. Whoops, got a bit carried away there. Anyway, as you'll realise, I'm not allowed to admit that there are things I don't know - it's part of the hypocritic oath. So I went to talk to my colleague, Mr A Vet-Writes. He's a bit busy these days, but I managed to follow the Landrover tracks and wellie footprints through the choking smoke that surrounds the SJH Farm these days.

He explained some interesting things about this footie mouth business. Of course, there are some big differences between his job and mine. For a start, his little flock can't explain what's wrong with them. He says that some of them almost sound as if they are trying to tell him, poor mites, but really it's just their calls: "fackinell", "whyabuggaman", and the plaintive repetitive cry of "Que?, Que?".

Anyway, as you know, humans don't really get footie mouth, so I asked him why his flock were so susceptible. He blames three things. "First," he says, "they get far too much of the good things in life these days. It's supposed to increase their yield, but the subsidies are just too high now. Second, they're full of toxins - poor diet, too much drink, and some of them even inhale things they shouldn't. Third, these beasts are hardly ever exercised properly. It's no wonder they get broken-winded, overweight and prone to injury". The result of all this, he says, is that footie mouth can quickly beconme rampant through the entire flock.

So what would he do about it? "In the short term," says my colleague, "I'd cull. Test them all rigorously - any that can't run, jump, shoot, pass or take penalties like they should, line them up and shoot them. On second thoughts, don't bother with the testing, just shoot the lot of them".

"In the longer term," he goes on, "we badly need new blood in the flock. A bedrock of prime British stock for strength and staying power, plus a good mix of selected - and I do mean selected - imports to reduce inbreeding and add a touch of class. Then, if we work them properly and keep them toxin-free we would have the nucleus of a good sound flock". And if any of them show signs of susceptibility to footie mouth? "Shoot them," he says, returning to his favourite theme, "I don't care if it's your prize bull, or everybody's favourite old workhorse, there's no place for sentimentality or footie mouth will run through the lot of them like faecal material through a member of the genus anseriformes - sorry, I mean like cr@p through a goose".

So what's the outlook? "Grim, I'm afraid," he says, "given that we need drastic action for this farm even to stay in the top flight let alone return to the top end of the market". And will the farmer and the owners be up to the task? He shrugs enigmatically. I would like to ask him more, but the sight of him rolling his sleeve up to the shoulder and reaching for the soapy water has me wincing as I leave hastily through the gathering gloom enveloping the farm.

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2001

Hee!! Excellent, Dr. Bill. Nice to see some good humour come from all the misery around here. :-)

-- Anonymous, March 19, 2001

I managed to follow the Landrover tracks and wellie footprints through the choking smoke that surrounds the SJH Farm these days

What the hell are you doing walking in a contaminated area? If you're a doctor you ought to know better.

GET ARRF MOI LAAND!!

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2001

Damn! So that's what the soapy water was for. Well, there's no alternative now. I know where the loaded shotgun is....

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2001

Well don't give it to any of the inhabitants of SJH Farm to shoot you Dr, they're bound to miss.

-- Anonymous, March 20, 2001

This case has dragged on for some days now and overworked MAFF officials have been unable to carry out the cull at SJHF. To expedite the situation the (Toon) army has now been called in and the cull should be carried out shortly.

There were harrying scenes this morning at the farm as Softie and Jonno prepared to defend their beloved animal, the Golden Bartinho but their affection seems misguided given that the beast seems to have contracted the clap as well as FMD. Anyway I think that's what they said. It would seem best to put the animal out of it's misery.

A similar view was held by Major "The Terminator" Macbeth, first to arrive from the Toon Army HQ BBS regiment, although Macbeth seemed more concerned with putting himself out of his own misery by destroying the aforementioned beast. I must say, I'm not a military man, but I should have thought that the Major was somewhat over- prepared for this mission, armed to the teeth as he was with a bazooka, flame-thrower and an assortment of machine guns. "We don't want any mistakes do we" snapped Macbeth curtly when questioned.

At another entrance to the farm, General Clarky was poised to lead a separate detachment of the BBS regiment into the farm buildings themselves in order to deal with the farm managers, also scheduled for the cull. Our reporters tried to elicit a comment from General Clarky but the only audible word which emerged amid a torrent of abuse and invective was "Tossers". I must say, that Clarky looked very determined and as eager to get on with the job as Major Macbeth. This was in sharp contrast to the mood of these two men yesterday when there was a serious disagreement as Clarky affectionately led the prize £15m bull to safety on the Town Moor where it has been granted it's freedom. This was quite a struggle as Clarky had to carry the poor beast most of the way. Macbeth was all for shooting this animal as well and the two officers almost came to blows on the issue.

Some late news just in is that some of the managers were rumoured to be at a livestock market in London yesterday despite the embargo on any movement in or out of the farm (all movement within the farm ceased some time ago). This can only lead to the probability of yet more infected animals appearing at the farm and one has to wonder if this problem can ever be brought under control.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Wonderful Jonno, ROTFLMAO! So good to have you back.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Priceless. ;-)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Thanks guys. I was rolling about writing it so I'm glad it has the same effect. After I've put together one of these I'm nervously checking the board every 2 minutes looking for signs of appreciation or someone extending the story so your comments are most welcome! :-)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Just brilliant Jonno - keep 'em coming.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Fabulous stuff!

MAFF staff were able to offer a few small crumbs of comfort to all at SJF. Apparently the livestock there has all been cleared for export as soon as the current crisis is cleared. When sceptical onlookers enquired as to how they were going to get around fears about BSE, the MAFF officials delightedly pointed out that there is no spinal tissue in any of the livestock at SJF, so infection is simply not possible.

Fresh rumours have swept through the Toon Army at the site that early reports from General Clarky are that conditions within the barn are to be seen to be believed. Apparently they have been rolling around like pigs in sh*t.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

ROTFL. Keep it going Jonno and Softie. :-)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001