**Subject: Call To The FBI Texan Style**

"Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at Billy Bob and leave.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday Buddy!!!"

-- (blah@blah.blah), March 15, 2001

Answers

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs.

He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know...I would have gotten out today."

-- (wah@wah.wah), March 15, 2001.

A 'guy' walks up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he can sit down.

The other 'patron' says, "Sure."

First guy says, "So where are you from?"

Patron says, "Ireland."

First guy says, "No shit, so am I", "Let's have a drink to good old Ireland!"

Patron says, "Okay, ... to good old Ireland."

First guy says, "Where in Ireland?"

Patron says, "Dublin."

First guy says, "That's incredible, so am I!"

Patron says, "A toast - to Dublin!!!"

They both take another sip of whiskey.

First guy says, "So what school did ya go to?"

Patron says, "St. Mary of the Hills."

First guy says, "Naw!?! I can't believe this, I went to St. Mary of the Hills."

"What year did you graduate?"

Patron says, "1962."

First guy says, "Me Too!!!"

Another customer walks in and says to the bartender, "Hi, anything happening?"

The bartender says, "Nothin much.......the O'Malley twins are drunk again.

-- cin (cin@cin.cin), March 15, 2001.

LOL

A teenager was going out on a date and came down from her room dressed in a see through top, without a bra. Her grandmother was horrified and said, "You can't go out like that, at least put a bra on!"

The teen responded, "Oh, it's fine, Grandma. We modern women like to show our rosebuds." And off she went.

A couple of days later, the teen came into the front room and found her grandmother sitting there with no top on at all. She had friends coming over and was quite upset.

"Grandma, you have to put a top on! My friends will be here any minute!"

"Oh, dear, it's okay. Us modern grannies like to show our hanging baskets."

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), March 15, 2001.

His and Her ATM

HIS

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Insert card

2a. car still in gear

3. Enter PIN number and account

4. Take cash, card and receipt

4a. pull ahead as shovin' all in shirt pocket

HER

1. Pull up to ATM

2. Check makeup in rearview mirror

3. Shut off engine

4. Put keys in purse

5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine

6. Hunt for card in purse

7. Insert card

8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it

9. Enter PIN number

10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.

11. Hit "cancel"

12. Re-enter correct PIN number

13. Check balance

14. Look for envelope

15. Look in purse for pen

16. Make out deposit slip

17. Endorse checks

18. Make deposit

19. Study instructions

20. Make cash withdrawal

21. Get in car

22. Check makeup

23. Look for keys

24. Start car

25. Check makeup

26. Start pulling away

27. STOP

28. Back up to machine

29. Get out of car

30. Take card and receipt

31. Get back in car

32. Put card in wallet

33. Put receipt in checkbook

34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook

35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook

36. Check makeup

37. Put car in gear, reverse

38. Put car in drive

39. Drive away from machine

40. Travel 3 miles

41. Release parking brake

-- Peg (pegmcleod@mediaone.net), March 15, 2001.

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Hey! Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The BARTENDER is blond, the BOUNCER is blonde and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb., blond with a black belt in karate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2," weighs 225 and he's a rugby player," he continues, "The fella to your right is 6'5" and pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of us is blond. Think about it, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), March 15, 2001.

Hey!

heehee =oD

-- cin (cin@cin.cin), March 15, 2001.

Survivor 2

A major network is planning the show "Survivor 2" this winter. In response, Texas is planning "Survivor, Texas Style." The contestants will start in Dallas, travel through Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will proceed up to Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland/Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there, they proceed to Abilene, and on to Ft. Worth and back to Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads, "I'm gay, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to confiscate your guns."

The first one to make it back to Dallas wins.

-- (hardy h@r.har), March 16, 2001.

Have you heard about the next planned "Survivor" show?

6 men will be dropped on an island with 1 van and 4 kids each, for 6 weeks.

Each kid plays two sports and either takes music or dance classes.

There is no access to fast food.

Each man must take care of his 4 kids, keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, etc.

The men only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done:

There is only one TV between them and there is no remote.

The men must shave their legs and wear makeup daily, which they must apply themselves either while driving or while making four lunches.

They must attend weekly PTA meetings; clean up after their sick children at 3:00 a. m; make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.

The kids vote them off based on performance.

The winner gets to go back to his job.

-- (cin@cin.cin), March 16, 2001.