Notes for Guidance to Foreign Players

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To be issued in the joining instructions to all new players.

As you enjoy your no doubt brief stay at NUFC, there are a few quaint customs from the local press and fans that you need to be aware of.

If you are Alan Shearer and get injured, you will be informed that it is all the fault of the medical team who should be sacked, burnt at the stake, shot and poked in the eye with sharp sticks.

Do not be fooled into thinking that this is standard treatment for players. You should be aware that as a dirty foreigner your reason for sustaining an injury is that you are a (please tick racial stereotype that applies) [garlic-eating, paella-munching, bottom-pinching, pigeon-fancying, pampas-burning, coke-snorting, bog-leaping, sheep-shagging, bomb-making, sausage-eating, Skoda-building, key-jangling] bastard and who won the war anyway? To refute these claims, the Club will immediately convene a press conference in your defence where the Chairman will state categorically that we are the biggest club in Europe with the best lop-sided ground in the World.

I am sure that this will help make your time with us a happy one and will encourage you to return this loyalty and support in equal measure.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

Answers

Of course, I do realise that the drafting of a pack of joining instructions is currently high on the priority list alongside: finding a permanent training ground and building a youth academy. The list is being kept in the "Tell them 'Next Summer'" file.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

ROTFL! Excellent, Softie.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

Softie, On no account mention the WAR , otherwise as usual back to form , excellent piece

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

Howay Softie! You always as louder than thunder when commenting on foreign things, remember the Polestar's case? I think you should call all your troops to the beach and making an inside investigation on any foreign players who could be set for Toon.

Anyway, I agree with you that we should not signed any more foreign players which is very doubtful in loyalty meanings for the Toon. We have had enough of Hamman, Goma and Domi. They are very cheap!!!

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001


Softie,

Welcome back marra - top post.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001



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