This is inspired by SweetJane's tangent in the "What can't you cook?" thread. She said she can't seem to be a fashion plate when it comes to belts. So what can't you wear?

For me it's jackets. I'm really paranoid about jackets -- the difference between jackets and blazers, what to wear with them, when to take them off, etc. Also, I almost never wear white because it seems to be too much trouble. Also, I can't wear scarves. I simply don't know how.

Okay, now y'all talk.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Answers

Vests. Because I am just completely against them.

and belts. because i'm zoftig (a gentler word for chubby) and shortwaisted and less than tall.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

First of all, shout-out to Gwen and Paul for the compliments. That really means alot to me.

I can't function in pantyhose. I'm the tights-fuckin'-master, but put me in a pair of hose and I got the crotch around my kness, the ass facing forward, and 30 inches of toe stuffed into my shoes. There's really no fundamental difference between the two, really, so WTF?

Also, got to agree with the white issue. There's all these rules that go along wearing white like, no white after labor day and wear a flesh-colored bra and don't eat ketchup. I have enough trouble getting dressed with consulting "Emily Post's How To Get Dressed in the Morning" or whatever.

Also, I've never figured out what to wear with navy blue - black or brown shoes? Is there a guideline for this somewhere? Or should my cheap ass go and buy a pair of navy shoes?

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Summery clothes. The whole genre. Shorts. Tank tops. Sleeveless anything. Miniskirts. Light fabrics. Bathing suits. Open-toed shoes/sandals. Cute lil' t-shirts. There just ain' no way that I'm showing that much of myself to the world.

I'm paranoid about clothes in general... I'll try on 20 pairs of plain black trousers or plain white shirts before I find one I can live with. I wear black and white. And denim. Little color. I can't wear shoes unless they're plain and closed. I won't wear any top that doesn't cover my fat ass. I won't wear many blends of materials and/or styles, because I look too matronly. I won't wear patterns, or more than two different colors at the same time (unless it's my gnarly old flannel shirt). I haven't worn dresses in about 5 years, because, while I LOVE dresses, they're currently all sheath style, which looks like shite on me... or those matron-flower-tents in the plus size department.

I can't wear anything trendy. Even if I could squeeze my bad mama- jama self into a baby tee and bell bottomed hip huggers (heck, EVERYTHING I wear is "hip hugger"!), I remember when it was grody the first time around....

And I, too, have never been able to wear scarves. Wintertime bundle- up scarves, okay, yes. But pretty, light, tie/fling/drape/knot scarves to compliment an outfit? No way, Jose.

SweetJane, currently the "in" thing to wear with navy is camel shoes/belts/bags. I read Glamour last month looking for articles with logical fallacies in them, and, well....

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I couldn't wear a scarf without feeling like a complete asshole until I was 24. Ridiculous as this sounds, I always felt intimidated by women who tied intricate knots in 'em (they must also be good with balloon sculptures). My friend and I always joked that we wanted to create a night school class called People Who Are Intimidated by Things That They Don't Feel Classy Enough For. Topics would include: how to tie a scarf eight thousand ways; who wears brooches and when; nude pantyhose: should it be burned; and how to keep a white shirt's armpits white and not the color of three week old snow at a dog park.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I almost strangle myself trying to get scarves on. Also, I too hate the hip-hugger/bell bottomed trend, which is not meant for anyone with a mama body and/or short legs. Hopefully it'll end soon. I see that chain belts are in again though, and I like those 'cause they don't have to be tight and you can trick people into thinking that you still have a waste.

Mauve is big for the spring season, according to all the catalogues that I've tossed into the recycling bin. I think you need a special type of skin colouring/complection to wear this colour well, so I won't be bothering with it (I am pale, so I'd look like a ghost - or an Easter egg).

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Every time I go to the mall and see chubby teenaged girls cramming themselves into tight-at-the-thigh, billowy-at-the calf jeans, I thank God that those things were not in style when I was a chubby seventh grader...because I know I would have worn them despite the fact that they don't look good on almost everyone, and they would have looked like total crap on me.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Pants.

Seriously. I'm 5 feet tall, 5'2 on a good day, and I have really short legs. There are no pants in the world that fit me correctly. I've tried them all. Petites are too long.

And I'm too short and immature for misses clothes, but too big for juniors. I live in cargo pants, jeans, and wide legged leisure pants that I can pull up to my underwires to that they hang at the right length. No one was happier than Robyn when the cutting-off-the-bottoms-of-your-jeans trend was in session. But I'm not the greatest cutter either, so you can imagine the issues.

Thank the gods for Target and Walmart. At least I don't feel bad about chopping up their clothes because they are so cheap. I may look like hell, but I didn't spend much to do it!

(ya'll don't want to get me started on shirt lengths.)

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I look great in hats, but who wears them? I just don't have the guts...

I can't wear dresses. They just aren't proportioned right, too long- waisted, too long in length....if they fit in one area they don't fit in another. So that leaves separates, skirts & tops. And here's how I feel about that (Bubba's gonna love this one!):

Dresses & skirts are stupid. They were invented my men who like to see women wearing clothing that would provide them easy access...one quick slide up the thigh and you're there, no buttons...no zippers. They like sundresses even more because seldom would one wear nylons with a sundress, hence fewer barriers. Once I happened upon this theory, I started viewing dresses as a way for men to keep women down and I refuse to go there. I know that sounds crazy. Maybe it's just a way for me to justify my wardrobe, since I think I look like a dork in dresses and skirts.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Can't wear and won't wear. Hmm. Where should I start?

Can't wear belts. Can't wear panty hose 'cause they don't make the color of my skin tone and since my mother forced me to wear them from age 13-18, I hate 'em. Can't find skin tone bras in my skin tone either. Gwen traumatized me once (although I didn't tell her) by telling me that I needed to wear skin colored bras with certain color blouses. But I got over it, when I realized that potential customers being dark brown is not something lingerie designers think of.

Would love to wear scarves. I actually wore two last month, but I don't know any clever way to tie them either.

Won't wear pants that show my skinny (I think skinny when compared to my hips and ass) legs. Won't wear dresses, 'cause I don't feel comfortable in them. I wear nice ones for dressy weddings or new years sometimes, but I have usually mentally prepared myself for the heels and makeup and up-do too.

Colors. I don't know what colors don't look good on me!! For god's sake, there's so much stuff a woman has to learn and if you are an immigrant. Forget about learning it at home. I just know I don't like orange or yellow too much. But I don't know if I can or can't wear 'em.

And the good thing is that I finally got over my "fat" issue. Fuck it. If I feel good, I must look good dammit. And if you look around (Houston perhaps) you'll see other fat women looking gorgeous and not giving a fuck either. Or at least pulling it off really well. LM

Sorry about the pants, Robyn. I'm not short, but I was poor and sometimes all my resale store purchases had to be altered. Fortunately, my mom knows how to sew and actually several women in my community do too now, so I don't cut and hem, but I sure have had it done for me.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Anything fashionable. Anything. I can't bring myself to buy trendy clothes that will be out of style and dated in a year. I try, I really do, but bail out at the last minute and ditch the items at the cash register.

I'm a pretty basic, navy-skirt/white blouse/navy pumps kinda girl.

One thing that irks me is that I have a heck of a time buying shoes. I really, really hate the shoe styles of say, the last 10 years. Big ugly thick heels or worse, platforms. Jesus, shit that sucked in the seventies still sucks 30 years later, and we've had 30 years to learn our lesson.

I want plain heels. Three inch skinny heels, ruin-your-feet, attractive shoes, dammit! No sequins, no clear plastic, no frickin' cork or mirrors, just shoes I can wear to work without feeling like a circus freak.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Oh my gawd, Dwanollah, TANK TOPS. ugh. I would have named them even before vests had I allowed them into my consciousness ... BUT I DO NOT. I appreciate your comment about everything being hip hugger. Me, too. But you know what I love, with abandon, in opposition to everything seemly and comely and appropriate? (sorry, i've been reading 19th century novels again) anyway, it is this: capri pants in that stretchy, forgiving material that is heavy enough to command your bulges into one big, feminine, undulating ripple (as opposed to, say, Lycra (tm) which just adds shimmer while it highlights the cottage cheese parading over your stomach and thighs). You know, I've always been kind of drawn to the "matronly" style, and now at long last, it becomes me. (on so so many levels.)

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I wear hats, Laura. Then again, I also wear wigs, some of which are not in any natural haircolor known to man. When I get a recent roll of film developed, there will be a picture of me in not only a hat but a wig as well. Wear what you want. People either respect it or they don't, but hey, my head looks warm and when I go out dancing, my hair looks great instead of dishelvelled and stuff. ;)

There's other stuff, but I'm slammed at work and y'all don't care anyway. ;)

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

White!!!!! Who the hell besides some Victorian virgin spinster created white clothes? They obviously didn't ever eat while wearing them. White clothes should have been named white food magnets as far as I'm concerned. Dirt takes tickets waiting for me to come by so it can stick to my clothes any time I try and wear white. And wife beaters. Sheesh. Yeah looks great on middle aged men. You see it in East LA all the time. And it doesn't look any better on them. Shiney(Florsheim)shoes. Gosh! How the hell those pimps keep them so shiney God only knows. Ties! What idiot ever had the idea to equip a man with a noose. And then you have to buy jewelry to keep them out of the soup. Yeah. Real smart guy. And bell bottoms on anyone. How stupid. I didn't like them in the Navy or the 70's and I don't like them now. Baseball hats worn backward. I look stupid enough without advertizing it to the world. If they were meant to be worn backwards they would have come with instructions to that effect. Jewelry piercing me anywhere. Yeah right. Those really baggy pants. They look really stupid on kids. What would make them look any better on a middle aged man. Suits. God what moron ever thought them up? Let's work really hard for our money and then go spend a bundle on something I wear once or twice a year. Dress up? That's what God made jeans and a sweater for. And I look like shit in one of those gangster sock hats. james

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I'm a short, stocky German type. I think you have to have a long waist to wear capri pants. I only have 2 inches from my waist to my boobs so I think capris look really bad on me and accentuate my currently too large thighs and butt. I bought a book on how to tie scarfs about 6 years ago. I've never opened it.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I don't know, Vicki, I'm a short, stocky, Irish Cuban type, and I think capri pants are all you say ... and more. It's a look, baby!!

james, re: white. fine, fine, fine. But as an aging surfer boy, do you not appreciate the seemingly eternal charms of Don Johnson? the man glorifies white! and, if we maintain a downward and rear glance, his looks have never been better!

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I look like shit in everything.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

It's all make up and wardrobe assistants. Ever notice how after chasing the baddies for hours in the Florida heat and humidity, he looks as fresh as a spring cloud? Hell, I get dirty just sitting in a cafe with a cerveza. But girl can I wear a pair of Levis. And Hawaiian shirts look fabulous on me sweetee. James

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Just so you all have a mental image, I wear capri pants as regular pants. No pants are capri on me!

About a year ago, I got several pair for next to nothing because evidently some of the stores planned to stop selling them. They don't hang perfectly because they are cut a little differently, but it's close enough.

I know I should just give in and have alterations done, but I'm too cheap. And it's just easier to pretend that the reason I look so sloppy is because they don't sell pants the right length than admit that I have the fashion sense of a 14 year old gangsta boy.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

You know in fashion or women's magazines where they have "FASHION DON'Ts" with a big bar over the face to hide the (new word!) fashionally retarded losers? THAT is me. By the time I finally....reluctantly buy into some trend, it is two years past. And, I have the WORST luck keeping things nice... for example, sprang for a REALLY nice pair of lined, wool-blend pants, had them tailored, figured they were classic, would last for ever and be worth it. Day 1, some a-hole left a tray hanging out on the copier and a rough edged snagged the hell out of the pants, beyond repair. The nice "interview" blazer? Wad of gum from the bus. The soft cashmere cardigan? Rubbed up against some rust (yes, rust) and it will not come out. I give up... cheap, Land's End oxford shirts, khaki's and that is about it. I long to dres like Katherine Hepburn --- understated, tailored, classy, elegant, sharp lines... sigh. It'll never happen. Oh, and sleeveless? NEVER.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

pastels kill me. plaids slay me. orange makes me look like a carrot. whites are hot. blacks are even hotter. browns are sweet and mellow.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

Robyn, you are cracking me up.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

I hear you Robyn. I'm 5' and can't wear petites because the waist is under my boobs and the arms are too short and they still drag the floor. I hate to hem pants and dresses so sometimes tuck and fold the hems of jeans and pants. I can't wear hats. Belts cut me in half and look dorky. I can't buy sets because my top and bottom don't match - tops are too small and bottoms too big. I have bought regular length dresses when playing dress up because they reach my ankles.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

James says: "Baseball hats worn backward. I look stupid enough without advertizing it to the world. If they were meant to be worn backwards they would have come with instructions to that effect... Those really baggy pants. They look really stupid on kids. What would make them look any better on a middle aged man."

I have a weakness for baseball hats worn backward and really baggy pants on boys.

What I can't wear: white (inevitable spaghetti sauce/pen leak accident), boot-cut jeans (stubby legs -- they flare at a very bad spot on me), tapered- ankle jeans (make ass look like a balloon), cute club-looking stuff, grown-up classic stuff. I wind up in some grown-up classic pieces paired with really battered khakis or men's jeans, which makes me feel like I'm exuding an air of "well, I could look nice if I wanted to (see grown-up classic shirt), but I just don't fucking care (see fraying pants)." I am living a lie. (I do care, I just can't pull it off.)

Oh, platform shoes. I am 5'1''. Platform sandals are my god. (Heels? With pointy bits? Kill me. Those, I won't wear.)

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

I wear white a lot, white and black. Luckily, I don't spill too much. But I'm with Gwen, I hate to wear jackets. Like blazers? I see them on others and they look good but I'm always really uncomfortable. I have broad shoulders, that may be why. Anything else I want to wear, I wear.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

Hmmm, Joanne, I have broad shoulders, too, and I *love* jackets. I wear them a lot. Just not double-breasted ones, they tend to make me look like tank-woman.

What I really can't wear are those sweater sets. They look horrible on me. And capri pants make me look dumpy.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

I cannot wear anything besides nice jeans and turtlenecks and t- shirts. I look so STOOPID in suits and dresses. I look a lot younger than I am as a result, and I get sick of looking like a freakin' college student.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

Hey, I also have the square shoulder probelm. It stinks always looking like a football player.

-- Anonymous, March 15, 2001

I'm thick waisted, so usually for work wear princess-seamed (more forgiving) sheath with dusters over them, but would live in my relaxed-fit jeans with a turtleneck and blazer. FOREVER. I could NEVER wear anything revealing my middle--too chubby. I also look like crap in sweater sets--wish there was something flattering for thick- waisted women!

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

Milla - ahhh, the wigs! hee! I look good in only about 5 things, but in this last year I've started wearing anything I want, I just don't care! I don't know what's happened to me...high shoes? don't care. Uniboob ensembles? don't care. Haven't done the tank top thing yet, but it hasn't been warm yet. Maybe I'm just going insane... OT- Milla, I'm going to see Amy Sedaris in a play next month. I think I'm taking her a wig to add to her collection!

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

pants, short skits, long skirts, shorts...Shorts just look retarted on me cuz they start riding up between my legs and i get this annoying "V" thing going. I'm 5'11 so ALL pants are too short, long skirts aren't long enough and short ones make me look like a hooker. when i wear short skirts they get shorter then they should, and i get asked if i'm an iceskater (not with my ass). so i wear dresses...i like strappy summer frou-frou dresses, but ohio in march isn't good weather for those. I actually know what shoes to wear with navy blue, and how to tie a scarf a billion (and one) ways...but i can't make my legs shorter 8Þ

-- Anonymous, March 17, 2001

Please no offense, but for me it is undies. I hate them.

Bra is a have to but undies, just cant function.

And all females have their famous menustral panties :-)

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

And all females have their famous menustral panties :-)

I must be living in a cave, because I have no idea what you are talking about.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Damn, well that didn't work. Okay, I'm trying one more time and if it doesn't work, I'll have to leave it to more able hands. Fixed?

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

paul: my bad, I apologize. I did not realize that would keep the tag and mess things up. Again, I am sorry. I will try new way to sign off.

As for menustral panties, yes you must be living in a cave, every female I know has them, with the exception of you. I bet you are a strictly victoria secret kind of gal?

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

BTW, I dont think it was me who messed up, nicole was the last to post in italics.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Yes, you're right, new one. Sorry.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Well, I didn't post in italics to begin with, so I don't know what the deal was.

So you still didn't explain what those panties are and why you can't wear them.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

I can't believe I'm responding to this. heh. I think she meant a pair of panties she uses when she is on her period. You know, a pair that she doesn't mind ruining if it happens. At least that’s what my sisters did.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

I've never heard of them either and I'm probably older than you.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Travis: Right on. I did not mean to offend you Nicole. I must be old because everyone I know still has period panties. As for wearing panties on a regular basis, I hate them. I hate panty lines for one.

When I must wear them, I do so for 'that time' of the month.

Or, IF I am in kinky mood, I wear Victoria Secret or Fredricks.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Oh, okay. I thought you were talking about some special secret g- string that takes skills to wear (like some underwear I have seen in certain catalogs) and I was thinking "why can't she wear these panties? Do they have snaps that bother her or something?"

Now, if you said Laundry Day Panties, I would know what you're talking about...

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001