I love to cook. I'm generally pretty okay at it. But try as I might, I can't make gravy. I don't care how many times I watch Gramma do it. I don't care how many cookbooks I look at. It just doesn't happen for me.

Take tonight. I fry up a couple pieces of chicken. I make light, creamy mashed potatoes. I decide "What the heck?" and pull out the flour, milk and whisk. I warm milk. I blend flour. I strain fat. I scrape up cracklings. And I pour the flour-milk thickener into the pan of drippings and whisk heartily and-

Presto! Within five seconds, I have a gluey, burned mess of gloppy flour-milk.

What can you absolutely not master in the kitchen?

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2001

Answers

Anything French. Anything. I want to make one souffle before I die -- just as a medium for Gran Marnier, of course. But anytime I get near a French cookbook I have visions of Dan Ackroyd as Julia Child flailing around his bleeding stump of an arm, and I just don't try.

Dwanollah, have you tried making a roux (sp?) first? Okay, fine; it's the one french thing i can make. Though it's not much of a meal ... anyway. Melt your butter in the saute pan -- throw in a tablespoonful of flour -- stir like crazy -- gradually add more flour --it will become playdough like in look -- then slowly, slowly, still stirring like crazy, add your liquid. Pan dripping, whatever. It works for me.

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2001

Dwanollah - We are related!!! Gravy is a no go for me too... unless you count some weird, solid glop you could actually SLICE. And I, too, have tried everything... making a roux, dissolving the flour in the milk/water/broth... slow and steady, even heat, etc., etc. Just cannot seem to do it. And, weirdly enough, I can cook pretty much anything else... just made a involved, multi-stepped almond pastry thing that turned out great. Hmmmmmmm - perhaps we should take a Gravy 101 class at the Learning Annex in Van Nuys? : )

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2001

I've never successfully made homemade stuffing, which is pretty sad. And I've never even attempted gravy - cause I'm lazy I guess.

-- Anonymous, March 11, 2001

I make gravy by opening a package or can. Also, I *cannot* make pastry, no matter how often or how hard I try - it always ends up a dry, floury mess that doesn't come close to even covering a pie plate.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Oh, I can't make pastry either! It's the same as with the gravy... I can follow all the directions, I can use every helpful hint under the sun, but all I'll end up with is a bunch of floury crumbs.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Um...I can't make pancakes. I mean, I can make them but I can't make them without either burning the shit out of them or leaving them raw in the center. My mother made the best pancakes, it's the shame of my life! Well. Not really, usually I just throw them out and go to the diner. They know how to make them there.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I can't make anything with seafood with it, because the smell makes me sick and I end up running out of the kitchen and going outside to get fresh air.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I don't like pie pastry so I don't really care that I can't master it. However, it is easier to make cream cheese-based pie crusts than the traditional kind. You can also roll it out to make turnovers. It's very simple.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I always found it's easier to thicken gravy by using cornstarch instead of flour.

Ditto on the seafood thing. I generally do not like to cook, but I like to bake and only because I want the cookie dough or batter, not the finished product.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I can't make anything. Microwave dinners are my friend.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Granulated gravy flour, that's the trick. It's really *hard* to make lumpy gravy with that stuff. It comes in a can that looks like a sugar shaker.

I cannot make biscuits that don't come out of a can or the freezer. Don't know why, I can cook things a lot more complicated than biscuits, but my biscuits'll take your fillings out, every time. Good thing we all like the Dough Boy.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I ALWAYS burn the peanut butter cookies. Always. Swear to God, I hung around the kitchen the last time, and ran to answer the phone and I smelled them burning as I picked up the receiver. It's maddening.

About the gravy; I cheat, but it works well. Do you have a Braun hand- mixer? Pour your drippings in a microwavable cup you can fit the mixer in (if you have the cup the mixer came with, that's gold) anyway, pour in the drippings, a little flour and some hot water, zap it with the hand-mixer 'til it's smooth and then microwave it for about a minute to thicken it up. Works like a charm. I decided to try it this way a few years ago and have never gone back to the traditional method (which I couldn't master, either.)

Pastry secrets; use ice water and refrigerate the dough for about half and hour, then roll it between two sheets of wax paper. Not like I'm some sort of kitchen goddess, Lord no, but we make a LOT of pies in the country. I have apples, rhubarb, cherries and raspberries in my yard. Come on over! ;-)

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Isn't this why God made restaurants? James

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Deb, you sexy Kitchen Goddess, you.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Deb's right on the pie pastry secrets. I have made perfect apple pies using those tips (ice water, refrigeration and wax paper).

What's pathetic is I tried to make my first grilled cheese sandwich a couple of years ago and completely blew it. I had no idea what I was doing (I know, I know, how hard can it be). I swear, over a period of a week I was determined to make grilled cheese sandwiches and every single time I was setting off the smoke alarm. Now I've got the hang of them, but it's downright embarassing I couldn't get it right the first time.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Guys, these are the only things I can make (if you don't count opening a can and punching microwave buttons):

1. Fetuccini alfredo. This fills me with hope that I am not going to be a total tard in the kitchen for the rest of my life, because I learned how to do this by working in an Italian restuarant and watching the cook. I do it all by eyeballing the ingredients. It is to DIE for.
2. Shrimp tagliatelli. It's basically my fetuccini with a lighter noodle, more cream in the sauce, and sauteed tiger prawns. I kick ASS with this dish.
3. Toast. (Note the sudden drop-off in skill level required.) But damn, can I make a FINE piece of buttered or non-buttered toast. 4. *thinking hard* I can make my very own blended herbal tea. This involves a trip to a health food store that sells loose herbs and the like, but is actually much less effort than toast, which is great for me. I can set the ingredients in a huge pot, boil the fire out of them, and come back and add more water. Voila. Damn good herbal tea.

I can also make a decent from scratch cake. In fact, speaking of The Girl Scouts, I won a stupid bake-off with a chocolate layer cake with walnut topping. I hate walnuts but it rocked. I hated group activites and I didn't enjoy going to Girl Scout meetings (move over, I'm just here for the punch and the cookies, bitch!) but when they asked us to do one of their little character-building deals, I would do it. I had a fair number of badges, once upon a time.

What else? Oh yeah. I am a MASTAH when it comes to lemon-tinged sugar cookies. I have a recipe from the fifties that involves lemon zest and two entire days out of your life (the dough must be made the day before so you grate and pound and mix and curse and flour and egg and BLAH and then you spend the next day cutting twee little shapes out of the damn dough, decorating them with silly little doodads and dragees and coloured sugars and then watching the cookies like a hawk so they don't burn), but the results are so fuckin' good. I make them once a year and that's all I'm ever going to be motivated to do, believe me. It's a chore from hell.

Hmmm. I've also made Quiche Lorraine before, but I no longer have my Auntie's special recipe. Damn. But I would NOT make the stupid pie shell myself. Oh no. No way. You people who do hve my utmost respect, believe me.

Anyawy...that's it. I haven't tried a casserole and I've given myself food poisoning by JUST REHEATING LEFTOVERS not once but three times. In the past, I successfully made a blackberry cobbler and an apple pie, but I was supervised by my Grandmother, and you know that she worked the culinary magic required, not me. I just stood back and watched the real kitchen zen happen.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

So I'm sitting in class daydreamin' tonight and for some reason this thread pops into my mind. But, instead of food that I can't cook, I'm thinking about clothes that I've never figured out how to wear, ie. belts.

I have never successfully bought a belt that looks decent on me - either I get one that's too small for the loops on the pants, or it's too small on my waist (THAT looks classy, let me tell you), or its too big and has that Farmer John, I'm-just-holdin'-up-my-pants looks (which I guess is the ultimate purpose of a belt).

I always the cool Gap and Limited kids with their belts on and I think "why can't I do that?" but then I realized that I've TOTALLY pulled off the slightly chubby, slutty look. And then I feel better.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I've never heard of gravy flour. Do you find that where you find regular flour?

I also can't cook Chinese. My husband makes great Chinese food, but I hate when he makes it because it takes him forever with all the chopping and all.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

SweetJane--I, too, am belt-phobic. i always pull them off and then lose them. I have an entire drawer full of belts (most of them crap) that I plan to give to charity when I move (well, those that I don't throw away for being butt-ugly, that is...no self-respecting poor person deserves to be given an ugly belt).

I don't like gravy as a rule (though Chinese almond chicken isn't the same without gravy to pour over it or dip it into), so I haven't ever attempted to make any. Now I am positive that I'd just set my kitchen on fire and then die because I'd have wallpaper-pasted or papier-mache'd myself to the counter with my attempt at gravy.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

God made restaurants? I always thought it was Justin Wilson or Paul Prudhomme. Shelly, flour gravy is made like this: After you fry the pok' chops and you've got all that liquid grease left behind in the pan, you just sprinkle in a little flour and stir like mad. Some people even add a little milk to stretch it. Or water, if you're from out of town.

I can cook breakfast and I can do the meat outside. I can make coffee that's REAL coffee...the best you've ever had with my secret method. Anything else I cook, the dogs won't eat and the cats try to bury.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Oops! I read that wrong...not flour gravy, gravy flour. Hmm. I give up.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I can't make gravy, either. That's why I use Pioneer cream gravy mix. It's fucking delicious, too. My pie crust is good, though.

SweetJane, I'm going to start that clothing topic for you right now.

Oh, and I can't make fried chicken. I finally learned to do chicken fried steak, though.

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

Hey, do you remember Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman? it was a late night soap opera satire in the ... uh, '70's. So I'm old, sue me. Anyway, they used to eat chicken fried steak all the time. Growing up in NJ, I thought it was something they'd made up for television. Is it good? is it easy to make? can you do it with tofu? (kidding.)

-- Anonymous, March 12, 2001

I remember hearing the Mary Hartman opening theme chant before I fell asleep each night, but that's it.

Chicken-fried steak is cheap cuts of beef, tenderized and batter- fried. You eat it with tons of cream gravy and mashed potatoes or some other starchy side dish. It's the state dish of Texas. I think it's good. I won't tell y'all my secret for making it, though. Sorry.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

My mom used to be a gourmet cook back in her mother country (the Philippines) and so whenever she cooks something it, like, always tastes divine.

And so I've been trying to emulate her cooking style for a few years now, and the only thing I cannot make under any circumstances is her lumpia.

Lumpia, btw, is a mini eggroll. It's stuffed with meat, no veggies. The prepartion takes a few days but the results are fabulous if you do it right. And I never can. :(

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

You can find gravy flour near the regular flour, but in my grocery stores (Publix, Winn-Dixie), it's between regular flour and the baking soda and stuff. I think Pillsbury's version is called Shake 'n Pour.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

Thanks Mary Ellen. I'll have to look for it.

-- Anonymous, March 13, 2001

I cannot broil a steak. I've only had a single success with my gas brioler...it was with chicken.

-- Anonymous, March 14, 2001

I can make soups up in my mind, i can make anything right the first time, but i cannot for the life of me get a properly cooked hard boiled egg...WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME...3 minute timers even hate me...one day i forgot they were on the stove and when i walked out in the kitchen all the water was gone and the eggs had black spots on the bottom...they are either runny yolked or burnt...it's so sad lol PLEASE dont't tell me to stop posting for my stupidity heehee

-- Anonymous, March 18, 2001

Meatloaf. I say the word and it clears out the home in no time flat.

I've tried everything to no avail. *sigh*

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Ann, the trick to broiling a steak is to heat up the broiler for a really, really long time with the pan in it.

I have an ancient Royal Rose gas stove and I have to pre-heat for an hour, at least.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Also, Ann, make sure the pan is as close to the flame as you can get it.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

Sara, what if you have an electric stove? I need help with my meatloaf too.

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001

I don't have a clue about electric, sorry. :( I'm not much of a natural cook, but there are a few things I do really well. And one of them is meat!

-- Anonymous, March 21, 2001