SAR01
Roamer
posts: 538
(12/13/00 9:23:14 pm)

Dear Santa....Chuckle

Dear Santa,

I rarely ask for much. This year is no exception. I don't need diamond earrings, handy slicer-dicers or comfy slippers. I only want one little thing, and I want it deeply. I want to slap Martha Stewart. I get all cozy inside just thinking about it.

Don't grant this wish just for me, do it for thousands of women across the >country. Through sheer vicarious satisfaction, you'll be giving a gift to us all. Those of us leading average, garden variety lives aren't concerned with gracious living. We feel pretty good about ourselves if our paper plates match when we stack them on the counter, buffet style for dinner.

We're tired of Martha showing us how to make centerpieces from holly hock dipped in 18 carat gold. We're plumb out of liquid gold. Unless it's of the furniture polish variety.

We can't whip up Martha's creamy holiday sauce, spiced with turmeric. Most of us can't even say turmeric, let alone figure out what to do with it.

Martha avoids take-out pizza (she's only ordered it once), she refuses to eat it cold (No cold pizza? Is Martha Stewart Living?). When it was pointed out that she could microwave it, she replied, "I don't have a microwave."

Martha has 40 sets of dishes adorning an entire wall in her home. Forty sets. Can you spell "overkill"? And neatly put away, no less. If my dishes make it to the dishwasher, that qualifies as "put away" in my house!

Martha tells us she's already making homemade holiday gifts for "friends." Last year, I made amazing silk lined scarves for everyone," she boasts. Not just scarves, mind you. Amazing scarves. Martha's obviously not shy about giving herself a little pat on the back.

She goes on to tell us that "homemaking is glamour for the 90s", and says her most glamorous friends are "interested in stain removal, how to iron a monogram, and how to fold a towel." I have one piece of advice, Martha:"Get new friends."

There you have it, Santa. If there was ever someone who deserved a good smack, it's Martha Stewart.

Ho Ho Ho

-- Anonymous, March 09, 2001