Seeking wife

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Unk's Wild Wild West : One Thread

I know this is not a singles forum but I see much humanity here and I ask for your help. I want to find a wife.

Here is what I seek.

age - 25 to 32

race - unimportant

physical health - under 150lbs, capable of vigorous physical labor (tending livestock, perform home-schooling, cooking and home management)

moral health - Fundamentalist Christian virgin, obediant

here is what I offer

home - Wyoming ranch (horses, beef cattle, buffalo)

my character - while in prison, I was born again. I no longer smoke, drink, use drugs or fornicate.

covenant - I promise love with discipline, 10 children, 3-squares and 4 trips a year to Cheyenne.

-- Slim (available@request.maybe), March 08, 2001

Answers

Oh wow. What woman could resist a born-again ex-con who promises "love with discipline"?

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), March 08, 2001.

It looks as if we have a new village idiot. Manny is going to be pissed when he gets back.

-- Manny's little brother (No@dip.com), March 08, 2001.

Hey meester you want my seester?

-- Manny's little brother (No@dip.com), March 08, 2001.

You're a lunatic. Are you Chicken Little?

Go here and join the lunatics that would welcome you.

-- (xians@re all.bizarre), March 08, 2001.


I no longer smoke, drink, use drugs or fornicate. covenant - I promise love with discipline, 10 children...

Maybe I'm confused here - what does "fornicate" mean? Anyway, the 4 trips a year to Cheyenne are obviously the seeling point here.

-- Bemused (and_amazed@you.people), March 08, 2001.



seeling==selling.

-- Bemused (and_amazed@my.typos), March 08, 2001.

“age - 25 to 32”

“Fundamentalist Christian virgin”

Some sage advice from an old man: ‘You might want to drop down a few years in the age group’.

-- So (cr@t.es), March 08, 2001.


Bemused, fornicashun = secksual intracoarse outside a marridge. Its funn!

-- (billybob@truck.stop), March 08, 2001.

Hi slim,

I'm interested. I fit all your qualifications. I think marriage should be forever so before I give you my address, I need to know a few things...

I wash my hands several times a day. Will that be a problem?

Today I weigh 105 lbs and I'm 5'2. I eat only beef, and sometimes it makes me constipated. There are many days I have to spend hours on the toilet. Knowing that, will you still love me?

I tend to have lesbian tendencies. Is that OK? You said you didn't fornicate so I have to enjoy myself somehow.

I have a few cousins that might need to live with us. Is that alright? My favorite, Bubba, eats his buggers, but that will cut down on our grocery bill.

I have a few other skeletons in my closet and quirks but I don't want to ruin your vision of me before we meet. The good thing is, I can promise you I'll be obediant!

Talk to me here and maybe we can work something out!

-- (Beautiful@lotus.flower), March 08, 2001.


Slim,

It sounds good. I have much to offer. We should talk, I am not far.

Uhh, about that virgin thing------I had this bicycle accident when I was 11.

-- (Lorelei@Laramie.lovelorn), March 08, 2001.



You have to go Lorelei. I want him.

Slim, I AM a virgin! If you want to see why, just look here

(Lorelei, if it doesn't work out between me and him, maybe we can get together?)

-- (Beautiful@lotus.flower), March 08, 2001.


Oh darn I missed it by two years. I've been robbed =)

-- (cin@cin.cin), March 08, 2001.

Cin,

You are only twenty-three???????

I would have never guessed, you seem so mature.

-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), March 08, 2001.


Slim,

Not that you asked for my advice or anything, but.... you may want to consider getting out and meeting more women. Real, honest-to-god, in-the-flesh women.

What you have described here is your fantasy of a woman. You imagine her doing vigorous work, bearing your children, being obedient, and agreeing with you. That is a very satisfying dream. But she exists only in your head - and she will not, for that reason, prove to be a very satisfactory wife.

I can almost guarantee you that this wonderful imaginary woman will prove to be an obstacle to your meeting a real woman you want to marry - and an even bigger obstacle to making your marriage work. I say dump her now, quick as you can. Get out and say hello to some women with enough reality to say hello back. Then feel your way forward from there.

Just my $0.02 worth.

-- Miserable SOB (misery@misery.com), March 08, 2001.


So speaks the voice of experience.

-- Get married to a real Woman (miserylovescomp@ny.com), March 08, 2001.


Convert to the Mormon Church. Send them the requsite amount of cash, and some guy will let you have one of his six daughters. If you give even more money, he might even throw in his unmarried lesbian sister, the one who teaches school in Salt Lake.

-- (whata@friggin.loser), March 08, 2001.

Yeah write to D J Olson. He will help you. He has lots of women around who fit your description. You better be able to prove that you have a room full of guns, hatred of the US Gov, and full backup power. Better yet go make your request on sleeezzyboard. they will welcome you with open arms over there. Ask for Lynne46 or Jesse.

-- (another@good.idea), March 08, 2001.

Hey Slim,

You may want to leave out the prison conversion story until the fifth or sixth date. And the "love with discipline" thing is going to narrow down your options quite a bit as well. Oh, and the 10 kids thing, that will further whittle down the respondants, maybe best to replace that line with something like "I love children".

Good luck!

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), March 08, 2001.


*****Serious Reply to Slim*****

Go to the Christian section of Matchmakers:

http://www.accessmatchmaker.com/

Matchmakers

Good Luck!

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), March 08, 2001.


"Hey meester you want my seester?

-- Manny's little brother (No@dip.com), March 08, 2001." ---------------------------

ROTFLMAO! You and Manny are the funniest people on this board!

-- toooo mucccch! (toooomuch@tooomucchhh.lof), March 08, 2001.


(Beautiful@lotus.flower) bug out, he's MINE!!!!

Okay Slim here's my qualifications:

I'm 26, weight 135, and I'm 5'6".

I have black kinky hair, a big butt (best for child bearing), and big lips for me to kiss and love you with. Since you didn't describe yourself, I can only assume that you are tall and handsome. Race is no problem with me either, and it won't be a problem with our children in Wyoming - I am sure there is no racism in Wyoming. Your ranch sounds like a perfect place to raise children, and of course, they will be trained as Olympic runners and javelin throwers.

I can run fast, and I can throw a javelin and hit my target (buffalo, cow, elk), with uncanny accuracy. BTW, don't worry about having to buy shoes for me, I go barefooted.

You will be my master, I will be your servant and together we will become one entwined with love and respect for each other. Yes master, I will be totally obedient, this is what Jesus expects of me.

There is one thing that disturbs me--what were you in prison for?

-- big butt bertha (bigbuttbertha@bigbutt.huge), March 08, 2001.


i am a cristan woman age 25, you did'nt saywhere we go to church is there a church nearby the ranch i like to go to church i was born again while in prison. for cutting off my noo good husbands' thingie he was givin it to my mother, she is awhore i was to but i dont do that nomore. i had eight kids bet welfare took em, dirty bastards. i spent $ layers took it all but no kids. i can have more the Lord good to me that way. PRAISE THE LORD! you can write to me then we be meetin if it pleases i live in Montgomery where it warm i like horses and the LORD. PRAISE THE LORD! you can vizit me on Mondays. i get release soon. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-- (selma@cellblock.p), March 08, 2001.

SHEESH UNCLE BOOB!! I KNEW YOU WERE DESPERATE, BUT EVEN YOU COULD PROBABLY DO BETTER THAN TRYING TO PICK UP A CHICK FROM THIS FORUM!! WHY DON'T YOU MARRY ONE OF YOUR COWS, ALL YOUR REDNECK FRIENDS ARE DOING IT!!

-- (UNCLE BOOB @ BORN AGAIN REDNECK. FUNDAMENTALIST), March 09, 2001.

Uncle Bob, I'd say you have a huge fan...although a bit obsessed. LOL

-- (cin@cin.cin), March 09, 2001.

Why do you want a woman?

Hell, we can adopt, but there is no one on this planet who give better head than me. No one who could be more obediant than me. I could only hope that you would beat me and kick me and I would bend over morning, noon, and night for you.

I think you are limiting your options by looking only for a women.

-- EltonJohn (trip@thelight.fantastic), March 09, 2001.


spill it , dude! why were you in prison?

-- ed (edrrider007@aol.com), March 10, 2001.

Moderation questions? read the FAQ