Microsoft Tests Nuclear Device At Secret Olympia Facility

REDMOND (BNN) -- World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in Washington state. The device, exploded at 10:55 AM PDT (1:55 pm EDT) Wednesday, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the U.S. Department of Justice over possible antitrust action.

"Microsoft is going to defend its right to market its products by any and all necessary means," said Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. "Not that I'm anti-government" he continued, "but there would be few tears shed in the computer industry if Washington were engulfed in a bath of nuclear fire."

Scientists pegged the explosion at around 100 kilotons. "I nearly dropped my latte when I saw the seismometer," explained University of Washington geophysicist Dr. Whoops Blammover. "At first I thought it was Mt. Rainier, and I was thinking, darn, there goes the mountain bike vacation."

In Washington, President Bush announced the U.S. Government would boycott all Microsoft products indefinitely. Minutes later, the President reversed his decision. "We've tried sanctions since lunchtime, and they don't work," said the President. Instead, the administration will initiate a policy of "constructive engagement" with Microsoft.

Microsoft's Chief Technology Officer Nathan Myrhvold said the test justified Microsoft's recent acquisition of the Hanford Nuclear Reservation from the U.S. Government. Not only did Microsoft acquire "kilograms of weapons grade plutonium" in the deal, said Myrhvold, "but we've finally found a place to dump those millions of unsold copies of Microsoft Bob."

Myrhvold warned users not to replace Microsoft NT products with rival operating systems. "I can neither confirm nor deny the existence of a Radioisotope Thermoelectric Generator inside of every Pentium III microprocessor," said Myrhvold, "but anyone who installs an OS written by a bunch of long-hairs on the Internet is going to get what they deserve."

The existence of an RTG in each Pentium III microprocessor would explain why the microprocessors, made by the Intel Corporation, run so hot. The Intel chips "put out more heat than they draw in electrical power" said Prof. E. E. Thymes of MIT. "This should finally dispel those stories about cold fusion."

Rumors suggest a second weapons development project is underway in California, headed by Microsoft rival Sun Microsystems. "They're doing all of the development work in Java," said one source close to the project. The development of a delivery system is said to be holding up progress. "Write once, bomb anywhere is still a dream at the moment."

Meanwhile, in Cupertino, California, Apple interim-CEO Steve Jobs was rumored to be in discussion with Oracle CEO Larry Ellison about deploying Apple's Newton technology against Microsoft. "Newton was the biggest bomb the Valley has developed in years," said one hardware engineer. "I'd hate to be around when they drop that product a second time."

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Link: http://www.lockergnome.com/updates/index.html#2604659

-- Chicken Little (cluck@cluck.com), March 02, 2001

Answers

Jobs & Gates got to watch Ellison drop his own 21% bomb today.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), March 03, 2001.

Since Bill Gates is not a politician and went into his hearing under the assumprion that he would be speaking to normal, logical intelligent human beings, he was not prepared for the convaluted, biased, preconcieved fact twisting, garbled acuasational, (political) screachings he encountered. When addressed with questions which were worded as political statements with little or no logic or common sense, he became trapped into being guilty of "something" no matter what he answered. Considering most of the questions didn't make any sense, he didn't have a clue how to answer them.

Ever watch parts of his "interrigation"? They didn't know enought about what they were talking about to be capable of forming a logical question, and some times asked questions about things that didn't even exist, while screaming at him to answer!

I can't blame him for setting off that earthquake in an effort to let them know who really is in charge.

-- Cherri (jessam5@home.com), March 03, 2001.

Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Windows 2000

-- Dr. Strangelove (strangelove@bombsaway.com), March 03, 2001.

The nuclear explosion occurred at 10:55 a.m. PST, not PDT.

Let's stick to the facts.

-- Elwood P. Dowd (harvey@bigwhiterabbit.com), March 03, 2001.

Sheesh Cherri. Another irrational biased rant.

What about the obviously doctored videotapes they entered into evidence *under oath* -- eh?

"Duh, we lied under oath. And you caught us. But we have money. Duh......"

-- Chciken Little (cluck@cluck.com), March 07, 2001.