Oh no! Killer Bees!

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Actually oh yes. Apis mellifera scutellata, the so called Killer Bee, arrived in California in 1994 and have since lived up to their name. They've become such a problem in some areas local media no longer reports bee attacks for fear of causing a panic. (Calling them ‘killer bees' has become a media no-no. They've now become ‘AHB's for Africanized Honey Bee, which makes everything okay :-)

Unfortunately, killer bees LOVE junkyards and most bee attacks occur between March and May, exactly when RDF Media is taping this year's episodes of JYW. Two swarms of the aggressive little beasts have set up housekeeping, complete with medieval straw skeps, near where JYW is being filmed in San Fernando Valley. Everyone has been evacuated for a distance of 150 yards from the hives and any day now, someone will do something about them. In the meantime, the taping for the 2001 season grinds to a halt, which causes Mz Rogers to utter a deleteable expletive and ask in a querulous tone, "Can't the bodgers sort it out?"

Good question. Did she have a particular method in mind? "Not really. Blow them up? SUCK them up? Insecticidal soap?"

NOTE: Let me remind the reader that due to spending a lot of time in school Mz Rogers tends to use polysyllabic words that are totally incomprehensible to the average bodger. Insecticidal soap for example does not mean a soap that contains insecticide but any soap having the ability to do in the average insect. And when it comes to beez, literally any soap will do, since the soap removes the protective coating on the chitin that makes up the beez body and allows water to enter their spiracles. (Don't know what a spiracle is? No problem. Ask Mz Rogers.) The bottom line is that a sudsy bath will snuff the little buggers.

ANOTHER NOTE: As a point of interest, since the 1950's killer bees have been drenched with tons of the most potent poisons known to man and are now resistant to virtually every common insecticide, unless you're willing to apply it in quantities that would do more harm to people than to bugs. Which we aren't.


As luck would have it the two hives of killer bees are sitting on boxes of EXPLOSIVES (you've got to work with me here). In order to totally destroy the bees and get on with the taping our Challengers need only HIT THE BOX with sufficient force and the thing will vanish in a splodge of FLOUR ignited by a whiff of propane. (What? Oh, it's an environmental thing. And flour does just as well as dynamite, at least for the visual effect. We can dub in the blast later.)

The challenge is how to hit that two foot square box from a distance of 150 yards, since longbows have been specifically forbidden. And just to make it interesting, each team will get only three shots.

A potato gun would do. (Yes it would. It IS possible to rifle the bore.) Or a crossbow. Or...


Vacuum cleaner, industrial grade. I'll leave the details up to you but it must be a MOBILE vacuum cleaner, able to dash up to the hive quick like a bunny. And roar away just as fast should something go wrong. (With killer bees your best defense is a rapid retreat.)


Vacuum cleaner, industrial grade... but BACKWARDS. What you need is a FOAM GUN. Each team is given a pint of liquid dishwashing soap, five gallons of water and ten hours to come up with a high speed, all terrain mobile foam gun, capable of dashing up to a swarm of killer bees and soaking them in foam.


Get stung? Get away from that area NOW! The stinger releases an alarm pheromone that attracts other bees to the victim.

And get rid of the stinger too. Pull it out as quickly as it's safe to do so. DON'T scrape it out, pluck it out. Scraping is liable to fracture the brittle stingers and leave them embedded in your skin. Plucking out the stinger does not inject more venom into the wound, as so many believe. The venom sack is isolated by a valve that is actuated by the pumping action of the stinger. The quicker you remove the stinger, the less venom you'll receive. (Don't take my word for it, ask Cathy. She read it in ‘The Lancet.')

‘What were you doing reading ‘The Lancet'?' ‘It's got a wizard crossword puzzle,' she answered. ‘Better than the Times.'

Oh. Right.

-- Robert S. Hoover (veeduber@pacbell.net), March 02, 2001


Not actually one of them, but, I imagine there are about a buzz- illion folks out there that would like to see George dress up like a queen bee and distract the little peckers. While proper bodging is filmed in the junkyard.


-- JustJay-Captain-Three Rusty Juveniles (justjay@neo.rr.com), March 02, 2001.

Hey Robert...From now on all you have to do is put your name as the title...

We will then know that we are going to be entertained in some fashion...

I can't believe I missed this one. My father kept bees for years!

Keep up the good work!

-- Dan Denney (rustrenegades@hotmail.com), March 02, 2001.

Hmmm? This looks like another job for the ol "Pyrotecnic Pumpkin" launcher.

-- Waddy Thompson (cthomp3851@aol.com), March 02, 2001.

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