So. You know... Discuss. Positions? Solutions to my problems? Some cure-all that I haven't heard of? What's not to like? Do *you* have problems?

And... what's up with the wet spot? Gah.

-- Atara (atara@raex.com), March 01, 2001

Answers

The first thing I thought of when you described the pain you felt during sex is a condition called vaginismus, which is essentially a painful, involuntary tightening of the vaginal muscles which either prevents vaginal penetration, or makes penetration painful.

Check out http://www.womentc.com/vaginismus.htm, which has several articles and other information about the disorder.

As to being non-orgasmic, my serious condolences, really.

There are many reasons I've heard of for this problem, three of which being: 1. You're not getting the right kind of stimulation. 2. You're not truly comfortable with what you're doing - usually due to feeling guilty, or feeling unattractive. 3. Your body doesn't know how, and there's no way to force an orgasm at least once so it gets the idea. As a partner to this one, when you've repeatedly tried to stimulate to orgasm, but have only gotten to a certain point and then stopped, your brain gets trained. Even if you decide you want to complete the process, it's gotten programmed to stop there. (I had this problem when I was only using one of those take-down shower heads. It was just too much and I had to stop, every time. Drove me nuts too.)

One thing you might try involves taking an evening to experiment by yourself, doing only things you know won't hurt. Part of the problem may be that during sex with Dave, there's a continual 'when is it going to start hurting?' running in the back of your mind, so you're constantly tensing, and can't relax and enjoy.

Make sure it's warm enough in the house to be without clothing; lock all the doors and do whatever else will make you feel safe; have plenty of lube on hand, and several different implements. For example, a large back massager, a small battery-operated non-insertable vibrator, and fingers.

(I'll tell you, insertable dildoes [dildos?] do nothing for me. My favorite are the little buzzing eggs like this http://db.phenet.com/catalog/adameve/product.html?cat=vibrators&sort=a lpha&index=123 or this http://www.babeland.com/catalog/pop_ups/vibes_pops/silverbullet.html .)

Mirrors aren't necessarily important, since the visual can be distracting. What's important is what *feels* right, so close your eyes if necessary. Bathe thoroughly, so you won't have to deal with the distraction of not being perfectly clean. Put a couple of towels under you, and lube liberally. Slather it on until it feels like too much. Use your fingers to start finding sensitive spots. However, once you start getting turned on and everything starts swelling, be more careful. Your clit will usually withdraw under its little hood to protect itself. The hood is sensitive enough on its own, pressure and rubbing onlu on it will generally be enough. The clit itself can get irritated very quickly if it's stimulated directly.

You may not want to use anything insertable, even fingers, during this experimentation if you have vaginismus. It will just trigger pain, which you'll continue to associate with sex. Many women don't use insertables when they're doing themselves anyway - I don't. Once your fingers have found the sweet spots (they move around, don't get discouraged) try the small vibrator on a low frequency. Just move it around whereever feels the best, trying different angles and different pressures. If the vibe you have has different speeds, stay on a slow one for awhile, until you start wanting a little more. Starting off at top speed may overload your nerves and make you stop. If you do stop, don't give up for the evening. Wait a bit - read or watch material that turns you on, and try again a little later.

I know it's been repeated umpteen times, but try to relax, and don't try to force it. Use whatever tricks you can to calm yourself down, make yourself feel safe, and take your mind off of your appearance. Once you can bring yourself to orgasm, you'll start to understand where and how you like to be touched, and what doesn't work for you.

Hopefully, this has helped, at least a little.

-- taerin (taerin@geocities.com), March 02, 2001.

Sex... sex... sex...

Hmmm.

I don't think I can really help ya out with advice since other folks know way way way more about this than I do, so I'm sitting this one out. (FWIW, though, I think it's a Good Thing that you're talking about it.)

-- Xydexx Squeakypony (xydexx@my-deja.com), March 04, 2001.

I don't think you have vaginismus. I had the same problems you're having when I lost my virginity, right down to my boyfriend overcompensating. Once you're having sex regularly, it all works itself out. It'll be better when you're living in the same country. Also, relax and enjoy the process. Forget about orgasms. They'll sneak up on you eventually. Trust me.

-- Ginger (sleestar@yahoo.com), March 04, 2001.

I just wanted to let everyone who's posted so far that you've been really encouraging. It's one thing to know that something's wrong; it's quote another to go ask someone about it. Hell, if I asked anyone here about it I'd get whisked off the to doctor. o.O

Anyway, thanks. =)

-- Atara (atara1@yahoo.com), March 04, 2001.

I just wanted to add some props for Dave. It speaks really well of your relationship with him that you both can talk about this stuff without freaking out. That alone will take you far.

-- Ginger (sleestar@yahoo.com), March 04, 2001.