Guy advice:

Four kinds of women to avoid

By Dann Halem

While Rhona Raskin sneaks off to Las Vegas for a brief vacation, a gentleman writer offers his insights into the male psyche. What do men look for in a woman? An appreciation for microbreweries? NBA floor seats? A nice body? Perhaps. As men, we don’t always take the high road when deciding whom to date. Still, once we get over our initial excitement of how amazing you look in a skirt or how you know the Knicks starting five, we’re just as interested in your inner qualities, believe it or not.

What’s the quickest way to send a relationship hurtling toward destruction junction? Certain female personality types are quick to earn a red flag. Here are just a few that many men will not so subtly try to avoid:

1. Encyclopedia Brown

Remember Encyclopedia Brown from that old series of children’s books? The kid with no friends and all the right answers? Truth is, we didn’t like him then and don’t want to be dating his sister now. This has nothing to do with intelligence, education or professional accomplishment. Any guy worth his salt is attracted to smart and successful women. Instead, this is a tribute to the woman who believes a relationship with her is equivalent to a trip to Tibet. We know she sees a better path for us. We know she knows what we should be wearing, how we should be spending our time and can offer a notarized list of with whom.

Still, men aren’t mysteries requiring “solving” in a quick eight pages. As most women know, it’s better to embrace us in all our male eccentricities, give us time to realize we want you, and then bring in the dynamite.

2. The Peace Corps volunteer

Dating to Peacecorpus Exploitatus is the opportunity to see new lands, sample strange and exotic foods, receive gifts and take in shows. It might seem like Camelot from the start, but eventually fairy tales end. As guys, we can’t always spell chivalrous, but many of us know what it is. A woman who prefers us to pay for the first date is simply being traditional. The first half dozen? Opportunistic. “Is this a relationship or welfare?” is soon what we’re disgustingly saying — pointedly — to all of our best-looking friends. There is no quicker way to antagonize a man than to make him feel poor and unappreciated. The woman who never picks up the bill easily accomplishes both. At first, we wonder how we’ll ever keep up. Soon we wonder if we even want to. Visions of our beloved lounging while we work three jobs enter the picture. We eventually say that we’re off to the bank but never actually return. Months go by. We rebuild our portfolios. We’re able to afford a room with a roof. One day, she spots us at an automatic teller. Quietly, we gather our strength, and then we start to run.

3. The wedding singer

Old? New? Borrowed? Blue? They’re all in a basket by the front door. She caught a bridal bouquet last summer and has turned it into a dried flower arrangement. She subscribes to bridal magazines but only for the articles. There’s a jewelry store she just has to see. Three dates and she wonders if we would mind “hanging” with all of her best friends’ fiancés and husbands. Are we a regular or athletic cut? Don’t we want to meet her parents? How many children would we like to have? Are we Catholic, Presbyterian or Jewish? There’s a beautiful house with a "For Sale" sign and she wonders if we could just walk through. We’re informed our song is by Celine Dion. She wonders aloud what she will getting for our one-month anniversary.

One word. Five times. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Or at least … please … slow down. This type of woman is more in love with getting married than she ever could be with us. Some words of wisdom: Love isn’t about scaring the life out of the person you want to spend your life with.

4. Shoe-be-do-be-do

No words sound more like nails screeching down the chalkboards of our minds than the three syllables “shoe closet.” We know this is ridiculous — as ludicrous as your not watching football. Still, the imagery of a tabernacle of shoes runs very high on the male disgust index. The female equivalent? Men who say ballerinas and strippers are both “performance artists.” Are we being overly sensitive? Are we just plain picky?

Here’s how we see it. The woman spending thousands on shoes today will be hoarding who knows what tomorrow. She’ll fill our home with porcelain figurines. There will be no room in the medicine cabinet. She’ll pack a case with wheels for camping. For those who are mathematically inclined, think of it like this: shoe closet = high maintenance. If shoe girl would like to ride something other than a clothes-horse into the sunset, she needs to show a sensible side, a good heart and a little less sole.

Runners-up Women with stuffed animals on their beds. It reminds us that you’re somebody’s daughter and/or makes us feel old and icky. “Hyper-talkers” and “under-talkers.” The first one bares her soul at “hello” and turns the date into an evening of analysis; the second one refuses to tell us anything until we’re convinced that she’s hiding a record… “Pager players” (too busy) “Makeup mavens” (too insecure) "Cussing companions” (too angry) “Astrology addicts” (too unpredictable) We want you Have a kind and generous heart. Take pride in your appearance. Have something interesting to say. Don’t merely present yourself as a catch. Be that intelligent, compassionate, beautiful person whether he’s looking at you or not. You might not always get him because of it, but the world will be a better place for it.

http://underwire.msn.com/underwire/itspersonal/love/106love.asp

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), February 28, 2001

Answers

Women with stuffed animals on their beds are necessarily bad. I start to worry when the stuffed animals have their throats slashed...

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), February 28, 2001.

That's "are not" Geez, I need more Dew!

-- (kb8um8@yahoo.com), February 28, 2001.

5. Redheads

Strawberry blondes are welcome. When the tint shifts to fiery red, the "closed for business" sign gets hung in the winda.

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), February 28, 2001.

The woman spending thousands on shoes today will be hoarding who knows what tomorrow.

Not to worry, and you can trust me on this one, the woman who was spending thousands on shoes yesterday is still hoarding shoes today.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), February 28, 2001.

…….and opening museums to show them off!

-- Barry (bchbear863@cs.com), February 28, 2001.

Shhhhhhessshhh. Wipes forehead. I DONT have stuffed animals w/or w/o their throats slashed on my bed, I do have 2 closets of shoes tho.

I'm NOT strawberry blonde but I DO like to talk, so you got me there.

Fellow Female Forumites, come on, HELP me out here ladies :=)

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), February 28, 2001.

Doh!!!! slaps head so hard I see stars...I guess this is a guy thing?

my bad, exits stage right.

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), February 28, 2001.

LOL sumer. You are TOO funny!

-- Debra (Thisis@it.com), February 28, 2001.

Bingo-san,

Care to elaborate, oh open-minded one?

Deedah,

You're correct, shoe fiends don't change their stripes.

kb8,

{I think only shoe-fiends are likely to harbor intriguing heels in their closets anymore}. This essay reminds me of some old friends who used to swear they couldn't date a woman who wore make-up or shaved her legs or armpits. In my experience they were the first yahoos to stumble at the battings of a bleached blonde.

-- flora (***@__._), February 28, 2001.

Flora, your friends sound like several young Israeli males with whom I occasionally work. They're always talking about how "artificial" American women are, but let a blond gal go by, even if her body isn't model-perfect, and they're lost for the rest of the morning. We also used to have a temp secretary at work who practiced the Tammy Faye Baker look, but she was a natural blond, which seemed to draw a lot of interest in spite of the layers of goo on her face.

-- kb (kb8um8@yahoo.com), February 28, 2001.

Somehow I knew you'd call me on that comment, chickadee. I was waiting for the hammer to fall. I had a momentary lapse of judgment. Please punish me. Please. Pretty please?

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), February 28, 2001.

You need to join capn at the Shadow Lane Convention at Palm Springs over Labor Day for that sorta thing.

-- (Weeble@wee.ble), March 01, 2001.