Yo, Sparky. Yeah, You Know Who You Are.

February 18, 2001

By BRUCE MCCALL

INSIDERS are admitting that President George W. Bush's penchant for bestowing his own nicknames on close associates has provoked the first crisis of his new administration.

"Internal communications are in turmoil," confesses a high-ranking Bush aide known as Frenchy, though he doesn't know why. "The president says get me Knuckles on the line, or where's The Eskimo, or let Bones and uptown handle this," he laments, "and nobody has a clue as to who he's talking about."

Vice President Dick Cheney, a seasoned Bush handler, refuses to confirm or deny reports that he plans an internal White House telephone hot line where senior advisors, cabinet members and others can call in to find out their current presidential nicknames and those of their colleagues.

But knowing who's actually who among themselves has become a high-stakes guessing game for the Bush team members — as was underscored by a recent trip to Kansas City by a bewildered secretary of state, Gen. Colin L. Powell.

The president had ordered that Bullets be sent to represent the administration at a town meeting on farm subsidies. Assuming Bullets to be Mr. Bush's informal name for the only ex-military figure among his top aides, a member of the White House staff conveyed the word to General Powell. He was halfway to Kansas City aboard Air Force One before the goof was revealed: Bullets is the president's nickname for the secretary of agriculture, Ann M. Veneman. Mr. Bush's response to the snafu was quoted as, "Why for heck's sake would I send Balloonfoot to do Bullet's job?"

The first lady herself is reported to be "baffled" by her husband's nickname for her. "I hung up five times yesterday when he called to ask what was for dinner," said a flustered Laura Bush. "I thought it was a wrong number when the guy kept asking for Stretch."

Meanwhile, President Vladimir V. Putin of Russia is reportedly both baffled and incensed that on his first call to the new American president, Mr. Bush addressed him not as Mr. President or Mr. Putin but Ostrich Legs.

Mr. Cheney, who is said to believe his own Bush nickname to be either Hopalong or Crash-Dive (signed presidential memos evidently differ), has reportedly come to dread full cabinet meetings. "When George W. starts with the `Good morning, Skeezix' and `Let's ask The Undertaker," says one cabinet member, who thinks he himself may be Spinach Man, "they all look over at Dick for help, and he's as lost as they are. And if Dick doesn't know who the president's talking to, who does?"

A White House nickname hot line, should Mr. Cheney set one up, would be helpful but no panacea. High- ranking administration officials are still likely to refuse the call when their secretaries announce it's The Pecos Kid for Snooky. Foreign leaders beyond nickname-hot- line range will surely bridle at being called Nine Pin or Hound Dog by a fellow head of state.

And what of Mr. Bush's intimate circle? One old friend returned as Not Known At This Address a 50- pound shipment of Texas barbecue beef bearing the presidential seal, addressed to "The Big Goober." His name is Darryl.

Compounding the confusion is Mr. Bush's creativity with sobriquets, verging on free association.

"His nickname style isn't anything you can decode," points out a close observer known only as Four- Eyes. "Like, say, calling tall guys Shorty and right- handers Lefty. Why is Attorney General John Ashcroft Snake Hips — or is that Rumsfeld? No, he's Pistol Pete. Wait a minute, maybe Rumsfeld is Chickenman and Pistol Pete is Christie Whitman. Aw, I give up."

Asked by reporters about the impending nickname hot-line project, the president himself expressed surprise at the idea and said he had no information he was aware of.

"For that," he replied, "You'd have to talk to Stilts."

-- Quiet (Knight@Camelot.com), February 19, 2001

Answers

It boggles the mind that anyone can hold Dubya The Juvenile Delinquent in high esteem. His own staff can't figure out what in the hell he's talking about. Yup, that's world-quality leadership for you!

-- Shaking (MyHeadIn@Amazement.com), February 19, 2001.

It's so refreshing to have these kind of 'scandals' back in the White House. Rather than the Filegate's, Monicagate's, Chinagate's, DNC Fundraisingate's,etc. etc.

I'm ready for eight years of boring 'scandals'.

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), February 19, 2001.

Hey, Shaking (MyHeadIn@Amazement.com it could be worse. We could be faced with dealing with the guy Dubya beat in THREE out of THREE presidential debates. If Dubya's dumb...thats gotta make Al Bore a total moron.

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), February 19, 2001.

Yeah, you're the type that enjoys "scandals" like the recent Iraq bombing...it was unconstitutional, and against international law.

Unconstitutional, because only Congress has the right to declare war under Article 1, Section 8. And Congress did not declare war against Iraq in the last few days, or maybe I missed something.

Against international law because one country can legally attack another one only after it's been attacked or is about to be attacked. Saddam Hussein did not, and cannot, attack the United States. Nor was he about to try.

So tell us again, Ain't Got Shit For Brains (your official Bush Nickname, free with two cornflakes box tops), what a superior, intelligent guy Dubya is!

Then again, the GOP doesn't give a rats ass about the constitution or the law. Never mind.

-- It'sGonnaBe (aLongFourYears@Dubya.com), February 19, 2001.

This is a brilliant ploy. The pointy-heads will never get it. They take themselves much too seriously.

-- (Paracelsus@Pb.Au), February 19, 2001.

I'm ready for eight years of boring 'scandals'.

In your dreams, pal! Bush won't even make it through one term! Watch and see.

-- Tecumseh's (Revenge@CheckItOut.com), February 19, 2001.

Congress did not declare war against Iraq in the last few days, or maybe I missed something.

It'sGonnaBe (aLongFourYears@Dubya.com)

As usual...you are missing something ;-) W. GETS CONGRESS' BIPARTISAN BACKING Monday,February 19,2001

By VINCENT MORRIS

WASHINGTON - President Bush was right to bomb Iraq and did nothing wrong by ordering the hits without telling Congress first, top lawmakers from both sides of the aisle said yesterday.

In a surprisingly unified voice, Democrats joined Republicans in endorsing Friday's airstrikes against Iraq - the most violent since 1998, and an attack that's drawn criticism from most of the world.

The support comes even though Bush was in Mexico during the bombing and retreated to his ranch near Waco, Texas, for the weekend while reaction settled in.

"I don't think it is wrong that the president did not give us formal notice," said Sen. Carl Levin (D-Mich.), the top Democrat on the Senate's Armed Services Committee.

Levin criticized the former Clinton administration, which he charged with allowing "a pattern to develop in which they didn't always respond" to Iraqi military movements.

"We have to protect our pilots," insisted Levin, speaking on ABC's "This Week."

Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) called the bombing "appropriate" and defended administration efforts to push Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein out of power.

"I think [Bush] wanted to send a signal to Saddam Hussein that this gradual escalation on his side will not be tolerated," McCain told "Fox News Sunday." "Most Americans are very supportive of that."

Thousands of Iraqis continue to protest the bombings, which have drawn criticism from countries as varied as Russia, China, France, Spain, Vietnam, Egypt and Turkey.

This week, Secretary of State Colin Powell heads to the Middle East, where he will visit several countries to talk about key regional issues - including U.S. policy toward Iraq.

The airstrikes, which Bush approved Thursday, claimed two lives and injured 20 others.

Twenty-four U.S. and British fighter planes blew up radar sites and bombed key command buildings in Baghdad to maintain "no-fly zones" - set up after the 1991 Gulf War to protect Kurds in the north and Shiite Muslims in the south.

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), February 19, 2001.

Congress Gives Bipartisan Backing to Bush on Air Strikes

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), February 19, 2001.

Bush won't even make it through one term! Watch and see.

-- Tecumseh's (Revenge@CheckItOut.com), February 19, 2001.

Nobody is listening to your worn out cry of his 'illegitamacy' as President. Guess what, his approval numbers continue to CLIMB!

The way his numbers keep rising it's you that need to watch and see. Have a seat...enjoy the next 8 years.

:-)

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), February 19, 2001.

So tell us again, Ain't Got Shit For Brains (your official Bush Nickname, free with two cornflakes box tops), what a superior, intelligent guy Dubya is!

Does the link to the BIPARTISAN article clear things up for you bunky as to just how smart 'Dubya' really is?

;-)

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), February 19, 2001.

off!

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), February 19, 2001.

Ain't, I'm curious...

What would happen if your hero, George W Bush, turns out to be something close to a felon? What if he got out of something a while back because of money and connections? How would you feel about him then?

-- Bemused (and_amazed@you.people), February 19, 2001.

Oh, I simply cannot wait to see Ain't's answer to that one......

(BTW, Ain't, a little cursory research will show you that the "secrets" that Clinton "sold" to China were given to them during the Reagan/Bush Administration in the 1980s. But you knew that, right? I mean, someone with your obvious penchant for "reporting" would surely be aware of this, yes?)

-- this is too easy..... (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), February 20, 2001.

My first reaction to this was that it was pretty darn funny. Now that I've regained composure, I'd like to ask how his staff could have been so foolish as to 1) fail to consider why a president could possibly desire that his Sec'y of State attend a town meeting on farm subsidies, and 2) assume they knew whom Bush meant, instead of just saying, "Sorry, sir, I'm not sure to whom you refer." Are these people that petrified of losing their jobs in the White House. That doesn't serve the nation very well, in my opinion.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), February 21, 2001.

David:

I was convinced that this was an Onion piece until I checked the link. Personally, I still think it's satire, even if the Onion didn't print it.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), February 21, 2001.

Anita

It's gotta be satire. I thought The Onion too when I 1st read it. And the 10th time I read it. And every time in between.

Am I fallin' for a big joke or are yall serious??

It was funny as hell by the way.

Seriously,

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), February 21, 2001.

My sentiments exactly, Deano. Quite far-fetched if ya ask me.

-- (cin@cin.cin), February 21, 2001.

Anita, I had the same reaction as you did. Once I saw that it was from the NYT, I figured I'd throw in my two cents (apologies to Frank) in case it was for real.

For what it's worth, a Yahoo search found no corroborating hits using the keywords "putin," "ostrich" and "legs."

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), February 22, 2001.