20 ways to tell someone that his fly is open

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20. The cucumber has left the salad.

19. I can see the gun of Navarone.

18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.

17. You've got Windows on your laptop.

16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.

15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.

14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...

11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.

10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!

9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!

7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.

6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!

5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?

1. Men are From Mars, I Can See Your Penis



-- Cherri (jessam5@home.com), February 16, 2001

Answers

I can't believe that an hour ago I posted this

" you must be one hellofa woman."

And then you post this tripe. Cherri do you have penis envy?

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 16, 2001.


Oh for crying out loud, it was meant to be funny you pedantic, humorless, twit!

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), February 16, 2001.

One man's tripe is another man's humor.

Lighten up dude!

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), February 16, 2001.


"Lighten up dude"

Oh, all right! But I don't know how we can view this woman so differently.

I promise to do my best to lighten up but I'll have to bite my tongue so hard it will bleed!

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 16, 2001.


Ruh roh, it looks like you know who is back.....

-- KoFE (your@town.USA), February 16, 2001.


Um, Michael, your Kick Me sign is showing. And the wierd thing is, it's in your handwriting and you're wearing it on your front.

-- Miserable SOB (misery@misery.com), February 16, 2001.

My tongue is becoming a gusher.

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 16, 2001.

Try biting your fingers next time.

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), February 16, 2001.

This must be the Friday Joke thread...pay attention, Michael..

Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?

A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin on the end of a man's penis?

A. His body.

Q. Why do little boys whine?

A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?

A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?

A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?

A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What's the best way to kill a man?

A: Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?

A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?

A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

-- Peg (pegmcleod@mediaone.net), February 16, 2001.


I promise to do my best to lighten up but I'll have to bite my tongue so hard it will bleed!

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 16, 2001

Hey mr mike, you can bite your penis, IF you are double jointed, that might help you to not hurt your tongue, we dont like blood around here.

um, just trying to help.

-- member me (old@forum.member), February 16, 2001.



ROTFLMAO, Peg!

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), February 16, 2001.

ROTF...!!!

Mar.

-- Not now, not like this (AgentSmith0110@aol.com), February 16, 2001.


I hadn't realized I fell into a sewer with the most base people on earth. No wonder these turds defend Cherri. Continue on...

Have a nice day. Stiff upper lip and all that.

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff @hotmail.com), February 16, 2001.


Most base people on earth? Hey, I resemble that remark!

But seriously, Michael, what is your point? I've seen you call someone a moron, use the word cock, and now call everyone here a turd.

Are you familiar with the old saying about the pot and the kettle?

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), February 16, 2001.


Buddy are you in high school?

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 16, 2001.


No, but I used to teach high school.

Are you in lala land? Are you totally humorless?

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), February 16, 2001.


Buddy, Michael craves attention. The ball of string his mother gave him to play with rolled under the couch, he can't reach it and now he's bored. Could there be another explanation for his presence here?

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), February 16, 2001.

This is the first limerick I ever heard. I was about nine. It was soooooo funny-------

There was a man from Urbana

who sat down to play the piana

His foot slipped

His fly ripped

and out popped a hairy banana!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dick-jokes are timeless.

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), February 16, 2001.


Rich,

I'm bored too. That's why I'm jacking with him. Although I might jack with this guy even if I wasn't bored.

Hey Michael, your fly is open!

Made you look!

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), February 16, 2001.


Not specifically penile-related, but the best "dirty" limerick I've ever heard, in purely asthetic terms:

Though excited, her brother protested
"If we're caught, we could both be arrested!"
But she yanked down his shorts
Say judicial reports
And exclaimed, "I insist!", and incested.

From an issue of Playboy, circa 1970-something.

-- Bemused (and_amazed@you.people), February 16, 2001.


Buddy, Michael craves attention. The ball of string his mother gave him to play with rolled under the couch, he can't reach it and now he's bored. Could there be another explanation for his presence here?

ROFLMAO, good one Rich!!!

luved the "i'm bored comment also". Thanks guys you are too funny today and I luv it.

-- member me (old@forum.member), February 16, 2001.


Might as well toss this joke into the fray.Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.One says "I think I enjoy the rodeo position best.""I don't think have ever heard of that one",says the other cowboy."what is it?""Well,its where you get your girl friend down on all fours,and you mount her from behind,and you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands,and then you whisper in her ear,"Boy,these feel just a little smaller then your sister's" and then you try to hold on for eight seconds.

-- Dan Newsome (BOONSTAR1@webnet.tv), February 16, 2001.

"The sun oozed over the horizon, shoved aside darkness, crept along the green sward, and, with sickly fingers, pushed through the castle window, revealing the pillaged princess, hand at throat, crown asunder, gaping in frenzied horror at the sated, sodden amphibian lying beside her, disbelieving the magnitude of the frog's deception, screaming madly, "You lied!"

-- Barry (bchbear863@cs.com), February 16, 2001.

Sure, I have a sense of humor. The important thing to remember is it is only socially acceptable for a man to post humor like this. Only tramps like Cherri Stewart and sumer would consider posting toilet humor on the internet.

10) My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me.

9) My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.

8) My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. my dick.

7) My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.

6) My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blowjob in Tennessee.

5) My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.

4) My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.

3) My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.

2) My dick is so big, I’m already dating a girl tomorrow.

1) My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and my dick.

Farewell.

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 16, 2001.


"only socially acceptable for a man to post humor like this"

Like I said earlier, this is the 21st Century man.

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), February 16, 2001.


Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?

A: Have a man walk in and tell the other patrons, "Nice dick!"

-- Barry (bchbear863@cs.com), February 16, 2001.


Sure, I have a sense of humor. The important thing to remember is it is only socially acceptable for a man to post humor like this. Only tramps like Cherri Stewart and sumer would consider posting toilet humor on the internet

Hey Rich, can you please help me look for the ball of string his mom gave him?

To mikey:

It is obvious you have been around here awhile. So come on out of the closet ie. reveal yourself, the REAL you, instead of hiding behind your fake name?

Trouble with you is....You couldnt handle a woman like me or Cherri.

I bet your winkie is no bigger than a vienna sausage.

(there I didnt say COCK or PENIS), happy now?

-- member me (old@forum.member), February 16, 2001.


sumer, I wouldn't touch either one of you with a 10' pole. I don't care to risk diseases.

It's unfortunate you can't meet my wife so you could learn something. She is a stellar example of what a woman should be. She is the archetypal female. Since most of the posters here are toilet dwellers, her grace would probably go unnoticed by the common mortals.

Shouldn't you be sucking on that pipe right about now? I'm sure you're a classy sight.

Have a good evening.

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 16, 2001.


There was a young man from Kildare Who tried to seduce a bear. But the nasty old brute Took a swipe at his root, And now there's nothing but hair.

-- Peter Errington (petere@ricochet.net), February 16, 2001.

This thread's heading brought to mind an amusing moment in Silent Movie.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), February 16, 2001.

What happened to the man who put his condom on the wrong way?

He went.

-- Debra (Thisis@it.com), February 16, 2001.


Funny joke thread, Cherri. I never really DID know how to tell a friend that his fly was open, but felt it was something that a friend SHOULD point out [kindof like pointing out that chain of toilet paper to Eve]. I just settled on a quick, "Your zipper's undone." Peg, thank you. I laughed until I cried at a few of those.

What on earth is an archetypal female? Is it one that can only type in arches?

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), February 17, 2001.


As one who has walked around with his zipper unfastened, I only wish to add, I don't care how you tell me, but tell me!

Then again if some woman came up to me and said Paging Mr. Johnson, paging Mr. Johnson, I wouldn't have a clue as to what the hell she was talking about.

-- (Weeble@wee.ble), February 17, 2001.


(This one's just a little off the subject, but I think there are ways you could probably throw in a zipper...)

After her husband’s checkup, a woman was called into the doctor’s office. The doctor told her,

"Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you’ll have to do for him, or he will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and an especially nice meal for his dinner at night. Don’t give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by wearing lingerie and giving him backrubs. Let him watch his favorite sports on TV. And most importantly, make love to him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next ten months to a year, I think he’ll pull through."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.

"You’re going to die," she replied.

-- eve (eve_rebekah@yahoo.com), February 17, 2001.


According to Boswell, Samuel Johnson (always a slovenly dresser) was at a party and a lady came up to him and said "Dr. Johnson, you are *sticking out!*"

Johnson looked down, then looked back and the lady and said "You flatter yourself, madam. I am merely *hanging* out."

-- Flint (flintc@mindspring.com), February 17, 2001.


Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?" She was quite witty.

"Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), February 17, 2001.


It's unfortunate you can't meet my wife so you could learn something. She is a stellar example of what a woman should be. She is the archetypal female. Since most of the posters here are toilet dwellers, her grace would probably go unnoticed by the common mortals.

Shouldn't you be sucking on that pipe right about now?

ROFLMAO, I can picture your cave type wife right bout now. lemme guess, she is ALWAYS washing your shitty undies, brings you your beer while your FAT ass sits in front of the tv and cooks your meals daily.

Well hell she probably even brings them to you on your lil ol tv tray and sucks your pecker while you eat?

As for the pipe, yeah it IS bout time, eh, you gonna pass it on or are you bogarting there fatass?

Comeon put the fork down, and tell us the truth bout WHERE you met your lil MAIDen.

Give US a break.

-- (puff on @this.asshole), February 19, 2001.


My, my, Sumer.

You're becoming QUITE an obnoxious little bitch.

Is it that time of the month already? ;-)

I'm sure your employer would LOVE to know of all the time you wasted on this forum while you SHOULD have been working.

I wonder what your employer would say if I showed them the evidence? Hmmmm?

-- guess who (kiss.my@ass.com), February 19, 2001.


By ALL means, go ahead.

Oh and has it dawned on you yet that I am NOT at work today?

But thanks for the concern.

From one bitch to another.

-- bite me (old@forum.member), February 19, 2001.


She is a skanky piece isn't she?

Guess who if you're Manny I've been wanting to talk to you privately. (Manny if you're not guess who this message is for you.) Will you please contact me at mikeroskoff@myself.com

I would have emailed you first but you don't post an active email.

-- Michael (mikeroskoff@myself.com aka Michael Roskoff@hotmail.com), February 19, 2001.


Forget it mike, manny dont give BJ's, thats what your wife is for.

Now, back to the recliner.

-- Mikey's bud (guees@whoitis.now), February 19, 2001.


I'm not looking for a BJ, but the recliner does look pretty inviting right about now.

Have a good day.

-- Michael (Michael Roskoff@no.mail), February 19, 2001.


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