Yesterday the judging at Westminster Kennel Club began. Every year for I can't remember how long, a friend and I have sat on the phone during the televised portion and been wickedly catty and vicious about the judging. This year my friend entered Westminster, and I had NO ONE to gossip with about the politics and the handlers and the judges and ... it's just not as fun without her!

Anyone else feeling slightly disappointed because a friend's not around?

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Answers

Mary Ellen, I know how you feel. This past summer I had a friend that I would talk to every Sunday after Sex and the City and we would talk about the show and what the women were wearing and we had so much fun talking on the phone to each other. In September for reasons I can't really go into, he was no longer able to call me and I really missed the conversations we had. It just wasn't the same watching the show.

You need to tell us how your friend did in the show!

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

After my recent divorce just about all of my friends got weird. They started acting very strange around me and have basically let it be known that it's too uncomfortable to be around me. The ironic part is my ex-wife and I get along great and both have moved on to new relationships. Sometimes I act all aloof about it and say "I don't need them. Who cares?" but I care, a lot. We were a very close group. Which is probably why they got all weird about the divorce. I miss them and I wish they weren't being such losers.

So to answer the question, yes.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Word, Travis. I lost all but my 2 best friends in the divorce, and I was immediately replaced in that circle of friends by my xhusband's new girlfriend. It was a real slap in the face-not only losing my friends but watching them transfer their friendship to just whoever happened to be with my x. Nothing like feeling replaceable. But, if we're being really honest, I was also somewhat relieved. They really always were *his* friends.

But, I did get to keep my best friends, and now that I live a thousand miles away from my best girlfriend, watching Oz just isn't the same. Shopping isn't nearly as fun. And I CAN NOT play pool with anyone else, she is my ultimate pool partner. I can't even shoot straight without her ass across the table from me giving me funny looks and making snarky remarks. Thank the gods for Instant Messengers!

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I had to move suddenly and lost contact with a number of my friends. I miss them terribly, but they are friends with a particular person I don't want knowing where I am so I need to start over where I am now and make new friends. There are times when I'm watching a movie and think "Man, Katie and I would be saying lines from this movie to each other every day!" or seeing an outfit that I could just imagine my friend Lisa wearing to a club.

I hope in the future I can get back in touch with them.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

My former boss, who was my boss for three years until she left for another company last May, is also a very good friend of mine. She and I were keen on wordplay and some of our favorite games were seeing who could make the other blush via thinly veiled (and sexually harassing) euphemisms. Sometimes they weren't so thinly veiled as we tried to make each other laugh. So now, she's still in town, we still stay in touch, but it's not the same as all the little asides all day long every day at work. Damn, I gotta get her set up on some sorta IM, already.

Speaking of Westminster, the Christopher Guest movie, "Best of Show," last year was a laugh riot. I'm gonna buy it on DVD, I swear.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

My friend got dumped (which is what you say when you don't even make the judge's first cut). But it wasn't entirely unexpected because her bitch was in standing heat and tends to be a bit flaky on the best of days.

BUT, her friend, who was showing a closely related dog, went best of breed and so got on TV last night. Joe Garagiola (sp?) even made a nice comment about her dress. It was a big coup, as they beat several name handlers and dogs that have spent all year campaigning. Owner-handlers love to take wins from the pros. Especially at the Garden.

Paul, I haven't seen "Best in Show" yet, but I've heard it's not even close to being as weird as what really happens at shows.

I am glad to learn that apparently I'm not the only one who relishes being catty! But I already suspected that.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I'm missing all sorts of people; none -- NONE -- of my friends live here in LA. They're all in San Diego or NY or Philly or Atlanta or various points mid-West.... But just when I was feeling particularly blue, I got an e-mail from one of my oldest pals, whom I haven't heard from in a few weeks. That cheered me.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I miss Gwen hanging out on the boards!

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

dwawn how come you dont have freinds in la?? are poeple not nice there?

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Floosie, they hate me here because I'm fat. They only talk to you here if you're a size 0 and look like Sarah Michelle Gellar. I get chased out of shops and restaurants by fake-tanned people with perfect hair who're wearing midriff-exposing shirts as they scream at me "You! You're too fat and ugly to be in here! Out! Out! Go to The Valley with your own kind!"

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

My best friend died four and a half years ago, and there are times when I really really miss her, especially how funny she was and how much we made each other laugh. For awhile, all of my other friends were afraid to mention her because they didn't want to make me more sad than I already was. Once I told that that not talking about her was driving me nuts, they were more open about bringing up funny or crazy stuff that she did. Most of the time I am used to her not being around any more, but periodically (around her birthday or the day that she died) I miss her more.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

As soon as I posted that, I thought, "Damn! I hope I don't weird anyone out by talking about someone who died, as opposed to someone who's moved away."

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

Elena, you didn't weird me out; that was very touching. I'm going to call my best friend right now!

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

Elena, I think you just reminded us all of how very lucky we are. My heart goes out to you.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

That's right, Elena, it wasn't weird. It makes me feel so lucky no one close to me has died (yet). Well, I got some calls to make. :-)

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

Dwanollah, you are NOT fat, for crissakes. I've seen you in person. I've seen you in person RECENTLY, even, and unless you gained sixty pounds in less than two months or so, you're not fat. Stop taunting the Ever-curious Town Naif and admit that it's because you just moved there, like, nanoseconds ago. :) I mean, most people don't have built- in best bosom buddies sitting on go just waiting to hang out and talk girl talk and go shopping with them the very *minute* they move to a new town.

"Fat"! *laughs hysterically* So not true. That's the funniest thing I read all day. You are cordially invited to remove the sackcloth and ashes and to put down the Rod of Self-flagellation.

:)

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

You shut up, Milla, or I'll sit on you. You ain't objective. People'll think I paid you off or sumpthin'....

Okay, yeah, yeah, the reason is that I've only lived here for 4-5 mos., awright?

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

dwanollah, the thing is, it's LA. my sister moved to LA from NYC. After about two years, she was finally making some friends. she told me, "in NY, people say 'fuck you' but what they mean is, 'hi, how are you, how about a cup of coffee?' while in LA, they say, 'Like hi, how are you, how about a latte sometime' but what they mean is ... " you get the picture. So, odds are, it's not you girl.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

Hey, thank you all for the kind words. :)

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2001

Elena,

Two of my very close friends died a year and a half ago. I am also always unsure about bringing it up, especially with people I don't know, because people are often wierd about talking about things like that. I can understand it because it's such an intimate thing. I feel awkward evening bringing this up right now.

After they died it was all I thought about for over 6 months. I was utterly devastated. Finally I couldn't take being depressed anymore and had to force myself to live my life again before I got swallowed up in the grief.

I know exactly how you feel. There's nothing worse. I'm not the same person I was before they died.

I often wonder if 10 years from now, will I miss them so intensely. I imagine that I probably will.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2001

Elena, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm not going to offer up platitudes because I DON'T know how you feel--everyone handles this sort of thing differently--but I can empathize and relate. My father died when I was about 12, and when you're close to someone, friend or family, it does make a big impact on you. The closer the friend or family member, the more devastating it is. I'm sorry your friends don't know what to say. I experienced that as well. One of my classmates--the class clown, actually--decided to confront me with the so-called "rumour" that my father was dead and had the grace to be ashamed of himself when I burst into tears. People just don't know how to handle loss and death sometimes. Other friends didn't know what to say, but were always willing to listen. I hope that you at least had some people who were willing to listen, and some people who still are.

GForce, you will still miss them, but it won't feel like your heart is being cut out of your chest with a rusty spork after a while. Eventually you remember them with nostalgia and affection more than pain.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2001

Er--I phrased myself badly. I didn't mean that saying "I know how you feel" is a bad thing. I just avoid saying it personally, because it upset me more than anything else right after my father died and people were trying to jolly me out of my depression. So I qualify it the way I did for that reason, and not because I think anyone else is being insincere or anything.

Sorry! (My, this foot of mine sure tastes terrible!)

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2001

Milla and GForce: thank you both for your kindness. I think when close family members and great friends die, no one really knows what to say. People who've had similar experiences know how they reacted when others said unintentionally less-than-comforting things, or nothing at all, and don't want to make the same mistakes. And people who've never had anything like that happen to them are terrified of saying the wrong thing. Just in this last paragraph, I've erased my sentences three times cause I don't want to come across as Pretending to be an Expert on Grieving!

What I can say for sure is: the people who *tried* to help me, whether they stumbled over their words or didn't say much but sent me cards and called me more than usual, helped so much because I knew that they were trying to show me that they loved me and wanted to help me. That kind of caring meant more to me than what people actually said, and it's what I remember now. I haven't talked to an old co-worker in years, but I remember that August 17, 1996 he lent me Wallace and Gromit shorts because he thought that they would cheer me up.

GForce, all I can say is that it does get better. Like you said, you can only be steeped in grief for so long before you try to ease yourself back into daily living. It doesn't make you disloyal for moving on. I will never forget the fun times that I had with Nina, and I will never forget what kind of person she was both before and after she got cancer. And even though I feel like busting out crying as I type this, at the same time I also remember the face that she used to make when she misheard me (like the squinty-eyed dog from The Simpsons) and it makes me laugh.

Ok, I'm gonna stop now.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2001

My last college girlfriend's mom died the night after our first date. She died of a heart attack, pretty much right there in front of the whole family after dinner. I saw her at school the next morning and she told me. I, of course, didn't know what to say. So I hugged her. Later, she told me that the fact that I didn't just start saying all the usual nice things had meant a lot to her. I think that was pure luck; sometimes it's better to say something.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2001

whot happen to the boards?? where did every one go??? i miss yu guyz! expeshally the ones who were rill nice to me!!! the others can go to h*ll!!!

-- Anonymous, June 07, 2001