Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all
this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus
turned out. It's
probably just your dad."
------------------------------------------------------------- There was a man
who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and
jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror,
admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the
exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that. He went to
the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the
sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand. A bit
later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one
using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out
of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with
her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is
no
justice in the world." The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by
that?" The first little old lady replied, "Look at that.
When I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are
growing wild, and I'm too old to
squat.
--------------------------------------------------
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife
goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a
ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. "Yeah, right,"
she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual. The wife
tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the
closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's
testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his
buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring loudly. The
woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and carefully ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up hung over. He stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and
sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,and as he
walks back into the bedroom, he sees a red ribbon attached to his dog's
testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and says,"Boy, I don't
remember where we were or what we did, but, by God, we got first and second
place."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------
Once upon a time, in a land far away... A beautiful, independent, self
assured princess, happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological
issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond n a verdant meadow near her
castle. The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady, I
was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One
kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince
that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon
castle where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children,
and forever feel grateful and happy doing so"
That night, on a repast of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't
fucking think so.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------
MONEY It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can
buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy
you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can
buy you Blood But not Life It can buy you Sex But not Love So you see money
isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all
this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want to
take away your pain and suffering. So send me all your money and I will
suffer for you
Cash only please.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband asked his wife, "shall we try a different position tonight?"
The wife replied, "that's a good idea! Why don't you stand by the sink and
do the dishes, and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Beware of... THE ALGORE Virus.... (Causes your computer to just keep
counting and
counting) THE CLINTON Virus.... (Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO
memory) THE BOB DOLE (aka: VIAGRA) virus... (Makes a new hard drive out of
an old
floppy) THE LEWINSKY virus... (Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then
Emails everyone about what it did) THE RONALD REAGAN virus.... (Saves your
data, but forgets where it is
stored) THE MIKE TYSON virus.... (Quits after two bytes) THE OPRAH WINFREY
virus.... (Your 300mb hard drive shrinks to 100mb, then
slowly expands to restabilize around 200mb) THE JACK KEVORKIAN virus...
(Deletes all old files) THE ELLEN DEGENERES virus... (Disks can no longer be
inserted) THE PROZAC virus... (Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor
doesn't care) THE JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus... (Only attacks minor files) THE
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus... (Terminates some files, leaves, but
will be back) THE LORENA BOBBITT virus... (Reformats your hard drive into a
3.5 inch
floppy, then discards it through Windows)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------
A man goes to his doctor and says. " Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is
sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my
wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty
dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition
you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."
The man says "You have a deal, Doc."
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks
"What happened"?
The man answered "Nobody showed up!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
----
-- Anonymous, February 09, 2001