Im just about to leave for Brussels by SABENA (Such A Bloody Experience Never Again) and Im cacking my pantaloons. I havnt flown since me honeymoon 8 years ago, im very scared any tips from anyone???

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Answers

Top tips on ye answer pge.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Take a clean pair of pants.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

1. Make sure your Will is in order.
2. Check to make sure your company has your life insured while travelling. Death on a airplane specifically caused by terrorist activity is usually particularly lucrative for your relatives.
3. Before you get on check the runway for large sea-birds.
4. Don't look out the window at the ice on the wings.
5. Check the Pilot's breath.
6. Try to sit next to a bird with a good expanse of exposed cleavage - it keeps your mind occupied. 6. Order a large scotch - and pray, intently!

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Alcohol has been thought of , but I can't have travel sickness pills and alcohol so do i forget the pills or the whisky?

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

ALWAYS sit at the back of the plane.....I've never yet heard of one reversing into a mountain!

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

If the pilot arrives walking down the corridor taping a white stick and whistling In The Mood, get outta there quick!

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

When I went to the game in Barcelona I met up with two soles we have lost from the BBS namely "Ian in Exile" and "San Miguel". Ian (late 30s early 40s, looked like a lapsed skin head nutter, and admitted so later) was wetting himself with anxiety at the flight. He had though taken a tablet on his drive up from Bristol. He took another in the queue to baord. What I didn't realise wa she had had 6 altogether by the time we landed.

We all went out for a drink in the rain in the Ramblas. There was an altercation in the bar, to do with slow service, and the heavy handed local cops arrived, guns on belts, long truncheons out, the works. Ian had just reached the bar to get the round in and wasn't going to give up his place easily, despite the other two of us waviung madly at him to get out. The nice police man asked him to leave, he said no he'd prefer to buy his drink, and then he appeared out of the bar face first into the gutter outside. He was up and at them ready to take them all on, but we dragged him away.

We then went off to the marina area and sat looking at the most beautiful woman any of us had ever seen, while she served us liquid refreshment, and lots of it. When she eventually bored with our wit and charm we went to a nightclub, and had horrendous difficulties getting past the bouncer, but San Miguel got us in couresy of his amazing persuasive powers. We had more to drink, I danced around my hat on the dance floor. We staggered out, and Ian was more sick than I've ever seen any human being be, and it went further than any human being has ever spewed it.

If you decide to have a valium to calm your nerves, don't have 6, and don't follow it up with a dozen vodkas, apparently they don't mix.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Cheers !!! I feel great now im off in 20 mins. Just had two sturgeron and got 5 whiskys with my name on em up at the bar.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

I must be daft because I really enjoy flying (although the long haul ones get rather boring). However, I had one flight about ten years ago that made me waver ever so slightly.

It was from Aberdeen to Newcastle, and the plane was a sort of Ford Cortina with wings stuck on the side. I was sat right behind the pilot's seats, separated from them by a cloth curtain. Hence I was party to the following one-sided conversation (which I can remember almost word for word).

"HOW many did you say we had on board"... "35, yes I thought that was what you said"... "Well we just haven't got the fuel for that many"... "No, not the way that I just calculated it we haven't"... "I'll bet they are all men as well"... (I managed to work out that the signicance of this was that men weigh more than women on average - a quick glance round confirmed that we were indeed all males). "We'll be well short of Newcastle on that"... "How much space is there in the cargo bay"... "OK, tell you what, put half the items of hand luggage in the overhead lockers into the cargo bay and I'll do it"...

Which duly happened - a blerky with a red fluorescent jacket took every other piece of hand luggage out of the plane and stowed it in the cargo bay. We then took off.

It seemed a long journey as we all in our different ways mused on what happens when a plane runs out of fuel. The bar was very quickly depleted of all stocks that might contain traces of alcohol.

As you will realise, the journey was otherwise uneventful - but I still wonder to this day what the hell difference it makes whether the same weight of luggage of stowed in the overhead lockers or in the cargo bay. Any aircraft buffs (no pun intended given the starting point Buff) that could shed light?

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

This is like one of those mindbending puzzles we had recently. I mean, if you really wanted an explanation for this, is it possible that they could jettison the cargo if the fuel was running out faster than hoped? "Luggage Away!" would go the cry and 30 or 40 suitcases could be dumped on an unsuspecting Berwick or somewhere. Or maybe that's a preset script they used whenever they knew the passengers were listening ...

It's a pity Kennyboy's gone now. I wanted to remind him that they've imprisoned that Libyan last week so Kennyboy doesn't need to have Lockerbie playing on his mind at all now ...

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

I'm not a nervous flyer at all, but was made so on a trip to Oz a few years ago. We were flying about a week after the TWA flight blew out of the sky on take off from JFK. Still lots of speculation as to the cause. My boyfriend picked up a copy of Time in the airport and started reading as soon as we sat down. For the first 20min into the flight he proceeded to read aloud the accounts of what happened/may have happened as that flight took off/blew up. I finally told him to shut it or move to another seat. There's a time and a place...that wasn't it. ;-))

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Dr Bill I know this a day late, but I have some flying experience (albeit limited and not passenger aircraft) and believe me I would never take a plane up without sufficient fuel that would be suicide....all airline pilots get a load sheet before departure which tells them the exact weight of checked in baggage and also passenger numbers...from this they then calculate the amount of fuel to upload....if baggage is loaded incorrectly it can cause the aircraft to be uncontrollable on t/o..but handbaggage..they were having a larf me thinks.

-- Anonymous, February 06, 2001

Oh howay Marty, I do a lot of travelling and I've come across quite a number of occasions when fuel has run particularly low - even run out on the odd occasion. However, I have now taken to carrying a spare can of unleaded in the boot since I ran oot on t' M62 near Leeds and haven't had a problem (?) since then. Dr Bill - suggest you do the same. Mind, they might charge you for extra baggage.

-- Anonymous, February 06, 2001

Tried it once Sceacher....mid air refueling that is. The wing was a bit slippy mind at 2000ft and it was blowing a f*****g gale up there as well. (:-)

-- Anonymous, February 06, 2001

Ah well - in that case I suggest you try leaded next time Marty. Keeps you anchored to the wing a bit more. Mind - it does add to the take-off weight so you have to weigh up the pros and cons.

BTW - was it a pay-at-the-pump jobbie or did you have to take your credit card to the little window? Did they do sweeties as well?

What-Ho, Biggles!

-- Anonymous, February 06, 2001

Marty, sorry but that's what happened. OK, I've left out a bit about the amount of reserve fuel (partly for dramatic effect I admit) and what he ended up saying was that he was well below the reserve level in case he couldn't land straight away, not actually well short of Newcastle. Other than that, it was word for word. The shifting of the luggage was real, took ages, and the pilot was well p*ssed off by the time it was done. The air was crackling between him and the ground guy.

Having a laugh? I don't think so.

-- Anonymous, February 06, 2001

Could the way weight is distributed in the plane cause varying levels of fuel usage? I've been on flights where they've shifted passengers around to distribute body weight (so the plane could stay level, I guess?). But haven't seen them move hand luggage. Of course, seeing how much people carry onto planes, I often wonder how in the world they account for what could be a large unknown quantity in their calculations.

-- Anonymous, February 06, 2001

I believe what you said Bill, just seems strange thats all.

All I can think of was that he was shifting weight around to increase

the aircraft performance in the climb ( most fuel is used on take-off

and climb...for short flights)He should have started with a bigger

plane, much easier all round.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

No ideas on luggage distribution, but I did pick up an interesting conspiracy theory lately on the British Midland plane that crashed by a motorway a few years back. Like all these things, it needs to be taken with a pinch of salt, but this one was intriguing;
Anyway, I need to set the scene a little so you can judge the credibility of the 'informer'. He's a work colleague - mid fifties - who I've been working closely with for about a year. A senior project manager within a large UK bank, so in theory a reliable witness (although he is prone to gossip and had had a few beers by the time he'd told me). Anyway, a friend of his, for over 20 years, works for the Social Services in the Nottingham area, and specialises in trauma counselling. When the crash happened, my work colleague and this guy were holidaying together with family. This guy, let's call him Andy, was summoned to the hospital and had obviously heard the crash on the news. When he came back from the hospital, he tells my collegaue (let's call him Joe) that there were some very strange goings on. Before Andy even got near the hospital, he was stopped by plain clothed officers and told to re-sign the official secrets act, then escorted the rest of the way there. The hospital was teeming with strange types (other than the usual doctors/nurses etc.) and the whole hospital had been divided up into special wards. Someone important was supposedly on the plane, and it wasn't engine failure that caused the crash, but a hand-held missile launcher shortly after take off. Joe says he believed him, but what really clinched it for him was that when they all drove to the station a few days later, they were overtly followed, and Andy almost to prove his point, stopped his car. The unmarked car stopped a discrete distance away, and almost immediately a police car came up and stopped. The officers snooped around and asked Andy who was with him and checked that everything was ok, then sped off....
Subsequent to this incident, Andy (according to Joe) has been involved in various sensitive situations, especially relating to terrorist activity and dealing with trauma victims, including a trip to Oklahoma

Make of it what you will - I'm not convinced myself, but it is in theory only one person removed from the actual event. Surely there would have been eye witnesses though..almost impossible to cover up something like that I'd have thought.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

My wife was on the plane from San Francisco to London when the autmatated message went off saying "we are about to land in the sea, please take up the safety positions". Screams all round. She, being a clear thinking person just thought it was a mistake cos they were still over land.

30 minutes later it went off again. More wild screams, she just had another drink.

She never mentioned it to me when she got home on the Saturday evening, but I heard her telling the kids the next day. Monday morning it was first item on the news. Of course BA went out of their way to make people feel better, sent a letter of apology and then to help you get over the trauma either a years free travel on BA, or three bottles of wine. You guess which.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

Like Dr Bill, I've always enjoyed flying. Only two incidents have panicked me slightly. One was flying from the Isle of Man - small Aer Lingus jet. Just after take off, the pilot tells everyone to brace themselves and the plane dipped it's wing drastically - I mean really drastically not just a steep bank. It levelled up within seconds though and the pilot comes across all jovial, saying that he was just waving to his wife cos it was her birthday..hmm..either the pilot was a maniac or more likley very good at reassuring the passengers that there wasn't anything untoward, and hadn't just had a near miss.
The other was an aborted landing on a trip to Paris, where a faulty landing gear light came on just before we touched down - it's not nice when you're coasting in to land, a few minutes from touchdown, to hear a huge roar from the engines followed by an extreme climb. We then spent a very nervous hour or so circling around, before they could verify that the landing gear was fine. As you can imagine..until we were safely down, it was nerve wracking to say the least.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

Have you all had a look at www.amigoingdown.com ?? i've been using it to try and reassure my girlfriend who's afraid of flying that we're perfectly safe going to Barbados in a couple of weeks time....I think it came back with a 42million to 1 chance of crashing on that trip.....everyone at work has been using it to check out their flights, strangely noticed that Aer Lingus seem to be the safest airline! with roughly a 138million to 1 chance of crashing on a flight from dublin to london city....

My only dodgy flight was from Heathrow to Basel....pretty non-eventful until we were about to land, it looked like we were heading down as normal onto the runway but as we got closer a number of us noticed we were going parallel to it......got lower and lower and then when it seemed like we were only a couple of hundred feet from the ground the pilot swings the plane round quite violently so that you could see the ground directly below you out of 1 set of windows! the then pulled another less violent right angle turn and dropped lightly down onto the runway from the opposite to which we normally landed......no explanation or anything but all passengers were a bit shocked....

Just remembered flying to Cyprus was quite amusing as well....a huge round of applause was given when the plane landed.....couldn't for the life of me figure out why but it was enough to get me worried :))

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

If you're worried about flying go and see Cast Away.

Talk about kakking your keks.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

Fellow "cackers", I hate flying always have always will. Took some lessons and everything still do not like it.

I have flown into some airports where the plane banks 90deg to land as the hills are on three sides and the wind for landing blows from the side without mountains.

Have had 3 goes at taking off from 1 strip because the wind dropped and we did not have enough lift, the strip was too short to get to a good speed!

Another occassion I was an observer, sitting all ready headset on, take off, start to bank to starboard and over the headset from the pilot ".....oh no.......shit.......". Now as a nervous flyer that was the last thing I wanted to hear, fortunately one of the wheels had failed to come up. Needless to say the pilot bought me drinks all night to say sorry!

Finally, Perth airport suffers from wind shear in summer, sometime called down burst. The wind suddenly changes direction and comes down from above with enough force to push the plane into the ground. We were coming in to land during a summer thunder storm, 100ft from the deck and we were hit by a wind sheer. The pilot applied full power (Fokker F28) the result was a violent shudder as we tried to gain altitude. The cabin twisted so much all the overhead lockers sprung open, screams, the lot.

Still I lived to tell about it so it cannot be that bad!

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

Has anybody heard from Kennyboy? Just wonderin' like...............

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

I've had my dhare of scary moments.

Travelled a lot by plane so I'm used to turbulence, bumpy landings etc.. Once when landing in Spain as soon as we hit the ground there was an incredible vibration and all the overhead lockers were flying open, oxygen masks falling down. When this sort of thing happens you notice the air stewardesses are as calm as anyything as they've seen it all before. I wasn't at all worried until I glanced at the 2 stewardesses across the plane from my seat gripping their seats tightly... both as white as sheets. Turned out it was a burst nosewheel tyre (one of 2) and the nose of the plane was shaking from side to side quite dramtically.

Worst one was in a snowy Chicago. I arrived a day early for my flight as I was finished work and fancied getting an earlier jet. Went to ask if I could get a seat on today's flight and the chirpy check-in girl said "no problem sir. In fact you can get on yesterday's as it hasn't arrived yet"
As it turned out I got a seat on the previous day's flight which was 100% full... luggage and all... a very heavy jumbo.
Take off was fun as half way(or so) down the runway one of the port engines let out a large bang and flash of flame. Lots and lots of screaming passengers as the pilot applied the airoplane equivalent of an emergency stop. It seemed to last forever until bumpitty bump we turned right, off the runway and onto what would have been grass were it not covered in a couple of feet of snow.

Panic over... we'd stopped. what happened next was far worse than those moments of panic(actually I was quite calm... a combination of fatigue and 6 hours of gin and tonics). We trundled back to the departure gate where the pilot announced that they were going to check the engine for damage. A lot of folk wanted to get off but they were clearly wanting to get the flight on it's way. FOUR HOURS sitting in the pigging plane... no alcohol so I started to sober up... it was hell.

Pilot announced that the outermost engine had sucked in snow from the side of the runway and though very spectacular there was no damage to the engine. Off we went to try again on a wider runway!. At the start of the runway the pilot did a full power engine test to ensure all was OK. v. exciting!! So off we trundled to start our take off run. I was of the opinion that the pilot wouldn't risk his own life so it must be OK. I wish I hadn't looked out of the window as we sped down the runway though... both sides were lined with fire engines, ambulances and a whole host of other emergency vehicles. Nice, thought I, they don't expect us to make it!

The rest of the flight was normal and I'd soon restored my blood alcohol level.

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

Chicago for me too Geordie, tho nowhere near as scary as you. Nice, gentle approach to the runway, clear skies and I was looking forward to the nice long immigration queues ;-)

As is my wont, I was sat by the window and looked out to see the approaching ground. Well, as you know, O'Hare is a very, very busy airfield with multiple runways in multiple directions, and there, trundling along the runway at right angles to ours was a plane on it's take-off run. Our guy obviously got the message or perhaps just saw it and he "put his foot down", pulled back the stick and we went upwards at a rapid rate of knots. Couldn't have been a couple of seconds from a "major potential incident". Still, as you say, a long flight with free booze certainly makes you less concerned, but the effect of the incident bliddy-well sobers yuo up damned quickly.

Anyway - the reward for the interuption was a long left turn ("my" side of the plance), right over Downtown Chicago, out over the lake and back in to O'Hare - by far the best way to see Chicago, eh Syme??

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

So have all these stories scared anyone of ever flying again? ;-)

Geordie's story reminded me of an incident when I was flying from LA to NY. Had a scheduled stopover in Dallas(ptuh!). Everyone relaxed in their seats LAX as we began to taxi next in line for takeoff, when there was a bump. Shook the plane slightly, had people looking at each other, but we continued to pick-up speed and took off with no problem. Figured we must have hit a pothole or something.

Ho hum 2 1/2hrs later we land at DFW. As we taxi to the terminal the pilot informs us that the plane was being taken out of service(was scheduled to continue through to NYC), so we'd all have to get off while they looked for another plane to take us the rest of the way. He had to fly this one to Chicago for repairs cause we'd been hit by a truck on the runway in LA. Nice of them to fly us half way across the country then deciding it wasn't fit for service, yet they planned to fly it to Chicago anyway. ?????????

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

Im Back in 1 piece, hurrah. Flight out was OK , but coming back it was very windy I thought the wing was gonna touch doon b4 the wheels, I was in a 80 odd seater aj100 when the undercarriage drops it sounds like somits fallen off the plane. I asked the stewardess if everything was ok - she assured me then avoided eye contact the rest of the way.

Al in all not as bad as I feared but I dont want to do it again in a h

-- Anonymous, February 07, 2001

Dr Bill, this buff may be film buff, football buff , flying buff nah, but surprise surprise , the guy I work with for 48 hours a week is an ex-loadmaster in the R.A.F. By your posting I guess it was a one way conversation you heard. Item one fuel >> all aircraft will have onboard 5% contingency and diversionary fuel as per legal requirement. item 2 >>load, move hand luggage >> to keep aircraft within its center of gravity limitations (balance) for take off, flying ,landing. Simply its a balancing act to keep the aircraft within its trim envelope , Modern flights they tend not to weigh individual, write you down at 180 lbs, but say there was a flight of midgets or roly polys the trim sheet comes out.

-- Anonymous, February 11, 2001

when the undercarriage drops it sounds like somits fallen off the plane

That would have been the illegal immigrants no doubt.....!

Hat, coat, scarf, gloves, door, gone......before the PC police arrive!

80)

-- Anonymous, February 11, 2001

Two skidmark incidents that I can recall both involving choppers,

training Aussie troops in chopper drill north of Cairns in 66 , 9 of us aboard, 30` auto-rotate kaput - plonk - bit of a prang landing - culminating with all Wessex grounded worldwide and eight aussies and myself unhurt , nothing but a few pitchers of beer could put right/

Early 90`s checking buried pipeline from St Fergus to Braefoot Bay in Fife for Shell. The pilot of the wee squirrel chopper was from a three man operation run out of Inverness, Milk run of a job really. in fact we did a draw monthly as we had space for another soul and we/I give preference to the lasses who worked on plant. Take off down to Dundee, bacon butty, Mossmorran and follow the coast on return flight, beautiful , a top of the bill jolly for 5 hrs. Never did see the contract but I suspect firm were payed on completion of monthly check. One day it was fine when we left, cloud came in low , pilot said nae problemo , take her down so you can check They must have had a cash flow situation but enough was enough,in a crazy 5 minute experience we were dodging under pylon cables.cattle were stampeding. the poor lassie out of document control was living up to the title of this thread , all the pilot could see was £1 notes flashing, return to base now.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2001

Buff

Do the military still do the monthly check of the white stiles, or have they contracted this out to people like you?

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2001

Toon-man, not with you on the white stiles??, been out since 1969 tho, To follow a buried pipeline , to check on permitrey proceedure etc had the map route of line and at most road crossings at the side of a field will be permanent post, 4 foot with luminous orange triangular metal cover, never more than a 1 mile apart , even years after completion although it was not noticeable from the ground the pipeline strip was always visible from the air. So next time you are motoring along look out for the pipeline markers!!

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2001

I'd seen those posts with the little orange roofs and wondered what they were for - thanks buff!

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2001

If the British Gas, Transco, Centrica still have their research place at Killingworth there just maybe be a section of pipeline on show that I blew up when under hydraulic pressure test at a little place off the A2 in Kent called Upstreet.

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2001

This is beginning to resemble "the thread that wouldn't die".

Some great stuff, and thanks to Marty and Buff for explaining the bit about weight distribution - it makes sense to me. Tell you the truth, I wasn't too worried about the fuel, on the grounds that if the pilot was prepared to risk it it was probably OK, but the rest of the front row took it extremely seriously.

If you're going to talk about serious scares, Buff (seeing as Kennyboy's back safe and sound), Tirana-Kosovo on 29 June 99 took the biscuit for me. Actually I nearly donated me biscuit. Could see right over the pilot's shoulder as we twisted through the mountains pretty low down then descended very hard to smack onto the runway. Actually in Skopje as the Russians still held Pristina Airport. Taxiing past all the SAM and AAA batteries (plus about half of an Armoured Division) I though it was the ultimate white knuckle ride - put totally into perspective when the plane I had been on was lost with the loss of all aboard about a month later. It was never determined as far as I can tell whether it was shot down or whether the pilot just got it wrong.

Oh, and if we stick to commercial flights, I would personally try to avoid Tupolevs - never been on one but seeing some at close quarters didn't inspire confidence (just earache).

-- Anonymous, February 12, 2001