Hi - My name is Jonno and I'm a BBS-o-holic

I don't know how it started but I recognise I have a problem and need help. It began about 5 years ago - found the web site, lurked for a week or 2, tentatively, furtively, tried one or two posts - at first I was sure I could keep it under control - then it took over. I log on at least 18 times a day and set the alarm during the night so I can pick up on the news from our friends in USA, Canada, Australia & New Zealand. If I start a thread then I will log in every 2 minutes for the next 3 hours to check the progress on "my" thread. I check the stats page constantly and practise black magic in an attempt to prevent Screacher and Gav posting. I live in a constant waking nightmare where I am reading a league table with Man Utd top and Sunderland second.

At home I instituted a family BBS and insisted that all domestic communication would happen via this medium. Unfortunately I had to revoke my childrens' passwords when they sent rude replies to my "TIDY YOUR BEDROOMS" thread. Similarly my wife's password was revoked when she started a "The last time we had sex" thread and posted it in the "Jokes" category. That'll be why I've not heard from them in a while. Actually, the whole house has been VERY quiet for a few weeks - perhaps they've left.

At work my professional competence was questioned when I started rearranging the office desks in 4-4-2, 4-3-3 and 3-5-2 formations. My attempts to start a team pick competition where you have to name the board members for next week have led to huge reductions in productivity. The time I have logged on the internet has not gone un-noticed by my employers, er, former employers.

But I have resolved to change. This morning I did not log on when the alarm went off at 0430 . Instead of rushing to see what Ciara and Syme had been saying overnight, I drank two large gins and went back to sleep. Waking in a panic at 0445 I then comforted myself with an injection of heroin. I think I'm getting back in control. I think I can handle this. With your help I can beat this.

My name's Jonno - I'm a BBS-oholic - but I love it! - Must dash - just got to post some birthday greetings and see what the latest transfer rumours are ...

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2001

Answers

Dear Jonno

Oh dear dear dear, these football free weekends do take their toll don't they.

Don't worry deary, it won't last forever, your cyber friends will help you through it deary and when they do, you will be a better person for it deary, promise deary.

Come back next Sunday evening deary and tell me that you feel better after a game against those nice Charlton brothers deary, you will do that for me won't you deary.

Love

Clare

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2001

Dear Clare,

Please don't give peole ill informed advice. I'm sure that Mr. Jonno will be equally as frantic until Sunday evening.

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2001

Oops, I need some new glasses- you had said Sunday. Sorry :-)

-- Anonymous, February 04, 2001

Absolutely superb as usual Jonno!

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Jonno, I think I know what your problem is, but in the interest of decency, I will e-mail you with specific advice rather than shock the rest of the readers. In the meantime, I suggest you get a life. It was obvious yesterday that this problem is affecting you to a great degree. I mean, you were watering yer beer down with fizzy, sweetened waata and you left before Dr Bill fell on the floor (which admittedly was sometime after Dougal passed out).

Can I suggest that in future you take counselling from Softie who is obviously maturing into a Dr Bill look-alike. Fatherhood is clearly taking its toll but he's still able to hold his beer, which is more than Steph did a few weeks ago, hoying doon the stairs ower ev'rybody.

In the meantime, I suggest you try the new BBS Unplugged. It's quite simple really - just grab your modem cable and rip it out of the wall. After a while, the IE "Server uncontactable" message will turn you to drink and all will be well.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Jonno, I went through the same thing a few years ago, I know the pain and the dificulties that you are expierencing. I tried the patches, the conselling, the meetings with other sufferers non of which worked.

Eventually I found a cure ,,,,,,,,,,, hang on got a customer

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

I tried those patches as well, they didn't taste very nice and the glue on them kept sticking to my teeth.

80)

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

No problem tho Ken, eh. Just take yer teeth oot!

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Canna help heor marra - got the same problem!

"....she started a "The last time we had sex" thread and posted it in the "Jokes" category." Excellent - LOL.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

I am not addicted. Which is why I don't have bbs cookies on half the terminals at the Toon and Gatwick Internet Exchanges

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

So let's make I've got this right ciara - anything you post may not have been posted by you? That it?

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

That'd be my evil twin.

Or maybe this is.

Hmmmm.....where am I? Who am I? What is the meaning of life? What is meant by meaning? What is the meaning of meant? what is real or unreal? what is here? What is there?

Why am I paraphrasing old Neil Simon scripts? I need a drink. %-)

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Ahhh, that Neil Simon was never as good after Garfunkel left.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Screach thats the the funniest thing ive read on here in a while , nice one .. sorry Ken had to laugh : - ))

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Sting - he'll have to remember to do it before he removes his false arms tho. And therein lies the problem - remembering.

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001

Get away with the two of you......just cos wor lass complains that by the time I take everything off to get into bed there's more on the chair than there is in the bed.....there no need to take the piss......its the only real part of me!

-- Anonymous, February 05, 2001