Lawyer jokegreenspun.com : LUSENET : Unk's Wild Wild West : One Thread
A Charlotte, NC man having purchased a box of very rare, very expensive cigars insured them against fire among other things. Within a month of having smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.
In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued...and won! In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed that the claim was frivolous. He stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the man $15,000.00 for the rare cigars he had lost in the "fires."
HERE COMES THE GOOD PART!!
After the man cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON. With his insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This is a true story and it won the 1999 Criminal Darwin Award!
-- ... (...@aol.com), February 03, 2001
Why does a Lawyer wear a tie?
To keep his fore-skin pulled back...
-- Uncle Bob (email@example.com), February 03, 2001.
Uncle Bob, didn't they start letting women be lawyers a couple of years ago? I'm sure I remember that happening.
-- Little Nipper (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 03, 2001.
Ah say, Ah say, you're missin' the point, boy. The point.
Fore-skin. The lawyer is a "prick", boy. A "prick". Get it?
It's a joke, boy. A funny.
(Aside to the audience) Nice enough kid, just a little slow up top, is all.
With apologies to Foghorn Leghorn.
-- J (Y2J@home.comm), February 03, 2001.
You don't get it. There are no such things as women lawyers. That was just a figment of the imagination developed by the left wing to ruin our nation.
Don't worry the King of the Village Idiots and his fascist underlings will get this straightened out in no time. After all they have the popular mandate of the People. or was that Gore that had that and the Village Idiot who represents the Minority.
-- Jack Booted Thugs (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), February 03, 2001.
Sent to me by a friend who works for a law firm. Reportedly a true story...
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Question. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
Answer. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Question. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
Answer. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best come-back" line, and we think he'll win.
-- CD (email@example.com), February 03, 2001.
Not exactly in the same vein, but was there justification?
LITTLE OLD WOMAN IN HER OWN DEFENSE
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!" And THAT'S when I shot the son of a bitch.
-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), February 03, 2001.
Why does a Lawyer wear a tie? To keep his/her fore-skin pulled back...
(see...lawyers are dick-heads, regardless of gender)
(if ya gotta explain it...it's not funny)
-- Uncle Bob (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 04, 2001.
Well, now, Uncle Bob -- some of us in the legal community might disagree with these comments. Unless, of course, you're talking about personal injury lawyers. Us commercial lawyers think they're just scum. Don't ya just hate it when you start litigation over some shit-ass construction problem, try to settle the thing, it turns out the defendant has applicable CGL coverage, and then their god damned insurance lawyer goes ape-shit on an hourly basis?
On the other hand, there is one good piece of advice I can give you about lawyers. Any time your soon-to-be ex-wife, your soon-to-be ex- business-partner, etc., starts commenting on how wonderful, honest, upright, etc., your current lawyer is, it's time to get a new lawyer.
-- E.H.Porter (email@example.com), February 05, 2001.
All lawyers except you (and any other lawyer that reads this...BTW, a lawyer told me this joke...)
-- Uncle Bob (firstname.lastname@example.org), February 05, 2001.
I tend to think lawyer jokes are pretty funny, but I recently had a lawyer "on payroll", and I talked to this guy for a while. Upstanding republican type, but he talked like a political activist. He said that there's a lot of ways our government takes advantage of us in the courts, and we don't know about it and don't fight it. He seemed genuinely disturbed by this. After that encounter I've had a better opinion of lawyers.
-- Bemused (email@example.com), February 06, 2001.