Eight handy exercises you can do in your own home to prepare for the hospital experience

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Unk's Wild Wild West : One Thread

1) Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the Chemlawn man to probe you with his applicator.

2) Drink a quart of Sherwin Williams Eggshell Beige One-Coat Interior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his Slinky down your throat.

3) Put a real-estate agent's "Open House" sign in your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuck up your nose.

4) Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating "mild discomfort".

5) Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from 10:00PM to 7:00AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wrist with a Phillips screwdriver and stab yourself with a knitting needle.

6) Remove all actual food from the house.

7) With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.

8) Urinate into an empty lipstick tube

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), February 03, 2001

Answers

9) Stick a garden hose up your dick and drain 300 cc.

-- (nemesis@awol.com), February 03, 2001.

ROTFLMAO.....

Reminds me of the time I broke my foot and was in the emergency room being examined by the "doctor". He kept poking it in the exact spot where the bone broke and asking me if it hurt. I kept yelling, "OUCH!!!!". Now, I don't know about anyone else, but if the situation were reversed and I was playing the part of The Doctor, I'd take that "OUCH!!!!" as a clue.....a screaming clue.

But noooooooooooooooo. Dr. Mengele became completely exasperated because apparently, I didn't understand what he meant. So he kept poking.

After approximately four minutes of this, I grabbed his hand (I have a damn good grip) and said, "If you were sitting here with the broken foot, and I was poking the exact spot where it was broken and I had a number of stupid signs in Latin on the wall allegedly proclaiming my ability to put a "Dr." in front of my name and you kept yelling "OUCH!!!!" every time I poked the damn spot, I'D TAKE THAT AS A CLUE THAT IT HURT!!!"

I never saw the guy again. He sent the nurse the next time :-)

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), February 03, 2001.


Pat....LMAO...

How bout this one? For over a year while stationed in Va, I lost hearing in my left ear. Military hospitals suck, imho. After over a yr of no hearing and being super sensitive to loud noise, they champed me out to a REAL doctor.

I went. Dude told me my ear was in serious shape and he would have to put a needle into my eardrum (which I hear is the MOST sensitive part in/on your body) and drain it.

As he stuck the needle in my eardrum, I came out of the chair screaming in pain. The sob says "IF you dont hold still, I cant do the procedure, perhaps, I'll leave the room and when I come back you'll be a little more ready or perhaps I wont do it at all and you can suffer?"

At which point I kindly replied "Or we can have C option, you can sit here and I can stick a Fuc*king needle in your ear?".

Needless to say, I let him continue. :0 OUCH.

-- usmer (shh@aol.con), February 03, 2001.


ROTFLMAO!!!!!!! I can picture you sitting there saying JUST THAT.

Good for you ;-)

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), February 03, 2001.


9) Stick a garden hose up your dick and drain 300 cc.

Ouch. When I got in my motorcycle accident, the catheter was actually the most horrible, painful part. I was 17, and for some reason had no idea that that happened before surgury. I'm already in incredible pain, and here comes a nurse to... (shudder)...

-- Bemused (and_amazed@you.people), February 03, 2001.



Moderation questions? read the FAQ