Read this on Yahoo - thought I'd share it.

THE SECRET DIARY OF MARK BOSNICH

July 15, 1999
My first day at United. One thing is clear from the start. I'm the best f***in' player at this club. Easy. Things should be a piece of p*** here.

October 23, 1999
I tell you, I'm about as happy as a bastard on Father's Day. The boss has only gone and picked that bludger Van Der Gouw again. Bloody hell, I know the bloke looks like a Seventies porno star but jeez, he's bloody rubbish compared to me. I wouldn't dip his second hand boilers if you paid me.

November 2, 1999
Something's up with the bloody scales here. They're saying I'm 17 bloody stone! No way. OK, I may be a bit chunky, but goalies need a lot of upper body strength and I'm working out every day on the Sheilas here. Wearing all that rubber makes you sweat like a horse, and it takes a lot of energy to use those whips and chains.

December 6, 1999
That drongo Taibi is on his way out by the looks of it. Another dag who's about as much use as a fart in a spacesuit. Strike me pink, he was even uglier than VDG. They're all jealous of me and my looks. I've got a real shine to my complexion these days.

January 10, 2000
This is more like it. A few weeks off in the sun and as much Brazilian skirt as a red-blooded bloke can handle. There's supposed to be some football to be played but I don't reckon I'll be sober enough to do much. Bad news: my bloody thong has shrunk in the wash and it's making me look like a bloody walrus balancing on a washing line. I'm still gorgeous compared to those ugly Bruces the Nevilles though. Bludgers.

March 30, 2000
Looks like we're going to win the title again. Easy. All due to my efforts, of course. Not that any of these morons appreciate it. Keep getting stick about my weight. Fair dinkum, but I'm a bloody Aussie - I need to eat flame-grilled meat every day or I'll die. Get used to it, Fergie!

May 15, 2000
Champions again. It's no more than I deserve. Met a bloke called David May today. Haven't a bloody clue who he is. Never seen him before but he's got a shedful of United medals. Told him he wasn't as good as me, then chinned him and made him chunder. That'll teach him. Drongo.

August 4, 2000
Who the hell does that cobber Barthez think he is? I'm number one round here. It says so on my shirt. Oh. I'll fight for my place, failing that I'll run him down in my Ferrari like a Roo in the bush. That'll teach him. Bald b******. I'd slip his Sheila a length though. No worries. Probably fancies me already. I'm a lion in a cage just waiting to pounce. Grrrrr.

January 1, 2001
New Year's resolutions. 1) Stand up to Fergie, 2) Get my place in the side back, 3) Show everyone how great I am, 4) If all else fails go somewhere else and spend the rest of my career bitching about Old Trafford, 5) Convince Yorkie to give us a go on that Jordan - 'we used to share everything at Villa, mate' etc.

January 25, 2001
Am now a Chelsea player. One thing is clear from the start. I'm the best f***in' player at this club. Easy. Things should be a piece of p*** here.

Disclaimer: Dates and entries may not be strictly or even vaguely accurate, due to Mark's having eaten the corners of the diary.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2001

Answers

Brilliant. The best part is that most of it's true.

Love the line "you're about as much use as a fart in a spacesuit"

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2001