Deity Checklist:


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

1. How did you find out about your deity?

> __ Newspaper
> __ Bible
> __ Torah
> __ Television
> __ Book of Mormon
> __ Divine Inspiration
> __ Dead Sea Scrolls
> __ Near Death Experience
> __ Near Life Experience
> __ National Public Radio
> __ Tabloid
> __ Burning Shrubbery
> __ Other (specify):________________


> 2. Which model deity did you acquire?


> __ Jehovah
> __ Jesus
> __ Krishna
> __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
> __ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
> __ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
> __ Allah
> __ Satan
> __ Gaia/MotherEarth/Mother Nature
> __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
> __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)
> __ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god


3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

> __ Yes __ No


> If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. > Please indicate all that apply:

> __ Not Eternal
> __ Finite in Space/Does Not Occupy or Inhabit Entire Cosmos
> __ Not Omniscient
> __ Not Omnipotent
> __ Permits Sex Outside Marriage
> __ Prohibits Sex Outside Marriage
> __ Makes Mistakes
> __ Makes or Permits Bad Things to Happen to Good People
> __ Makes or Permits Good Things to Happen to Bad People
> __ When Beseeched, He Doesn't Stay Beseeched


> 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to aquire a deity? Please > check all that apply:


> __ Indoctrinated by Parents
> __ Needed a Reason to Live
> __ Indoctrinated by Society
> __ Needed Focus in Whom to Despise
> __ Imaginary Friend Grew Up
> __ Hate to Think for Myself
> __ Wanted to Meet Girls/Boys
> __ Fear of Death
> __ Wanted to Piss Off Parents
> __ Needed a Day Away From Work
> __ Desperate Need for Certainty
> __ Like Organ Music
> __ Need to Feel Morally Superior
> __ Thought Jerry Falwell was Cool
> __ Shit was Falling out of the Sky
> __ My Shrubbery Caught Fire and Told Me To Do It


> 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were > you fooled by? Please check all that apply:

> __ Baal
> __ The Almighty Dollar
> __ Left Wing Liberalism
> __ The Radical Right
> __ Beelzebub
> __ Bill Gates
> __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur
> __ The Great Spirit
> __ The Great Pumpkin
> __ The Sun
> __ The Moon
> __ Elvis
> __ Other (specify): ___________________


> 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition > to God? Please check all that apply:

> __ Tarot
> __ Lottery
> __ Astrology
> __ Television
> __ Fortune Cookies
> __ Ann Landers
> __ Psychic Friends Network
> __ Dianetics
> __ Palmistry
> __ Alcohol
> __ Bill Clinton
> __ Amway
> __ CompuServe
> __ Jimmy Swaggert
> __ Wandering Around a Desert
> __ Insurance Policies
> __ Barney T.B.P.D.
> __ Other (specify): ______________


> 7. God attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. > Please rate on the scale of 1-5 His handling of the following > (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

> A. Disasters:
> 1 2 3 4 5 Flood
> 1 2 3 4 5 Famine
> 1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
> 1 2 3 4 5 War
> 1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
> 1 2 3 4 5 Plague
> 1 2 3 4 5 Spam
> 1 2 3 4 5 AOLers
> 1 2 3 4 5 WebTVers


> B. Miracles:
> 1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
> 1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous Remissions
> 1 2 3 4 5 Stars Hovering over Jerkwater Towns
> 1 2 3 4 5 Crying Statues
> 1 2 3 4 5 Water Changing to Wine
> 1 2 3 4 5 Walking on Water
> 1 2 3 4 5 Getting Any Sex Whatsoever


> 8. From time to time, God makes available the names and addresses of His > followers and devotees to selected divine personages who provide quality > services and perform intercessions on His behalf. Are you interested in > a compilation of listed offerings?

> __Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own > mortal soul.




-- kritter (k@a.n), January 24, 2001

Answers

I d-d-don't d-d-dare answer...

-- helen curls in fetal position with eyes firmly shut (no@wa.y), January 25, 2001.

Hmmmmmn.

Have I ever mentioned my own "Misc. Theocratic Law of Evolutionary Theory Of Everything" (MISTLETOE?

See, it combines (and corrects the various flaws in each theory of the cosmos origins) by integrating the Big Bang theory, the Cosmic Plasma Theory, the Steady State Universe Theory, the Near-Steady- State Universe Theory, Superstring Theory, Black Holes, Evolution, Continental Drift, Black Holes (and of course their Wormholes) and Creationism by showing that the Biblical prophets just missed a few decimal places in their exponents........

(Which of course isn't hard to understand since the Arabs and Hindus hadn't invented the zero or decimals places yet. So how else could a bunch of wandering sheepherders in the desert get their dates right when they can't count that high??????? )

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), January 25, 2001.