1.      What are you thinking about?
      2.      Do you love me?
      3.      Do I look fat?
      4.      Do you think she is prettier than me?
      5.      What would you do if I died?
 
      What makes these questions so difficult is that every
      one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if
      the man answers incorrectly (i.e.,tells the truth).
      Therefore, as a public service, each question is
      analyzed  below, along with possible responses.
         _______________________________________________
 
      Question # 1:  What are you thinking about?
      The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry
      if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on
      what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring,
      intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have
      met you."
 
      This response obviously bears no resemblance to the
      true answer, which most likely is one of the
      following:
 
      a.      Baseball.
      b.      Football.
      c.      How fat you are.
      d.      How much prettier she is than you.
      e.      How I would spend the insurance money if you died.
 
      Perhaps the best response to this question was offered
      by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to
      know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you."
         ___________________________________________
 
      Question # 2:  Do you love me?
 
      The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a
      more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."
      Inappropriate responses include:
 
      a.   Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
      b.   Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
      c.   That depends on what you mean by love.
      d.   Does it matter?
      e.   Who, me?
         ____________________________________________________
 
      Question # 3:  Do I look fat?
 
      The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!"
      Among the incorrect answers are:
 
      a.   Compared to what?
      b.   I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
      c.   A little extra weight looks good on you.
      d.   I've seen fatter.
      e.   Could you repeat the question?  I was just
      thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
      if you died.
         ____________________________________________________
 
 
        Question # 4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?
      Once again, the proper response is an emphatic:
      "Of course not!"
      Incorrect responses include:
 
      a.   Yes, but you have a better personality
      b.   Not prettier, but definitely thinner
      c.   Not as pretty as you when you were her age
      d.   Define pretty
      e.   Could you repeat the question?  I was just
      thinking about how I would spend the insurance money
      if you died.
       ____________________________________________________
 
      Question # 5:  What would you do if I died?
 
      A definite no-win question.  (The real answer, of
      course, is "Buy a Corvette and a boat").
      No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at
      least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along
      the these lines:
 
      WOMAN:  Would you get married again?
 
      MAN:    Definitely not!
 
      WOMAN:  Why not-don't you like being married?
 
      MAN:    Of course I do.
 
      WOMAN:  Then why wouldn't you remarry?
 
      MAN:    Okay, I'd get married again.
 
      WOMAN:  You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
 
      MAN: ( makes audible groan )
 
      WOMAN:  Would you sleep with her in our bed?
 
      MAN:    Where else would we sleep?
 
      WOMAN:  Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
 
      MAN:    That would seem like the proper thing to do.
 
      WOMAN:  And would you let her use my golf clubs?
 
      MAN:    She can't use them; she's left-handed.
 
      WOMAN:  - - - silence - - -
 
      MAN:    shit

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

Answers

How about the one I constantly get at home:Do you think Gail Porter is fit?

Erm, yes but that's not the answer she wants to hear.

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

Brilliant Geordie - lol.

That gives me an opportunity to ask this which has puzzled me for a while. I notice in the bookshops recently a spate of books by women slagging men off. "The trouble with men", "How to recognise a b@stard by his star sign", "Everything that men know about women" (full of empty pages - hah bliddy hah) etc etc. There are very few corresponding volumes about women. So what exactly is women's problem with blokes, and if we're so bad why didn't our mothers make a better job of putting us right?

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs? MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - - Classic stuff.

Some good points raised about those books though. Could you imagine the outrage if some bloke released a book called "Why all women are bitches"? I think a woman who has the urge to write a book like that has a serious inferiority complex.

Bit like the Mackems with us then?

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

Your last comment Paul was exactly what I was thinking!

Excellent Geordie - loved it.

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

They forgot Question #6, most feared by men - 'Is it in yet?'
Some good stuff there, but this American email bollocks gets right on my nads. Not a personal slight on you, Geordie, but when these things come around, no-one can be arsed to Anglicise them. Thinking about baseball am I? Planning to buy a Corvette? I think not. And while I'm on the subject, it's theaTRE. And coloUr. And it's a bedside table, not a f**king nightstand. Ooh, don't get me started.

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

Yankophobe Dan, or just Brit Supremicist? ;-{)

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

You mean countries other than the US exist? ;-)))

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

Not according to your dear new Mr President!!

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

Ue knows they exist alright ... he's establishing a missile defense system against THEM. (Always good to have a THEM.)

-- Anonymous, January 23, 2001

That's what you get when the Pred reads too many comics as a child.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Made me chuckle Geordie! (:o)

Loads of serious issues in there, but I don`t think it was meant to be a `discussion` document.

The issue of `anti-men` books is indeed an odd one. I quite agree that a corresponding `anti-female` book would be frowned upon. Books celebrating the differences between the sexes (and I obviously don`t mean the obvious `differences`) are fine. Book even simply comparing the differences, Like Men are from Mars.....` are fair enough too. But all out gender based attacks do smack of insecurity or a personal vendetta.

I also don`t like the current trend in adverts that show men as being stupid, or women being over dominating and agressive. They are no more acceptable than the ads that used to portray women as dumb bimbos, or more recently, large women as unattractive and unsuccessful. There are quite a lot of adverts where if you changed the genders around, there would be a hue and cry! The man in the kitchen doing the washing up wearing only a french maids apron? The one where a truck driver gets beaten up by a woman for hauling a particular brand of larger?

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Sorry Dan..... I'll try harder next time. :-((

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Just re-read my posting and realised how snotty it sounded.

When I said `loads of issues in there, but I don`t think it`s meant to be a discussion document` - I meant that I just enjoyed it for what it was, ie. `humour`. Not that it didn`t warrant discussion, or that it shouldn`t have been posted!!!

Just thought I`d make that clear. (:o)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Just re-read my last posting! Makes me sound a bit paranoid - you do still like me Geordie don`t you? (;o)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Of course we still like you! (paranoid insecure woman!)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Phew!!!(;o)

Oh and BTW......does my bum look..........aw, forget it (I know the answer really!) (:o)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

We've spent a good deal of time amongst ourselves talking about you Galaxy and have decided you're not paranoid. :-)

I'm pleased you agree with me about the books issue. I'm getting extremely fed up with the attacks on the male in all media in recent years. I find it as gross as racism.

All newspapers seem to have a Woman's Page and R4 has "Woman's Hour". There is no corresponding male section in a paper or programs specifically directed at men. In these forums comments are made about men which are terribly stereotypical and if you were to substitute the words "black people" instead of "men" the comments would be illegal.

I'm of the view that a great many women don't go along with this rubbish (so I'm pleased to read your comments) but the constant tide of such stuff is bound to have an effect on both women and men, IMHO.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Totally agree Jonno. There are many, many other issues which could also come into this sort of discussion. The trouble is the media generally homes in on the extreme points of view, or an author seeks to make a fast buck by exploiting a subject. I guess to an extent that is understandable, the middle line is never going to be so exciting, but normal reasonably well adjusted adults can see that these are extremes and understand the danger in deliberately polarising views on important issues. Not so the emerging `next generation`. Constantly bombarded by extreme opinions and forced into facing `adult` issues before they are fully equiped to do so, they begin to accept the `extreme` as almost a baseline opinion. I actually think advertising is particularly dangerous, because it is so subliminal.

Magazines aimed at young teenage girls are another hobbyhorse of mine. By the time 10 to twelve yearold girls have had a few issues of Cosmopolitan passed round the playground, they will be convinced that they are deficient if, by the age of 13 they aren`t as thin as Victoria Spice, sexually agressive, enjoying multiple orgasms, are bedecked in designer labels, and haven`t made any attempt at becoming bi-sexal, tattoed or pierced!

To be honest, there is nothing at all wrong with the magazines themselves, read by older teenagers, the `tongue in cheek`, nature of a lot of the articles, or the extremeness of them, will be apparent and they can be enjoyed for what they are. But it is the duplicitousness of the marketing that I find so offensive. The people who produce these magazines quote seventeen plus as their target consumers, but know full well that their actual market is well below that age group.

Oops.....I`m ranting - sorry! But those of you who have brought up children will know how difficult it can be to conteract, or should I say counterbalance, these influences.(:o)

I`d like to say that I am a reasonable person, and that anyone is entitled to their opinion and, however extreme, it is just as valid as mine. But in truth I don`t really feel like that. So many good causes have been hijacked and brought into disrepute by extremism. People who believe in promoting a good balanced cultural/ethnic mix in society have had to watch all their efforts nullified by black and white extremists. Animal welfare organisations have been brought into disrepute by the extreme actions of organisations such as the Animal Liberation Front.

And now I`ve gotten off the original subject.....and am still ranting!!! Best I go get out my bottle of Fairy Liquid and sigh happily at how soft my hands are, or beam radiantly at how `white` good old Persil has gotten my hubbies shirts!!! If I`m really lucky Pete will come home tonight and prove just how clever and `new man` he is by cleaning his own shower with Jif, and I`ll be so pleased he`ll smile smuggly and think he is on a promise.......and I`ll turn round and do that New Zealand oomalaka rugby type thing, knock back a bottle of larger, jump in his car and drive at tyre melting speed to the local nightclub with my CAT!!!!! Grrrrrrr. (:o!

I`ve stopped now.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

That's the best rant I've read in ages Galaxy. Crying with laughter :-)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

that'll be the 'haka' then Gal? ;)) I'd like to see the players line up in front of the opposition at SJP singing 'Blaydon Races' or 'Magpie Ranger' mind...

Actually, a mate of mine is the editor of one of those magazines you're taking issue with so i'll forward your comments if you like. She'll be thrilled. ; - ))

It's a bit of a chicken/egg type question. Do magazines reflect the world we live in or do they directly influence it? Discuss. ;))

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

But Softie, I was being serious! (;o)

Min - you know an editor? That`s fine - feel free to pass on my comments - but don`t tell her where I live! (;o)

Cor - big subject for discussion that.....housework first, and then I will reply. But just quickly, I would come down on the side of `the magazines reflect the world we live in`. Not a happy though eh? (:o|

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

No time for Victim Feminism. More interested in what the likes of Naomi Woolfe have to say. More women that men, got the vote, no excuses. Simple fact is that the reason there is no great Wimmin Struggle is that women are as diverse in their opinions as a group as men are. The way this crap gets put out you'd think all men thought exactly the same way about everything and I can name 50 major conflicts without scratching my head that suggest otherwise. Thankfully Andrea Dworkin and her dungarees-and-crewcut-lesbians-only commune doesn't have any relevance or attraction to the vast majority of people. The fact that the Radical Feminists have an ethos based entirely on irrefutable logic doesn't stop it from being a load of old nads.

Incidentally, whoever convinced women that gaining equality meant sleeping around and wearing as little as possible probably doesn't need to sit down to have a wee...

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

!!!!!!!!!NEWS FLASH!!!!!!!!

Reports are coming in of a vicious and callous attack on the home of one Mrs. Hyacinth Woodhouse currently residing the hamlet of Fumblebuck. A distraught Mrs. Woodhouse described how she found that her house had been broken into on returning from her weekly `organic` shopping trip to Sainsburys.

Close to tears she reported that her freshy starched Laura Ashley net curtains had been cruelly ripped from her windows and the house ransacked. Several items have been stolen, including 25 years worth of `Good Housekeeping` magazines and a priceless first edition of `Dr.Spock`s How to Bring up Children`. In an obvious attempt to cause as much mental anguish as possible, the perpetrators had systematically removed the tops off all the tubes of toothpaste in the house, put all seats up on the toilets and drunk tea in her house without bothering to use matching saucers. `Worst of all` said Mrs. Woodhouse `they have tuned my radio from Radio 4 to Radio One. I feel violated.`

Mrs. Woodhouse has been offered trauma counselling.

A group calling themselves the `Liberation from Childhood Front` has claimed responsibility for the attack. This is a new organisation, but it is believed to have affiliations with the `Ban Bunty for Girls` group.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Oh great. I've already got the crewcut (kind of) and I think I must be lesbian cos I fancy women, so I'll just go and get me dungarees then.

'Radical' and 'thinking' as types of feminism are about how you set about trying to change something, not about the fundamental problem - which is I believe still about stereotyping and institutionalised bias. First base is agreeing to admit that - all too rare in my view.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

I'm shocked! My local chapter of the Men's Institute will have a tea morning and jumble drive to raise money to buy some emergency doilies to get you through this difficult time.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Oooh, you rotten bull! It takes guts to come out you know...

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Tee hee! That was supposed to be in response to Galaxy, but if the black leather cap with chains fits... ;-)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Oh damn, I must have posted prematurely again. Look, this hardly ever happens, honestly. Normally I think about remembering the five league teams with the letter 'x' in their name and I can hang on a bit longer. But it's just so exciting doing this at lunchtime that I got carried away. Maybe I should have used that cap you refer to.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Tee hee hee!!! Ooh don`t you feel better after a good laugh! (:o)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

How man Geordie, I said I wasn't having a pop! :@)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2001

Having come to this Wheel-tappers, Shunters & Gay Liberation thread belatedly - I just want to say quite openly how good it was for me. I do hope it was good for you too.
Now, must get back to scrubbing the front step.

LOL. Top thread gang - back to your creative best.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2001

Great thread - I guess you got more than you bargained for there Geordie. :-)

It's my fault I suppose for sneaking in that Trojan horse about the numbers of anti male books in my local Waterstones. I had thought of starting an individual thread on the issue but the threat of receiving unexploded doilies through my letterbox made me think twice.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2001

A simple joke... that's all ....

;-<>

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2001