Yet another joke thread

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Children Will Try Anything

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've Learned From My Children...(Honest and No Kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), January 19, 2001

Answers

Pat, you MADE my Friday.

Oh and teenagers never know when the basement has water backed up even though when walking on their carpet, it squishes!!!

Thats a $2,000 lesson I learned. Damn Kid.

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), January 19, 2001.


Do not leave a four year old unattended with his own hammer near basement windows. All of them.

-- KoFE (your@town.USA), January 19, 2001.

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), January 19, 2001.


A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?" To which the blonde replies... "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly states..."No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blond to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."

Well... a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde...he looks out over his office and sees the blonde hysterically crying!!!!!

He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now... are you gonna be okay??"

"No..." exclaims the blonde, "I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that her mom died too!!"

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), January 19, 2001.


Patricia, that is classic!

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), January 19, 2001.


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