1. Lizard aliens are among us, masquerading as humans. Soon they will stage a fake second coming.

2. Any day now, just you wait, Bill Clinton will declare "marshall" [sic] law and declare himself "President for Life".

3. The Federal Government is poisoning its people with chemtrails, vaccinations, and television in a fiendish plot to deprive its people of their guns and teach their children that the earth is not flat.

4. JFK will come back as the Anti-Christ. Presumably he's actually a demon rather than a lizard alien masquerading as a human being.

5. Vaccinations are bad for you (see 3) but electrified silver water is good for you.

6. The UN and the Illuminati (presumably funded by the lizard aliens masquerading as humans) are developing a plot to take over the United States in order to turn 50% of our nation into protected wilderness. These wilderness areas will be dotted with concentration camps for right-wing, gun-toting Christians where they will be forced to make educational videos on how to teach your children to confiscate guns.

7. There are seven circles in Hell, and Lars is the lead demon of sexual perversion.

8. The only true patriots these days are those who seek to seceed from the United States.

9. Russia, the same country that can't feed its people or outfit its military, will invade the US any day now. Unless the Mexicans do it first.

10. Bill Clinton is inhabited by a demon. Presumably one sent by Lars.

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), January 18, 2001

Answers

"9. Russia, the same country that can't feed its people or outfit its military, will invade the US any day now. Unless the Mexicans do it first."

Where have you been lately? If we just round up all the illegals that have crossed over our southern borders in the last couple of years, there would probably be no power crisis in California. The invasion has been going on for some time. It just hasn't involved military action.

-- Border Guy (better@learn.Espanol), January 18, 2001.

"Lars"?!?! Our "Lars"?!?! Say it ain't so...........

(When I want Comic Relief, I just wait for someone to post a synapsis from that board. Thanks, Tarzan; I needed that.)

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), January 18, 2001.

Tarzan,

Lololol!!!

This all sounds factual to me, with the exception of #7 7. There are seven circles in Hell, and Lars is the lead demon of sexual perversion.

There are 9 circles in hell. I think circle 3 (or 4) is for sexual perversion and I'm pretty sure that Lars isn't the lead demon--unless he's been doing something with Cleopatra (sp?) (or Marc Antony)that *we* don't know about! Well Lars? Have you?

Mar. ;-)

-- Not now, not like this! (AgentSmith0110@aol.com), January 18, 2001.

I got #7 from a post made by Abby, who said Lars is in charge of level #2. Yes, she was dead serious.

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), January 18, 2001.

Tarzan,

Oops, I made a mistake Circle 2 is:

Circle Two: (Hell Proper Begins)

"The Carnal"

-In the 2nd Circle are punished those who sinned by excess of sexual passion.

-Since this is the most natural sin and the sin most nearly associated with love, its punishment is the lightest of all to be found in "Hell Proper."

-The Carnal are whirled and buffeted endlessly through murky air (because their reason was clouded by their passion) by a great gale (symbolic of their lust).

So Lars doesn't have it too bad afterall. ;-)

Me? I'm thinking I'll end up on some level of circle 8--damn!

Mar. ;-)

-- Not now, not like this! (AgentSmith0110@aol.com), January 18, 2001.

Mar-

You got that from The Divine Comedy, right? Abby's map of Hell didn't sound much like Dante's version, except in the over all concept of divisions of hell with a demon over each. In the Inferno, the lowest section of Hell was reserved for traitors, while in Abby's version it was for Christian gossipers. I believe she said that her description of Hell came from a group of witches. Why witches would be worried about Hell is beyond me. Of course, I also can't fathom why a Christian would be more worried about mapping Hell than Heaven and why they would take someone else's word for it anyway. Shouldn't the Biblical description be enough?

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), January 18, 2001.

Tarzan,

Yep, it’s from The Divine Comedy. I didn’t realize that "Abby" had her own personalized Witches Map Of Hell wherein "gossip" is the most hateful of all sins (huh?…go figure…grin). Besides, like you say, why would witches be concerned about hell? Isn’t that sort of their whole point? Conjuring up Satan and all that eye-of-newt stuff (lol). Maybe "Abby’s" Hell is a *good* place to be?

The biblical description of Hell I’m not familiar with (are you?) even though I spent 12 years in Catholic school (oops ;-)! From what I’ve heard throughout the years "repetition" is Hell. (Which is in most of Dante’s descriptions and would scare the hell out of me, if I believed in hell and I don’t…, errr, well not really, aw nutz, if there is then I know I’m going there, I’m just not sure "why" … yet ;-)

Mar.

-- Not now, not like this (AgentSmith0110@aol.com), January 18, 2001.

I'm not religious, and never have been, but I've been fascinated by religion and religious beliefs for a long time. The Biblical version of Hell amounts to hot, dark, and dreadful. There's some other details I'm leaving out, but that's what it boils down to. Dante Alligheri gave an incredibly lush, detail description of Hell, Purgatory, and Heaven in the Divine Comedy, but it's Hell that we seem to have latched onto. No one even remembers what Heaven is suppsoed to be like. I don't even recall it that clearly. I guess people like to be frightened.

I do remember reading some early Calvinist descriptions of Hell that described it as a place where such devilish activities take place as drinking, debauchery, acting, music, and obscene art and jokes. They described Heaven as a place of austere beauty where none of those things happen. Ever. It certainly read like an unintentional endorsement of Hell to me!

Lately it's become fashionable to describe Hell as the abscene of God, since the idea of wild punishment forever for such banal sins as, say, talking back to your mother seems a bit ridiculous. Personally, I'd rather be seperated from any diety that demands worship on pain of eternal torture. That sure doesn't sound like a nice god to me.

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), January 18, 2001.

Tarzan, it's not physical torture. It's worse. The permanence of it is horrifying.

-- been there, done that (no@no.no), January 18, 2001.

Do you think Lars would give tours of his section of hell? I'm picturing his "minions" as looking/acting like Tracy Lords.

-- Bemused (and_amazed@you.people), January 18, 2001.

Yes it is true. I have been outed. Orgy every Sat night at 8:00 at my house. Bring velvet whips. Devil's food cake for all.

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), January 18, 2001.

Tarzan,

"Personally, I'd rather be seperated from any diety that demands worship on pain of eternal torture."

On that I agree!

Mar.

PS: I have Dante's "Purgatory" (sp?) and "Paradise" (got them for Christmas) and will let you know what Dante's idea of Paradise is when I finish reading it. I'm very interested to know what his idea of it is. Me? I can't fathom it.

Lars: Ah-Ha! So it is *you* ;-)

-- Not now, not like this (AgentSmith0110@aol.com), January 18, 2001.

Larscivious.

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), January 18, 2001.

Yeah; some of them do seem to believe this stuff. Still, I get the impression that a few of the newer additions are just yanking their chain. *<)))

I'm sure that you can identify those people.

Best Wishes,,,,

Z

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), January 18, 2001.

"Great minds discuss ideas, mediocre minds discuss events and you little tiny minds discuss people."

-- Who (s@id.that?), January 19, 2001.

"and people with no minds discuss DOOM!"

-- bwahahaa (end of the world @ coming. soon), January 19, 2001.

It's not the "doom discussions" that is the problem there. It's that they can FIND DOOM in virtually everything (and they do -- consistently). Just a little twist here, and a reach there, toss in a bit of conspiracy ('cause you know that THEY really ARE out to get US), and voila! You have Doom. Or at least, Impending Doom.

So you can sit there and spout about "small minds" all you want; the truly "small minds" are those which live in a constant state of fear; seeing doom at every turn, under every rock, hidden in every news story (and have you checked their "sources"?!). The truly "small minds" blame EVERYONE ELSE for their lot in life, especially those who happen to have a different take on life than "the Party Line" that is pretty much the basis for that board.

That's not living; that's cowering in a corner in FEAR of living.

(And remember, in order that they maintain their "status quo", they had to outright BAN people from posting there. How secure in their belief system can they really be?)

If you can't see the humor in stating categorically that Lars (OUR Lars) "is the lead demon of sexual perversion", or the great disconnect and leaps of faith it takes to believe in any of the items pointed out by Tarzan, well.....who's got the "small mind"?

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), January 19, 2001.

Actually, I don't think they meant our Lars, but a demon with the name of Lars. I just thought it was hilarious that the demon of sexual perversion had the name of Lars (and not something more flamboyant like, say, Orgazmo or something like that). The fact that it was the same name as our own mild-mannered Larsguy, well, that was just icing on the cake.

Other than that, right on with your post!

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), January 19, 2001.

(Color me dunce. I honestly thought they meant OUR "mild-mannered Larsguy".)

(Second-best laugh of the morning. I'll post the other one later.)

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), January 19, 2001.

An accessory to homicide of innocent unborn children calling anyone sleazy is a bit hypocritical, doncha think?

-- KoFE (your@town.USA), January 20, 2001.

Now I am PISSED! ROYALLY PISSED!!!

I have invested a lot of time, energy, and money in becoming the lead demon of sexual perversion, and now I read that the award goes to Lars.

Goddamnit!

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), January 20, 2001.

Hmmmm... enabling women to exercise control over their own bodies is sleazy, but telling people how to break the law and avoid public debts is honourable? Sounds like someone's living in a morality-free zone.

-- People judge you by (thecompany@you.keep), January 20, 2001.