> >NEW SLANG DICTIONARY, 2001 >Aussie Kiss: >Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under. >Beer Coat: >The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home >after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning. >Beer Compass: >The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival >home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to >remember where you live, how you get there, and where you've come from. >Bone of Contention: >A hard-on that causes an argument. e.g. one that arises when a man >is watching Olympic beach volleyball on TV with his girlfriend. >Breaking the Seal: >Your 1st piss in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After >breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will >be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night. >Cider Visor: >Beer Goggles for the young drinker. >Cliterature: >1-handed reading material. >Cock-A-Doodle-Poo: >The bowel movement that, needing to come out urgently, wakes you up in the >morning to get to the toilet quick. >Etch-A-Sketch: >Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her nipples >simultaneously. >Fizzy Gravy: >or Rusty Water. Diarrhoea. >Flogging On: >Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites >Free the Tadpoles: >Liberate the residents of Wank Tanks. >Frigmarole >Unnecessarily time-consuming foreplay. >FuckShitFuckShitFuckShit: >The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high a speed. >Going For a McShit: >Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, >you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, >your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a >McShit With Lies >Greyhound: >A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare. >Hand-to-Gland Combat >A vigorous masturbation session. >Hefty Cleft: >or Horse's Collar, or Welly Top. >Description of a very large vagina. >Millennium Domes: >The contents of a Wonderbra. i.e. extremely impressive when viewed >from the outside, but there's actually fuck-all in there worth seeing. >Mystery Bus: >The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while >you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the >unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you >come back in. >10-Pinter: >Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints. >NBR: >No Beers Required. Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. >The opposite of a 10-Pinter. >Picasso Arse: >A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 >buttocks. >Starfish Trooper: or Arsetronaut. >A homosexual. >2-Bagger: >Someone that you'd need 2 paper bags to have sex with. >(1 to cover >their head, and 1 to cover yours, in case their bag >falls off.) >Titanic: >A lady who goes down first time out. >Todger Dodger: >A lesbian. >X-Piles: >Unwanted visitors from Uranus. > > > > > >

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-- Anonymous, January 15, 2001

Answers

But without Gav's fantastic formatting ;)))

-- Anonymous, January 15, 2001

A hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of night-caps.

One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding night and I was wondering how many times are we expected to...um... you know....do it!"

The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve into a conversation about whether the usual once is enough, or should they go for twice, as its a special occasion!

Anyway they decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea that over breakfast they'll discuss what went on.

Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, "Hold on fellas we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our wives sat with us." "No you're right, what we'll do then, for every piece of toast you order with your breakfast, that's how many times you did it" offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel breakfast parlour they're all looking a bit dishevelled and the wives have the hairstyle known as the 'Just Shagged Look'.

The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Yes I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please".

The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his prowess.

The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I shall also have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast".

The other two grooms turn making pistols from their fingers and shoot the FOUR shooter groom.

The waitress gets to the last groom "I TOO shall have the FULL English breakfast please, yet I shall have," he takes a deep breath and surveys the room, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him rubbing their privates thinking how raw their friend must be.

"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress "why that's an awful lot".

"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his order then turns away, but before she leaves the seven times a night groom calls after her again.

"And by the way love, make two of them brown!!!".



-- Anonymous, January 15, 2001

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement, crouched in the corner, facing the wall, and sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember, so what?"

"I would have been released today."



-- Anonymous, January 16, 2001

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious.  She yells at him, "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . ."

The man sighs and says, "It's started . . "



-- Anonymous, January 16, 2001