QUOTES OF THE YEAR - sorry if these have been posted before; I do tend to get stuff like this eons after all others do .....

"What the f**k is art? A picture of a bottle of sour milk lying next to a smelly old jumper? What the f**k is all that about?" John Gregory

Away from home our fans are fantastic, I'd call them the hardcore fans. But at home they have a few drinks and probably the prawn sandwiches, and they don't realise what's going on out on the pitch." Roy Keane

"We have people coming here to admire the scenery and enjoy their crisps." Sir Alex Ferguson on Manchester United fans

"People say footballers have terrible taste in music but I would dispute that. In the car at the moment I've got The Corrs, Cher, Phil Collins, Shania Twain and Rod Stewart." Andy Gray

"I hate to admit this but I don't even know how to make a cup of tea or coffee. I can boil a kettle for a pot noodle and I've been known to warm up some food in the microwave." Michael Owen

"I would like to have Brooklyn christened but I'm not sure which religion yet." David Beckham

"For Burnley to win they are going to have to score." Chris Kamara

"He will be called Ronald, because we like going to McDonald's." Ronaldo on his baby

"It is necessary to wear the sandals of humility and not let the win over Manchester United go to our heads." Vasco Da Gama coach Antonio Lopes

”Young Gareth Barry, y'know, he's young." Kevin Keegan

"Red blood flows through Dyke's veins." Mihir Bose of the Daily Telegraph, describing the extent of the BBC director general's devotion to ManYoo

"Very few of us have any idea whatsoever of what life is like living in a goldfish bowl - except, of course, for those of us who are goldfish." Graham Taylor

"Bryan Robson has been a victim of his own success." Middlesbrough chief executive Keith Lamb

"This is deja vu all over again." Sky Sports Spanish football commentator

"Ken Bates is a football cretin." Martin O'Neill

"Francis Jeffers is a disgusting, dirty little t**t." Sander Westerveld

"There will have to be a bubonic plague for me to pick Di Canio." Italy coach Giovanni Trapattoni

"I'd like to be a dog. Dogs are nice. They can sleep any time, they wag their tails and on top of that they can get stroked all the time." Emmanuel Petit

"West Ham can take it or leave it. Our £15m bid for Rio Ferdinand already constitutes a world record for a defender and is a measured valuation. There will be no more." Leeds chairman Peter Ridsdale, less than a week after upping his final offer by £3million

"I am a Nigerian and I will remain a Nigerian until the day I die." Kanu

"The Fat Wombats." Contestant on Australian version of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, asked to name Aussie women's soccer team The Matildas

"Against France we'll have to be at our best both technically, tactically and spirit-wise." Kevin Keegan

"It was with a homosexual, I was barely 14 years old. But let's be fair, I wasn't the only one who did it. He was a man in Bauru that all our team visited." Pele on losing his virginity

"It was the first serious relationship I had after separating from my wife Rose. Xuxa was 15, still a virgin and had a boyfriend who she fought with. Xuxa's father gave me permission to go out with her. I didn't like virgins so I told her to sort her 'problem' with her boyfriend. Then, after a little while, we became 'friends' and started going out frequently." Pele again

"We gained more from the game than they did... except they got the points." Brian Little

"I would not sign for another club, not even if I was offered 15 million dollars. However, it would be different if they were to instead offer me 15 different women from all around the world. I would tell the club chairman: 'Please let me make these women happy - I will satisfy them like they have never been satisfied before'." Sasa Curcic

"There is a world of difference between football and sex - no question about that. I can't achieve an orgasm by looking at a team-mate, but it would be a totally different matter with Cindy Crawford." Sasa Curcic

"Wendy Toms has never been taken from behind by a 14-stone centre half." Joe Royle

"When he was dribbling, he used to go through a minefield with his arm, a bit like you go through a supermarket." Bobby Robson on Gazza

"Argentina won't be at Euro 2000 because they're from South America." Kevin Keegan

"I'm an emotional person and I enjoy crying. You know the film Beaches with Bette Midler and Barbara Hershey? Sometimes, when I want a good cry I put it on." Sensitive Ian Wright

"They should leave David Beckham alone - he's a great striker." Zoe Ball

"Argentina are the second best team in the world, and there's no higher praise than that." Kevin Keegan

"Is Dreamcast the name of the team?" Prince Philip's reaction to seeing an Arsenal shirt complete with sponsor's logo, during a trip to Highbury "When he sees my boobs he likes to come out with the Austin Powers line 'Machine gun jubblies - how did I miss those?' He also goes: 'I put the grrr in swingerrr. Yeah baby!'" Actress Emily Symons on boyfriend Matt Le Tissier

"Alessandro del Piero reminds me of Robert Rosario when I had him at Coventry." Bobby Gould

“He's a water carrier, a hard worker, a bit of a dog... a ferret." David Pleat on Didier Deschamps

"He used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted." Gordon Strachan on Sir Alex Ferguson

"I now have a farm in Lanark. I've got two pygmy goats - Gin and Tonic." Andy Goram

"If I were Marcello Lippi, people would have had more faith in me." John Barnes "Working with people on a field turns me on." Graeme Souness

"I got the Shania Twain album for Christmas, but my new tip is Gabrielle. I'm a bit of a weenybopper, really." Trevor Brooking

"I'm not going to look beyond the semi-final - but I would love to lead Newcastle out at the final." Bobby Robson

"When I lived in rural Oxfordshire, I was walking home across a field when I stroked a cow. The damn thing butted me in the orchestras." Mark Lawrenson

"I do go to football sometimes but I don't know the offside rule or free-kicks - or side kicks - or whatever they're called." Victoria Beckham

"Real Madrid are like a rabbit dazed in the headlights of a car, except this rabbit has a suit of armour, in the shape of two precious away goals." RTE Commentator George Hamilton

"Welcome to the Nou Camp stadium in Barcelona that is packed to capacity... with some patches of seats left empty." George Hamilton

"Dennis Wise, Vinnie Jones and John Fashanu must be turning in their graves." Carlton Palmer

"I've seen some players with very big feet... and some with very small feet." David Pleat

"David's most annoying habit is that he picks his toes with one of those long prong things from Boots." Victoria Beckham

"If there's one thing Gus Uhlenbeek's got, it's pace and determination." Ray Houghton "I've seen all the other Euro 2000 teams on video and no coach has as many good players as I do." A pre-tournament Kevin Keegan

"I was inbred into the game by my father." David Pleat

"I'm not a person who goes into a deep depression after a defeat. I try to remain reasonably upbeat. I'm realistic enough to know that results of football matches are often unpredictable and, when all is said and done, things don't always work out as one would wish!" Kevin Keegan, writing in the England v Germany programme

"Zinedine Zidane could be a champion sumo wrestler. He can run like a crab or a gazelle." Howard Wilkinson

"There's still 45 minutes to go - for both sides, I would guess." Brian Marwood

"Players who have more great games than other players are the great players." - Graeme Souness

"It should be a good match because they're a good football team as well and we're a good football team. It should be a very good match." – Peter Taylor

"If Plan A fails, they could always revert to Plan A." Mark Lawrenson

"We started poorly, we finished poorly and we were poor in the middle. Even when we were 1-0 up after five minutes I knew it was a disaster waiting to happen." Bournemouth player/coach Peter Grant

"It's his first cap, so he's not got a lot of experience at this level." Brian Marwood

"Unconsciously, I fell in love with the small round sphere with its amusing and capricious rebounds which sometimes play with me." Fabien Barthez

"Achilles tendon injuries are a pain in the butt." David O'Leary

"I certainly wouldn't put money on myself. Working as a national manager is out of the question." Sven-Goran Eriksson, six days before accepting the England job

"If you'd been at school, he would have been the boy who ate worms." Neil Ruddock on Stan Collymore

"I usually don't have sex. Not on the same day. I say no thanks. I guess that, mentally, I want to keep the feeling in my feet and that's why. I think the feeling sort of disappears out of your feet if you have sex before. I have tried before and my feet felt like concrete when you are supposed to kick the ball." Freddie Ljungberg

"Veggard Heggem, my word, he must have a Yamaha down his shorts." Terry Butcher

"I was a bit anxious when I got to the stadium, but in all fairness if hadn't been anxious I'd have been worried." Leeds' Paul Robinson

"I like the comfort of jeans, and the elegance of a suit. But above all, I love the sensuality and sexuality that emanates from leather. It multiplies one's sensations tenfold." Emmanuel Petit

"England are numerically outnumbered in the midfield." Mark Lawrenson

"It's real end-to-end stuff... but unfortunately it's all up at Forest's end." Chris Kamara

"We were in an awkward position against Yugoslavia, in that in order to win we needed to score more goals then they did." Spanish coach Jose Antonio Camacho

"The reason we went out of Euro 2000 wasn't anything to do with what happened in the last minute against Romania." Gary Neville

"The fans might have envisaged a long string of away defeats strung together like a pearl necklace but we have shown that will not be the case." Manchester City chairman David Bernstein

"When we go out in the evening I like to go for it. I love the traditional English gentleman look with cuff-links, highly-polished shoes and even a money clip." David Seaman

"I have doubts about his mentality. I don't think he's a thousand percent mentally." Eamonn Dunphy

"It was as if ... (long pause) ... the palm of Xavier's hand deflected the ball away. And that's what I call hand ball." Garth Crooks

"This game is, I think, what my children would describe as 'pants'." Gary Lineker

"I haven't got a clue about the exact number of women I had - four or five maybe. But I regret it deeply." Kieron Dyer on his eventful holiday in Ayia Napa

"I like to breed players that attack people." David O'Leary

"The Northampton striker went through the Stoke defence like a combine harvester on summer holiday." Sky Sports' Brian Beard

"Don't get the idea I'm an Indian devotee but they taught their children how to listen - they had to hear the wind, the trees and the earth talk. You can hear the earth, you know." Former German coach-in-waiting Christoph Daum, who later failed a drug test

"The players literally only have to fall out of their beds to be on the training pitch." Dunfermline manager Jimmy Calderwood

"If you buy a man who is half-dead, everybody may be happy off the field, but on the field you'll have major problems." Arsene Wenger

"It can't be Sunday every day. There are also Mondays and Tuesdays." George Weah

"He walks around the kitchen going 'I'm a gay icon, they love me.' The thing is with David is that he doesn't care. He'll go out in his skirt and his bandana and he doesn't care what people say." Victoria Beckham

"Northampton is a massive club." Goalkeeper Adam Sollitt

-- Anonymous, January 12, 2001

Answers

Excellent! Thank f*** Petit has left this country.

-- Anonymous, January 12, 2001