Continuing the southern humor...

Notes from an inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a JUDGE at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the JUDGE'S table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two JUDGEs (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all the spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the score cards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick JUDGE TWO: Nice smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put thermals out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork, slight jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent fire house chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit faced.

Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT, just like the nuclear waste I'm eating.

Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other JUDGE's asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about JUDGE #3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a fucking grenade in my mouth, pull the fucking pin and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my fucking mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my goddamn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Fuck it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the fucking 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bad but spicy enough to declare its existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JUDGE #3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank. NOTE: JUDGE #3 was unable to report....

(snicker, snicker, WEEZE!, snicker, snicker)

rollin' on the floor...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), January 12, 2001

Answers

Dog gone funny as hell. I was laughing so hard my co-worker was looking at me. Printed it for the boss.

From the drano nose to the slut sally I am laughing so damn hard my eyes are watering.

I'll just suck air thru the 4 inch hole in my stomach. ROFLAMO.

Wipe the ass w/a snow cone......oh stop,,,,my sides are hurting.

Bad DOG......

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), January 12, 2001.

Yo DOG!!!

That is, without a doubt, one of the funniest pieces of literature I have ever read in my life. I literally have tears running down my cheeks!!!

Excellent way to end the week!! Damn, THAT WAS FUNNY!!!!!

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 12, 2001.

No matter how many times I read that, the tears are just rolling down my face..... :-)

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), January 12, 2001.

I have to agree Dog, that was funny as H@ll.

Frank

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), January 12, 2001.

To the Top, this is too funny to let go of...

Still LMAO.

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), January 15, 2001.