'Pick a Hand'

The party had been very entertaining and now it was Paddy's turn to do a magic trick. He stretched his arms forward, thumbs up, and said to the person opposite: "Pick a thumb, any thumb at all will do."

The volunteer made his choice and Paddy quickly whipped his arms behind himself and fumbled for a moment. Then, holding his clenched fists forward he said: "Okay, okay. Which hand is it in?"

__________ 'Sandbox'

First grade class came in from recess.

The teacher asked Alice: "What did you do at recess?" Alice: "I played in the sand box." Teacher: "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh-baked cookie." She does and gets a cookie.

The teacher asked Billy what he did at recess. Billy: "I played with Alice in sand box." Teacher: "Good. If you write 'Box' correctly on blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie." Billy does, and gets a cookie.

The teacher then asked Mustaffa Machmoud what he did at recess. He said, "I tried to play with Alice and Billy, but they threw rocks at me." Teacher: "Threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' I'll give you a cookie."

__________ 'Penny Wise'

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama went to a local newspaper office to see about publishing the obituary for her recently deceased husband. The obit editor informed her that the fee for an obituary is 50 cents a word.

She paused, reflected for a moment, then said, "Well, then let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor said, "Sorry, ma'am, there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries."

Only a little flustered, she thought things over for a few seconds then said, "In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1983 pickup for sale'."

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2000

Answers

Come here there's more!

'A comment on youth..' In 1991, Frank Layden, the Utah Jazz president, recounted words he had with a former player:

"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'

He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

__________ 'Well, paint me red and slap me silly...'

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?"

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter."

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you're done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth."

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked.

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes!"

__________ 'Insane!!!'

Two patients and a nurse were sitting on the lawn of the mental institution when a rather large bird flew over and let go with a very large, messy deposit which landed on one of the patient's bald head.

The nurse, concerned that this would throw the patients into a fit, exclaimed loudly, "Now, Melvin, you just stay right here and don't get upset........I'm gonna run and get some bathroom tissues and I'll be right back!"

Melvin sat perfectly still, but finally he held his head very level, turned to the other patient, rolled his eyes in the direction of the departed nurse, and said, "You know, I do believe that nurse has gone crazy... that bird will be fifty miles from here by the time she gets back with that toilet paper!"

-- Anonymous, December 21, 2000