A little Tuesday humor

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I don't know how it is for others (similar, I expect), but for me, this time of year always initiates a sense of reflection -- on the past year, on previous years ..... and then the realization that there are SO MANY of those "previous years" on which to reflect.

I received this from a "friend" (we'll discuss THAT another time), and felt an overwhelming need to share it with you.

You're welcome :-)

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Mid-life blues for women

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans ... we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless in film.

You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department.

Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. (It's more like "Splat!")

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves ... and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life ... jiggLY, yes; jiggy, no.

Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here ... how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), December 19, 2000

Answers

You can always buy these...



-- Uncle Bob (unclb0b@aol.com), December 19, 2000.


Uncle Bob has obviously not paid attention to Patricia's post...those things on a mid-life woman will be far nearer to the floor than they are on the model. It's unlikely they'll be on the same horizontal line either. Hell, now I think about it, they won't even be on the same vertical plane. Or on a jet plane going to a ski resort either. Shit, they'll look like tree stumps on a ski slope anyway.

-- helen avoids mirrors (b@r.f), December 19, 2000.

Helen,

Wonder what a man's expression would be if a young lady (for lack of a better term for someone that would actually wear those things) was going around supporting no bra with her own headlights on high-beams, and actually had another of the fake ones on. Think she would get a few extra looks?

-- (Sheeple@Greener.Pastures), December 19, 2000.


Sheeple, I believe that would depend on the application procedure. Certainly she would get double-takes if she applied them anywhere other than on top of her own.

-- helen never looks into dark water (b@r.f), December 19, 2000.

FWIW, the ill-fated wife of Henry VIII, Anne Boleyn, apparently had three nipples. Yet another astounding piece of trivia we should all keep handy in case we need to use it in an emergency.

-- Brian McLaughlin (brianm@ims.com), December 19, 2000.


Helen,

I meant NOT in the exact location. How about say... to the side?

-- (Sheeple@Greener.Pastures), December 19, 2000.


Sheeple, how about putting them in vertical rows in order to give the impression of a hog?

-- helen (b@r.f), December 19, 2000.

Helen,

Good one. Also for the T&A men, how about putting some in a design on each bun? That way, they could have the best of both worlds all at once. LOL

-- (Sheeple@Greener.Pastures), December 19, 2000.


Forehead works for me...

-- Uncle Bob (unclb0b@aol.com), December 19, 2000.

'sumer, the fake "headlights" reminded me of a science fiction story about an undercover agent from another time or planet or universe or something. She/it (say that quickly) carefully studied the human female form as revealed by the fashion of the day in order to seduce and influence a certain human male. She failed miserably. The man ran screaming away. The fashion of the time required bustles. :)

-- helen (b@r.f), December 20, 2000.


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