In the new atmos of Happy Bobby, I thought I'd give us all an opportunity to laugh at those less smart-arsed than the rest of us.

This Morning, ITV
Judy Finnegan: How many wheels does a unicycle have?
Contestant: Two.

Judy: How many minutes are there in three quarters of an hour?
Contestant: 60.

Richard Madeley: On what day does new year's day fall?
Contestant: The 31st.

Fern Britton: Which actress starred in Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally?
Contestant: Tom Hanks.

The Weakest Link, BBC2

Anne Robinson: In which century was Hadrian's Wall built?
Contestant: The 18th century.

AR: In what part of the human body would you find the femur?
Contestant: The ears.

AR: Complete the title of this Oliver Goldsmith novel: The Vicar of...
Contestant: Dibley.

AR: In the animal kingdom, what is a John Dory?
Contestant: A rabbit.

AR: Who would Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara call on the red phone if they were in trouble?
Contestant: The prime minister.

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, ITV

Chris Tarrant: Who wrote the poem Paradise Lost?
A: Alexander Pope
B: Chaucer
C: Wilfred Owen
D: Milton
Contestant: No idea -- not even a guess.

Tarrant (asking the audience): "Jambon" is the French for which food?
Audience: 11 percent said jam.

Tarrant: Audience, who wrote the novel Wives and Daughters?
Audience: 49 percent said Jane Austen. (The contestant agreed with the audience and lost £7,000.)

Tarrant: Audience, who is the famous son-in-law of the actor Tony Booth?
Audience: 12 percent said Martin Clunes.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Answers

LOL - nice one Bobby. (:o)

Are you another one with time on their hands this afternoon? You normally stick to short, but hillarious, one liners! (;o)

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Media

Thursday December 7, 2000

Anne: Johnathon, despite the fact that one of the other contestants can't even spell your name correctly, they have voted YOU the Weakest Link. Goodbye.

Wednesday December 6

Anne: Darren, adding up not one of your strong points?
Darren: No, not really.
Anne: You're a member of the Eurovision song contest fan club, aren't you? What do you do when they're working out the scores?
Darren: Just sit there and sing the songs.
Anne: Do you think you're on the right show today?

Tuesday December 5

Anne: It was certainly interesting to find you thinking of a parka as a pen rather than an overcoat... Goodbye!

Monday December 4

Anne: Alistair, not a brilliant start. You've voted off Carol, but she didn't get as many wrong as you, did she?
Alistair: No. Anne: No. That would have been difficult, actually. But Gordon, you managed it.

Friday November 24

Anne: (referring to the ornately written name on the voting board)) Maurice, that's a very very pretty name you've drawn there.
Maurice: If I don't win this I'll go for artistic merit.
Anne: I don't think you'll win that either, Maurice.

Thursday November 23

Anne: Jim, why Pete?
Jim: In the first round I voted for him because I thought he could beat me, and in the second I wanted him out.
Anne: Okay, so you're not a team player?
Jim: In this case not.
Anne: Well, not at all actually.

Wednesday November 22

Anne: Aaron, you had a surprisingly good round. Was that a mistake?

Tuesday November 21

Anne: Well let me tell you, team, you got six questions wrong in a row. The idea is that as you vote off the Weakest Links you get better not worse.

Anne: Gordon, you've woken up!

Monday November 20

Anne: Well Caroline, you certainly did us proud when I asked you how many pennies in the pound pre-decimalisation. You thought there were one hundred. Wouldn't have been much point in decimalisation would there, Caroline?

Friday November 17

Anne: Jon, all four questions wrong - couldn't you be bothered to answer them?

Thursday November 16

Pat: I've drawn moths - I'm very artistic you see.
Anne: Well, that's a matter of opinion.

Wednesday November 15

Anne: Jill, are you a member of any clubs?
Jill: Yes (laughing).
Anne: What's funny about that?
Jill: I'm a former member of Mensa.
Anne: Former member of Mensa.... did they throw you out?

Tuesday November 14

Anne: Kaye, when you are staff training is there any arithmetic involved?
Kaye: No.
Anne: That's just as well isn't it, you took so long we thought you were counting it out.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Next time you have a quiz on here Bobby, it would be a good idea to keep the answers on a separate thread - no matter, I covered them up, didn't cheat, and I got them nearly all right. ;-)

That reminds me of an interview I once heard with Cilla Black on the Radio. She was talking about a local Liverpool Radio station where this DJ would ask those phoning in very easy questions and they'd get a small prize. The DJ's name was Billy and it seems that if the contestant was stuck they'd say "Give iz a clue Billy g'iz a clue".

Cilla quoted one program she heard thus:-
Billy : Who is the man credited with starting World War II?
Contestant : Er - G'iz a clue Billy, g'iz a clue
Billy (exasperated) : First name ADOLPH!
Contestant : That's not much of a clue is it?

After which the next punter rings in
Billy : Which famous Hollywood star was known as 'The Duke'?
Punter : G'iz a clue Billy g'iz a clue
Billy (in a western drawl) The hell I will. Punter : Aw - that's not fair Billy - you gave all them other ones a clue.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000