The atmosphere in the newly revived Greenspun Arms seems to be getting a bit heated in certain corners.

Duncan the Landlord must be pleased that the number of drinkers in there has increased dramatically over the past few weeks, resulting in record takings as more and more people are shunning the once fashionable 'half of shandy' in favour of a full bodied pint or five.

The volatility of the conversations has kept the Greenspun Arms alive and we must all be congratulated for keeping the place open.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Answers

Hey you. Are you talking to me? OK, I'll have a pint, thank you very much.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Are you saying I'm short?!?!?!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Wiz are never as happy as happy as when wuh have somethin' to moan about. Mine's a glass of Vorve Clicquot.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Sorry love, what was that? Sorry only Vodka and Gin for the ladies.

Be with you in a minute. What was that mate, fifteen pints of bitter?, be with you in a minute love!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Got any crisps?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Sorry I forgot to put the sign up.

NO PAYMENTS BY SWITCH OR CREDIT CARD ACCEPTED.

ALL ORDERS MUST BE FOR THREE OR MORE DRINKS.

THE MANAGEMENT RESERVE THE RIGHT TO REFUSE AND SAD MACKEM BASTARDS.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Oooh, I'd love a babycham

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

You're barred!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Sorry, didn't read the sign above. Can I have a baby cham a Pimms and Lemonade and a Malibu and coke?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

(said while dressed in dodgy large rim shades, and leather jacket)

Hey, I'd love a Babycham

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Can I have a super kingsize, double latte, moocha mucho, semi- skimmed, shaken but not stirred, extra caffine, Maxwell House, with a side order of Rothmans?

Okay, okay - I know - I`m barred!! (;o)

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Certainly are Gal!

Bobby and Kegsy you can have a pint and you'll be thankful.

Sorry we're out of crisps, this place has been heaving all week. I haven't had the chance to get down to the Cash'n'Carry yet. Where's the Landlord?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

What about cucumber sandwiches? You DO serve Traditional English Tea here, don't you? It says so right here in my Fodor's Guide

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

I suppose a prawn sandwich is out of the question?

I know........hat,coat, exit by the door beside the dart board!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Sorry, only Scampi fries, Dry Roasted Nuts (for the people who ask for Babycham) and there's some peanuts at the end of the bar that have been in that bowl for a while.

They look perfectly good to me!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Can I have a Pint?................................ . . . . . . . . . . of Babychamp

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Did aah tell yiz aah went to a footy match at the weekend? We woz sh!te. Nee midfield wirth taakin' aboot, and as fer them buggas in the boardroom, well if wez up to me aah'd.................waddyameen, ootside??

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

How many times?

We don't stock Babycham. The only trendy thing about the Greenspun Arms is the opening hours.........24 hours a day, 365 days a week (depending on the server).

Screacher, I don't want no trouble, alright?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

What's this Babychamp then? Is that some kind of Traditional English thing? Never heard of that in Wisconsin. Could I have some of that too? You know these barstools aren't very comfortable. Very small and I keep sliding off of them. Maybe it's the polyester pants? You should have regular chair like we have in the diners back home. Have you seen my husband? He's wearing a matching outfit to mine.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Always happy to welcome visitors from around the world.

I'll see what I can do about those bar stools. Some other people have been falling off them as well, but I suspect that is because they're drinking proper ale and not Babycham, which we don't stock.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Ciara, Babycham is simply the elixir of the gods. Delicate fragrance, medium bodied and a delight to the senses.

The fact that it tastes like fizzy bottle of Black Tower, advertised by a reindeer and is synonymous with the 1980s (as much as, say, blue eye shadow, drainpipe trousers and New Romantic hair) has no bearing on the amusement factor.

Think of a 1980s designer lemonade shandy.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

change for the bandit marra ?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Mmmmmmmmmm Brandy and Babycham :o)

But if you haven't got any I'll settle for a Snowball with ice and a cherry please.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

A bottle of cristal and 4 glasses pls Barman .. how Douggie ask Freddie if he wants a romeo and juliet will ya ?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Clarky there's a seat at the table for you too mate : - ))

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Howway, who wants the last twenty seven numbers on this domino card for the pub footy team funds ? Ten grand a number, twelve quid to the winner. Howway lads, dig deep, it's in a good cause.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

I'm sorry, but this beer is flat and tastes like piss; I would normally just drink up and say nowt as it's my local and all that, but we're paying top whack for it and deserve better.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Babycham? Puff's drink innit? Or is that Campari 'n Soda?

C'mon someone in here must know?

;-{)

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Hey Sting, me ol' mucker - glad to see you haven't let the bar stewards get you down. When are you off on your World tour?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Come to think of it there is a lot of fellas in here , are you looking at my t1ts ?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Sorry about the pint Softie. The Management have been buying this cheap foreign muck with no character. We've had loads of complaints recently.

All I can say is that I hope to have a full-bodied British pint back soon.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Is thoo caalin my Martini n soda ra puff n' aal ?

Howway, oot the back. Noo.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

ANY CHANCE OF A BIT OF SERVICE AROUND HERE!

I've been waiting patiently for my pint but I'm getting a bit irate now. A PINT OF BITTER PLEASE!!!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

The Management also said "Them daft buggers'll pay no matter what shite we serve up so don't worry about them"

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Typical bloody Christmas. Can't get near yer local bar for the "once a year" brigade. HOWAY MAN! Aaa was ahead of him!!!"

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Ohhhh Pardon me for being so bold

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Does the juke box have any of that salsa music on barman , i really fancy a fiesta , howay lets do the lambada after aal it is christmas .

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Geordie, count yersel lucky we don't do the traditional thing with closing times and close at 3pm, now there is your pint, enjoy.

Sting, Saucy bugger, there might be some Ricky Martin on the video juke box soon if you're lucky, if you like that kind of thing! Each to their own.;0)

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Cheers marra. Is that aall the change I get? What time do you stop serving food?

gulp

Another pint ower here mate.

I see that Screacher is ootside in the rain. Barred?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Divvent mind if i bring the kids you in do ya .. 15 minutes should be enough for the time being cos i knaa the old gadgies dont like it too much , puts them off their beer .

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

anyone fancy a gan on the golf machine ?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Them peanuts on the bar have a funny smell 'n' taste. I wonder why?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Screacher's not barred. He asked someone for a fight ootside but nobody took him up on the offer. I thought he would have got thirsty by now and been back in?

Sting, keep those kids away from the peanuts!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

why like have they have been baggsed by somebody else ?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Well, kind of baggsied...if you were a dog or a un-neutured cat, perhaps you'd bagsy them in that manner...

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Barman can you order a cab for a Mr In The Know, he'll be along shortly - never lasts until closing if that Red Fella turns up (our pubs better than your pub).

Sting the kids don't want the peanuts - I saw them on the way in with a small man, packet of sweets and a cheeky smile.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

I suppose this term you better make mine .....a treble :-)

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

D'ya always have that effect LR? Walk into a pub and everyone gans quiet! ;-))

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Has he gone yet? Ken's due in anytime...

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

This could be interesting, shame my shift is about to end!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Evening staff are better.... fit birds eh? I might stay and have another few. Who's the designated driver?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Geordie - almost, 'cept that everyone just gans :-)

Only joshing, Lancy you old seahorse you...sea dog?...

These Happy Pills work a treat!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Oi LR nae pufing in the saloon or ill hoy ya out .

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Excuse me, Does this pub have Live Premier league Norwegian TV on Saturday afternoons?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Well, bu99er me. When did LR sneak in? aah've been waitin' aal this bliddy time ootside in the piggin' rain to catch him and the bu99a's been sittin' in there by the bliddy fire. Achooo! Oh, sorry Softie, I hope that didn't land in yer pint.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

BAck in after a long meeting. So Babycham is the English version of Champale(NY Eve 1980...bathtub full of the stuff...mooned by Iranians protesting something to do withour hostages...sitting in half circle infront of hotel elevator worshipping the God of the Pizza Box as it rode the elevator) and Strawberry Hill (drink of choice at all marching band parties). ahhhhh...the high school daze. %-)

I'll have that pint now. What's Sting doing in the corner with Gav?? eeeuuugh!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Oi sah, De yer dee discoont for penshiners like ?, Yer dee , smashin, fill the bar son, just got mee Winter Fool Lowance , Highland Park for me, Pit the Elder, Clarky , and young Jonno, get stuck in, us aul bugars got te stick together, Whees fer 5`s and 3`s

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Bliddy hell Missus, jes tripped ower your shit-su , spilt me pint, nivver seen the little sod, aye pint of best bitter will be fine pet, wots yer name like, Galaxy, Galaxy , name like that yer not from aroond here, aal the best bonny lass

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Taxi for Swift - nee hanging aboot

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Does anyone fancy gannin' for a Ruby after this?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Chippa`s will de me

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Aall reet, Buff. With added batta?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Aye pet, mushy peas anall, and get a bottle of Tizer to wash it doon. couple of bars of chocolate fer wor lass and the bairns, keep em happy. (The prototype chavenistic Geordie of yore - believe me ladies that happened - nee proud of it)

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Aam sorry lads aa cannit have owt the neet - aam not ower weel. Aa had 3 pints of scotch at the Arsenal game and by hell - aa hev ti hand it ti the Cockneys meynd - th' can cortainly tek theor beor. It wiz leyk rocket fuel man - aa wiz PALatic - mortal. Aa've only just cum roond this mornin'.

Aye aal reet ye'v twisted me arm - aal hev a smaal one then - te start with ....

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Sorry aah've been a lang time lyuk. LR got wu in the snug and spilled a few confy denses. Aah wez right. He iz a closet Toon supporter. Well, aah think he sayed summat lyuk that (ye knaa he's got a funny accent, wot wi aal that travlin' lyuk). Myund, or seccund thowts, he might ha sayed Can aah show yi me supporter in the closet? Gud job aah saw Steph at the bar or aah cudda been in a very aakwaad position.

Buff - are ye taakin' footy? When did Chippa sign? Aah nivvor thowt McGinga wud let him gaan. Canny player myund, tho aah'd prefer his mate Gadgie. Aye, aalreet Granda, aah heva pint o' best.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Taxi for Swift, last chance , not hinging aboot

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Excuse me Bob de Builder, can you cash me giro-see me through the neet

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

SSSHHHH >>>>>>SSSHHHHH>>>>>>>>SSSSHHHHHHHH>>>>>>>>>>>SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH

Quiet PLEASE, Bit O Order, SSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHH>>>>>>DARTS ON>>>>>>>

RHubarb - Rhubarb - Rhubarb - Blah - Blah -Blah - one hundred and

Eighty, Darts Gav = Get in Gav - Keep em there Gav = shhhhh>>>>sssshh

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Are we having a lock in? Great I'll have a pint.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Hi Kegsy. OOhhh me heed! What day is it? I just fell asleep under this bench. F^%k me it's mornin'. What time do they open up?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Oooh, me heed hurts and ah only had 5 ciders and blacks, 6 bottle of Hooch and a couple of Tequila slammers. Anyone fancy a nice fried breakfast before we start again?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

I'll join you for that breakfast Dougal but you can have my black puddin'

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Pint of HSB please. Quiet in here today. Packet of Pork Scratchings as well
Cheers!

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Got any bottles of Bud or Miller for the young lightweights around here?

Corr look at the tits on that barmaid!!

Got a boyfriend have ya pet?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Andy - that's not the bar maid. It's Andreas Andersson and JDT. Mind, ye must have had a canny neet oot last neet. Right aboot the tits tho'.

Aah'll hev a bottle o' Dog while yer in.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Hoy! I was sitting there!!

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Whey ya bugga, aah didn't kna yer were black, Geordie!

Shandy fer me, and a couple of paracetamol, Andrea - or is it Jean-darhling.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Eee ya reet 'n aal Screacher. Mind you I've got a thing for blondes and aahv aalways liked the name Andrea so....

Bliddy hell barman what y' put in me bottle o' Bud man? Ahm comin ower aahl funny like!

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Black!!! aal hev yee sonny jim.
Aall assume yer meant back

Oh gan on then.. I'll join you in a swift one.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Who put this music on the juke box? It's shite man!

Bliddy hell what a din.

BARMAN TORN THAT RACKET DOON MAN WILL YER, WU CANNIT HERE WASELLS THINK OWER HERE!

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

How, is there a Mr Screacher here. You're wanted on the telephone.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Can I tell my joke now??

"An Olympic athlete is subjected to a drugs test, and the next day he's informed that he tested positive for a banned substance. He adamantly denies ever taking drugs, and is sent for an interview with officials and doctors.

During his interview, one of the doctors asks him to account for his activities during the previous 48 hours.

The athlete explains that he'd spent two days preparing for the heats and final of his race at the warm-up track and stadium, but that the night before the final he'd sneaked out of the Olympic village with some team mates to find a bar and calm his nerves. He told the doctor that gradually, one by one, the other athletes left until it was only him and a woman in the bar. Since he was by himself, he sat with her and bought her a drink, and pretty soon, she asked him back to her nearby apartment.

The doctor asked, "Then what happened?"

He told the doc that as soon as they got there, the woman became quite amorous, and she performed oral sex on him, and then asked him to perform oral sex on her.

"Don't tell me that you did it!!" said the doctor.

"Sure I did", answered the athlete. "Why, what's the matter?"

"Well", said the doctor, "That's why you tested positive. That was a "barbitchyouate".

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Sorry - didn't hear ye caal. Wheez'it? Oh, and anutha Dog while aah'm heor. Any bugga else???

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Lordy me, thats a five to eleven joke that man Scratchy!

Ahm faar to sober t' be laughing at that...barman gis another couple o' bottles will yi?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Screach - there's a Claire Swire asking after yer (read yer email:-))

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Haway Geordie man - I was reforring te yeh offrin ya black puddin to Dougal.
Yer knaa, a wus tryin ter be hoomerus like! Hhmmm.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Somebody gan 'n get the dominoes will yus? Aahm bored sick here.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Thanks Scratchy. Aah aalready telt hor ti bu99a off. Aye, that's reet, aah give hor a mouthful.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

If that Claire Swire is roond here, mind yi divvint let her have a drink oot o ya pint.......it'll never taste the same agen.......

Has that puff from Manchester left yit?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Some bugger's nicked the doms. Anyone fancy a game of cribbage?

hoy us another beer landlord!

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Geordie, aah'd ratha hev a gaem o' arras. See, aah've got this grand pitcha o' Monkey Heed and aah need the target practiss. Oh - while yer buyin' (fer a change) a nutha pyunt o' best'll be smashin'

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Aaalreet Screach. What's it to be? Killer, 501, cricket? You name it... aaal gi ye a reet postin.
Pint on it?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

I say, landlord, are these young chaps Geordies? Well, gor blimey, I'm a cockney. Fancy a fight, what?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

well I'm off. That posh chap looks like he's itching for a fight so I'll leave that up to the younguns. Gotta catch me bus hyem.

Oi Poshie! yer pints a puff!!!...

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Ah'm off, too. Youse lot are aalreet, like, but there are free drinks are work now.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Tee hee. Dougal's p15hed aalreddy and she's off ti a posh do at work. Aah wunda if Claire Squires'll be theor?

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

YES, .... yesss , get in

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000