Yes, it's the Northumberland Senior Cup match tomorrow night. A big game that we can't afford to lose. Here's my 11:

Harper

Barton Caldwell Hughes Griffin

Lee

Solano Dyer Acuna Speed

Luax2

On the bench, I'll have Karelse, Marcelino, Domi, Glass and Mickey Mouse. I'll be pleased if that lot get away with anything less than a 5-0 defeat.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Answers

Forgot to say....... .
Bobby Robson to act as sponge man.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

We'll need to use RL as a sweeper behind the back 4 - WB have two big buggars up front. In addition I doubt a m/f with both Solano and Dyer will effectively compete with the Bay m/f who tackle like tigers.

Looks like being a tough one - could go to a replay!

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

WHAT?!! Not starting with Mouse?? ARe you nuts? Mouse is the best midfielder we've got!! And I notice the Tweedles didn't even make the squad. Might as well concede the game now.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Ciara, Dee and Dum have asked for transfers so are out of favour. YBR has sent Wadsworth to Trumpton on a scouting mission.... watch this space.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

...and sadly, Humpty Dumpty is cup-tied. What does that say about our transfer buying policy?

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Dumpty has been on the treatment bench(es) for weeks. All the King's horses and men have been sent. I think it's gone well beyond a cortisone injection now.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Aye, but he's a crackin' player when he's on top of his wall game.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

He's all right if there's a sweeper about.

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

A sweeper? Nah, you're surely yoking. He simply goes to pieces when under pressure. Mind, I hear he did well in the cup!

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Not the sort of player you want when your backs are against the wall. Too chicken for my liking. Far too easily beaten.
Stop egging me on Screach...

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

>>>>Not the sort of player you want when your backs are against the wall.

So you're saying he wouldn't be any good lining up against a freekick? What's he like with chips?

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

Freekicks? Chips?

Not much in it really - it's six of one and half a dozen of other. I'm surprised we shelled out on him. Who hatches up these ideas? We should never have wisked it Scweach...

-- Anonymous, December 11, 2000

my team:

buff

jonno screacher sting bobby

ciara dougal clarky scratchy

gav ITK

on the bench: min, debuilder, rik, tynedale, loony, gus

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

jonno: capitani, of course. I expect guts, glory, blood, sweat and tears. I'd also like you to supply the half time oranges.

screacher: you will be expected to be scoring goals from set pieces as well as frightening the opposition with your les battersby impressions.

dougal: gammy leg or not, you've no excuse for not 'getting stuck in'. You can wield that crutch with menace.

ciara: expect foraging runs down the right flank as well as frequents visits to the fridge to stock up on beer and torch games with your cat.

; o ))

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Olivier Bernard will make his NUFC debut tonight if the match gets the go-ahead, report NUFC.com.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Eggzactly right, but what's Humpty like in a goal mouth scramble from a set piece ?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Woah just seen the team! On the bench, 5 goals in 4 games for Construction Cowboys XI against teams from other college courses including the Graphic Designers,(who always played football and never worked!).

Oh well I suppose I'll have to wate and take my chance whenever the opportunity arises.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Sorry, but I refuse to go in behind Ciara and Dougal. I have my principles after all. I'm a striker and I'm going on strike unless I regain my rightful position.

I suggest you move me up front Min and make ITK play the role of gola post. I don't think we had enough coats last time and those we had moved quicker than Ken.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Not even on the bench?? I'm taking my ball and I'm going home....sniff....

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

min, my transfer request is in the post. If I can't even make the subs bench then it's time to find a more ambitious club that will appreciate my talents.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Mutiny in the ranks already. Where's yer bottle people??

De Builder shows the true spirit required in this, the toughest of matches. He is hereby promoted to Centre Back with Hot-Shot Battersby hisself, Screacher, moved to his favoured CF position in Gav's continued absence. Steph, promising youngster, is also promoted to the bench in place of min who retires gracefully after puking in a bin on the way to the ground. [dodgy candy floss from Spanish City]. Steph - bring yer ball back - we need it!

Geordie - you're on loan to Darlo and as such, are ineligble for this one. I half expected it from THE PART TIMER [ITK] but you Geordie - you disappoint me, son...

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Howay min! If I play for Darlo I could get cup-tied and be ineligible for later rounds of this prestigous(sp?) trophy.

My agent reckons that North Shields 4th 11 seniors are interested in me so be careful. Of course my heart is with your team and I don't really want to play for anyone else etc....

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Centre back? I'm only 5'11"!

Aaron Hughes role for me then, with a touch of Matt Elliott goalscoring prowess.

Screacher as my partner? what a combination.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

So my work permit has come through in time? Fantastic! I must say it's an honour to be playing in front of such wonderful fans for such a wonderful team and wonderful coach. I'm looking forward to doing my part to win things with this team and to finish out my career wearing the black and white with pride.

Excuse me, my agent is on the phone...something about Barcelona

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Dang press always blowing things out of proportion! That was supposed to be in smaller font. Sheesh.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

On a more serious note:

This is the side for the reserve match tonight: He(Bernard) is likely to line up alongside Gary Caldwell, David Beharall and Ryan McGuffie in a youthful defence.

Diego Gavilan, Brian Kerr, Stuart Green and Pedro Dimas are also pencilled in for midfield berths while Shola Ameobi and Jamie Coppinger could start up front for Tommy Craig's second string.

Now that strikes me as a well balanced 4-4-2, on the left side we have a left back (Wow!) and on the left of midfield we have a Left Midfielder (Wow!)

Replace Karelse with Given and stick Hughes and Caldwell Snr in for Beharall and Caldwell Jnr, and let them play against Bradford?

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

min, I'll pay to play

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

We can't have De Builder in the side. He's far too boring. Talking about Saturday. Howay man, be reasonable, after we get beaten tonite, the club will be disbanded.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Left back??? You trying to say I'm a natural 'left footer'???

Besides, nufc.com have other plans for tonight...

"The Whitley Bay v Newcastle United Senior Cup clash scheduled for today has been called off due to the state of the pitch at Hillheads.

No new date has been announced, but it will be in the New Year."

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Typical of the organisation round here.

Why didn't they wait till most of the crowd had turned up before calling it off ?

This is going to inconvenience absolutely nobody.

I despair. And it's the best I've felt all week.

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Ok, while we're here...

Last one in Spanish City's a wimp!

rush, rush, run, rush

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

That was a helluva forward line Bobby. When exactly did you mange to clone the human form? Oh, I see, not human......

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

Can I play for the Bay please? I used to collect the ball from the allotments when I was a bairn. And you know that 7,301 against Hendon? Well I was the 1. Haway the Bay!

-- Anonymous, December 12, 2000

FROM THE RONNIEGILL: "tonight's postponement paves the way for the manager to recall promising left-sided winger 'gus' who's shown a stunning turn of feet and quickness of wallet in recent weeks. " aye, he's certainly shown his true worth - 8 goals in 7 games and £100 in Premium Bonds did the trick" enthused his manager. "I got the idea from Geordie" claimed gus. Whether he plays from the start remains to be seen. Auld Warhorse hisself, Screacher will take some shifting from his pivotal role as roving striker [Manchester, Minnesota, Highbury]. "He's developing a top class partnership with Part-Timer" said min. "There are still doubts about ITKs fitness after the Regent's Park debacle' though it's always good to have back up of Geordie's calibre.

Doubts over Scratchy's left wing abilities continue to frustrate and concern the fans, while Dougal faces a late fitness test on a crutch fracture. Ciara has gained clearance to play with a work permit arriving just in time. Reports that it was faked by 'some lad she met working on a stall at The Hoppings' have been dismissed by the club and remain unsubstantianted. Also reportedly 'wide of the mark' are rumours that she's off to barca - something to do with her opening a bank account. Clarky's combative midfield style means Tynedale remains on the bench in the Australian Hotel where he was last seen challenging Loony to down pints of XXXX.

The ever reliable, gutsy perfomances of Jonno at RB should certainly inspire the team while Bobby continues in his 'left back' slot, confounding, confusing and amusing critics and fans alike with his pink lycra cycling shorts and baseball cap with 'Le Saux' scribbled on it. Buff 'The Cat' Callaghan keeps his role in goal as lucky mascot , while Sting, fresh as a daisy after his recent 'sabbatical' earns his 15th cap for the Black and White's. The classy, Dutch short-arse De Builder completes the line up despite being under pressure from Steph, threatening to take her ball home if she isn't picked.

Finally, the latest from the on-going Geordie-saga: Ronnie understands that Geordie will be recalled from his loan spell at Feethams on the condition that he refuses to sign for the South Gosforth 8th Boy Scouts. "I understand the lad's frustrated" claimed his manager, "but to hold the club to ransom like this is simply irresponsible. 4 goals in 5 games is a good record, but not when the calibre of the opposition are from Sunderland...." said min.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000

Very good :-) Although I imagine you'll be wanting your cycling shorts and cap back soon...

-- Anonymous, December 13, 2000