And I am bored With a long week ahead.

But less than three weeks to two weeks off :o)

Anyone know any good jokes?

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Answers

What's the difference between a Rhino, a Lemon and some Super Glue?

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

... go on...

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

You can squeeze a Lemon but you can't squeeze a Rhino!

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

De B,

I would like to draw your attention to Jay's request:
Anyone know any good jokes?

Thank you.

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Go on....I'll ask, so where does the super glue fit in?

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

AArrh no-one is going to set up the punchline! You ar enow supposed to say what about the Super Glue (read the joke!) To which I reply I thought that's where you'd get stuck!!! Boom Boom.

Come one it's Monday!

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Cheers ITK unfortunately we posted at the same time!

Well I can't see anyone else making the effort!

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

OK.... nice try ;-(

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

....and I thought it was going to be funny.......you are getting as bad as me......nah sorry, that's not possible.......

Quick question........If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they be known as FedUp :0)

Well.........it's not quite as bad as yours!

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Whats the difference between a seagull and a baby????

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

All I can say is roll on 4pm Friday :-))

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Kennyboy.......one flits along the shore.....while the other!

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

While the other what?????? I am hanging on a thread here!

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Aw c'mon Jay, don't try to make me use bad language.....work it out girl, as the bishop said to the actress!

If all the cars in the United Kingdom were painted a very light red colour, would we be a pink car-nation

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Something tells me that you have a library full of crap jokes ITK?

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

www.crap.jokes.for.itk.com :o)

Says it all really

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

THE LAD'S PRAYER Our beer
Which art in bottles
Hallowed be thy sport
Thy will be drunk
I will be drunk
At home as it is in the pub
Give us each day our daily beverage
And forgive us our spillage
As we forgive those who spillest against us
And lead us not into wine tasting
And deliver us from Tequila
For mine is the bitter
The totty and the footy
Forever and ever
Barmen !

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Hey DB......not only ONE......

If all the make-up artists at the BBC were laid end to end......would anone bne surprised?

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Ali G went to his mate's fancy dress costume party wearing nothing but a girl on his back.

"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked indignantly.

"I Iz a snail," Ali replied.

The exasperated host asked, "How can you be a snail when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

Ali replied. "Dat Iz Michelle."

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

This may be a bit dodgy, but here goes anyway...

A guy works a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He works the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm in bed having sex with her."

The boss says, "You have sex with your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Mick is leading so far with that one......it has also found its way into the databank of www.crap-joke-for-itk.com

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

Baz was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that its his daughters birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. he drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant "How much is that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie goes to the gym for $19.95, Barbie goes to the ball for $19.95, Barbie goes shopping for $19.95, Barbie goes to the beach for £19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Baz asks "Why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?" "Thats obvious" the shop assistant says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Kens House, Kens car, Kens boat, Kens furniture....."

-- Anonymous, December 04, 2000

A man carried his unconscious dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said. "Bark"

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also checked out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!" The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..." 80)

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

LOL - funny ITK!

Woman goes into the butcher`s and says `Morning. Have you got a sheep`s head?` Butcher replies, `No, it`s just the way I comb my hair!`

Tadaaaaa! My one and only joke! (:o)

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

You don't need any others Galaxy - it's a beauty. ;-)

One of my all time faves comes from Spike Milligan's "Adolph Hitler - My Part in his Downfall". Soldier Milligan is queuing for food at the NAAFI. A ladleful of some unmentionable gruel is dumped unceremoniously on his plate.

Milligan asks "Whats this then?"

"It's bean stew"

"I don't want to know what it's been mate - I want to know what it is now"

That kills me every time I tell it!

Galaxy if you've got R4 on at present I've just heard some excellent Tommy Copper stuff.

I went to the Dr I said "Dr every time I lift my arm like this it hurts" - 'e said "Well don't do it then"

I went to a restaurant last night - I ordered everything in French and surprised everyone - it was a Chinese restaurant.

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

What's the difference betrween a barrow boy and a dog with no hind legs?

One bawls out his wares and the other one - has difficulty in walking. ;-)

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

DATE RAPE DRUG ALERT...........

Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl.

There is a new drug called beer, that is essentially in liquid form.

The drug is now being used by female sexual predators and 'double baggers' at parties to convince their male victims to have sex with them.

The shocking statistic is that beer is available virtually anywhere!

All girls have to do is buy a beer or two for almost any guy and simplyask the bloke home for no-strings attached sex. Men are literallyrendered helpless against such attacks.

Blimey, you can almost feel their eyes, mentally undressing you, blummin wimmin..



-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

Beer - an oldie, but a goodie

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water.Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
you're in. FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

Certainly not PC

A lunatic runs into a laundrette, has sex with all the women using the machines and then rushes out.

Headlines in the newspaper next day:

"Nut Screws Washers & Bolts"

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

Might as well have my two pennorth.

Judge. Does the accused have anything to say in his defense ?

Accused. Fuck all melud.

Judge. Usher, did the defendant say something ?

Usher. He said 'Fuck all', melud

Judge. That's funny, I could have sworn his lips moved.

Next case please

Judge. What gear was the defendant in as he approached the scene of the subsequent crash.

Defendant. The same gear I'm wearing now melud.

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

Why does Rupert Bear wear yellow and red chequered trousers?

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

I don`t know Softie - why DOES Rupert Bear wear yellow and red chequered trousers? .............

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

A chap is on a walking holiday in Ireland when he hears a little voice a-yellin'. He comes across a leprachaun stuck in a peat bog and pulls him out. The wee feller is so grateful he tells the chap "From now on, you will be the luckiest man in the world". The chap goes back to town to test this out. He goes to a pub and on walking through the door is congratulated on being their one millionth customer and awarded a cheque for ten grand. He then gets a call on his mobile saying an old aunt he never knew has died and left him her five-bed house in Mayfair. Suddenly he notices an Indian woman along the bar. She is the most stunning woman he's ever seen. As soon as he notices her, she comes up and starts chatting him up. She can't keep her hands off him. They leave the pub, go back to his hotel and have fantastic sex. In the midst of the passion, he's stroking her face. He runs his fingers over the bindi (yes, the little dot) on her forehead and notices that it's starting to come off. He keeps rubbing and it completely comes away, revealing tiny writing on her forehead. It says "You have won a car!"

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

The Rabbi was crying and praying to Jehovah. Jehovah says what's the matter Rabbi. The rabbi retorts "what am I going to do? my son has become a Christian" to which Jehovah replies "You coming to me, my boy"

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

I never laughed at all at this....but did learn what a bindi was LOLOLOLOLO...

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

Galaxy....that wasn't a joke from Softie.....it was a real question......young Robert asked him it last night and he deosn't know!

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000

If you've heard it before you'll know why I can't tell you the answer ;-)

-- Anonymous, December 05, 2000