For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. Awe Schitt married O. Krapp, the fertilizer magnate. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, whose maiden name by the way is Wayhosae. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against his parents' objections, Deap Schitt married a high school dropout. He never brought his wife Dumb Schitt home to see his parents. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married a girl named Loda. Dip Schitt and Loda Schitt produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens twins in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt- Happens nuptials. Their children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2000