And yes Rik,.....you can nick it for your site if you want to....

THE ROPE

Having been saved from a most hostile and inhumane situation, 11 people were hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter.

Ten were Makems and one was a Geordie.

They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who would go, so finally the Geordie gave a really touching speech saying how he would give up his life to save the others, because Geordies were used to giving up things for their betters, and were used to giving to the full advancement of others and not receiving anything in return.

When he finished speaking all the Makems applauded.

MORAL: Never underestimate the power of a Geordie.

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2000

Answers

RailCrack Announces National Lottery Bid Railway operator RailCrack has today announced a surprise late bid to run the national lottery. "We've been running a f***ing lottery on the rail network for years", said Ronnie Corbett, RailCrack's Chief Executive, "so this is a natural progression". Under the proposals, a player will buy a "season ticket" to make five return journeys a week at peak times. "You nominate timetabled trains for each day, and if all ten come in on time and in one piece you win the jackpot", he said, "a reserved seat in first class for the rest of your life, or a year, whichever is shorter". Corbett confirmed that RailCrack were going to be giving over a significant amount of money to good causes: ".. things like leaves on the line, floods and vandalism - These are good causes that we can blame on other people, as opposed to bad causes like dodgy track or faulty signalling, which we're in danger of being held responsible for ourselves". RailCrack is the main player in the Crashalot consortium formed for the franchise bid. Other backers include US software giant Micro$haft who promise to put in new machines that make buying a ticket a lottery in itself. Crashalot are also planning a special "Rollover" game, where players pick the next scheduled train service they think will roll over.

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2000

I had to laugh at this one just because of the situation I was in when I heard it.

I was looking after two young lads, both 12 years old who had been caught sneak thieving from one of the buildings I was working in. When the police arrived I stayed in the room while they searched them. One of the lads said to the copper " Have you ever seen a maggot throw up?" The copper said "No" as he emptied the lads shoe. "try W@nking a bit quicker" replied the kid.

-- Anonymous, November 28, 2000