How to Shower Like a Woman: > >>> > >>>Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper > >>>according to > >>>lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing > >>>long > >>>dressing gown. If husband seen along the way cover up any exposed > >>>flesh and > >>>rush to the bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and > >>>stick out > >>>belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for > >>>facecloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice > >>>stone. > >>>Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added > >>>vitamins. > >>>Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamphrey shampoo with 83 added > >>>vitamins. > >>>Condition hair with cucumber and lamphrey conditioner with enhanced > >>>natural > >>>crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed > >>>apricot > >>>facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body > >>>with > >>>Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair > >>>taking at > >>>least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. Shave armpits > >>>and > >>>legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. > >>>Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure > >>>and turns > >>>red hot. Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray > >>>mould > >>>spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small > >>>African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check > >>>entire > >>>body for remotest sign of spots. (Attack with nails/tweezers if you > >>>find > >>>them). Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. > >>>If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom > >>>to > >>>spend hour and a half getting dressed. > >>> > >>>How to Shower Like a Man: > >>> > >>> > >>>Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk > >>>naked > >>>to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey!! > >>>Look > >>>in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of > >>>knob in > >>>mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in > >>>shower. Don't bother to look for wash cloth - don't need one. Wash > >>>face. > >>>Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash > >>>bollocks and > >>>the surrounding area. Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair > >>>but do > >>>not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back > >>>curtain > >>>to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of > >>>shower. Fail > >>>to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole > >>>shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles > >>>and > >>>admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat > >>>on > >>>floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel > >>>around > >>>waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go "Yeah baby" and > >>>thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterday's clothes. > >>

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2000

Answers

I think I am a woman

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2000

We already knew that Rik......we already knew! ;0)

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2000

And just how did you know ITK? Been peeping, eh?

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2000

.....anyone with the fixation on leather that you've got has got to be a bit of a tart. ;0)

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2000

Don't tell me Rik's into Imperial Leather. Of course I'd have you down as a Camaydienne.

-- Anonymous, November 22, 2000

Hah !! You want it Java styleee ?? Get up with the call to prayer about 05.00>>>>>>>> make as much noise as possible just in case the mosque didn't wake every one>>>>>>>> switch on TV, radio,VCD player to maximum volume (this is relatively simple because all entertainment items are set at MAX/10 permanently anyway, thank fvck they haven't heard of Spinal Tap !!) >>>open every window and door in the house>>>> hold shouted conversation with someone three house away>>>>>> undress>>>>> put on nightie (????)>>>>>>>>> take off nightie >>> put on baggy T shirt >>>>> take off baggy T shirt >>> put on sari >>>> put all toilet items in a bucket >>> take out >>> put in again >>> whilst passing motorbike (which is in the bedroom) press electric start >>>>>>> rev for about five minutes to fill the room with exhaust fumes >>> switch off >>>> leave quickly heading for the river, rockpool and waterfall >>>>>> shout at friends on the way >>>> >>>>>> gather group of friends, relations, schoolgirls etc. >>>> all head for the river together >>> satrip naked and splash about in the ice cold water................and it's about here I remember why I love the place............because they don't give a toss about who is sitting on the banks of the river watching..........never happened to me in Walker.............

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2000

In a similar vein.

Newly discovered elements.

Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: Wo
Atomic Weight: (don’t even go there)

Physical properties:
Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a more aesthetically pleasing specimen.

Usage:
Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

------------------------------------------------------------

Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: Xy
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties:
Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. It is almost impossible to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it gets. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Can be neutralised by saturating with alcohol.

Usage:
None known. Possibly good methane source, particularly if certain exotic proteins and alcohols are utilised as catalysts. Good samples of the element are able to produce large quantities of the gas on demand. Has a very high staining co-efficient, particulary in the vicinity of certain light coloured natural and synthetic fibre composites.

Caution:
In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell disgustingly.

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2000

Hey nowt wrong with Imperial Leather I use it all the time.

Soap, shower gel, bubble bath, the works!

:o)

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2000

I don't think it is the product Jay, rather the uses it is put to!

-- Anonymous, November 23, 2000