This bloke is working on the buses and collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there is woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the bloke is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he is sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there ?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana ?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go ?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets his job back on the buses selling tickets. Yet again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. The bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all the worlds electricity to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch." The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a zillion million trillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that." He stroked his chin. "Its something to do with that green banana isn't it ?" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a bad conductor."

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000

Answers

This nun in full gear gets into a taxi. After being driven for a few miles the nun notices that the taxi driver is obviously a little uncomfortable about something. "What's up?" says the nun. Taxi driver replies, "I've always had this really vivid fantasy about snogging a nun - how d'ye feel about it?" The nun thinks, well if it'll make him feel better it's the christian thing to do so replies, "OK, but on two conditions - you must be free and unattached and you must be a Roman Catholic". The taxi driver says, "Well, it just so happens I'm free and unattached and I was indeed born a Roman Catholic". So he pulls into a layby, gets into the back seat and they have a brief but very intense snogging session - tongues, the lot.

Driver then gets in the front seat and carries on driving. After a couple more miles the nun notices the driver is a bit unsettled again and so says, "What's up now?". "I have a confession to make", he says. "I'm married with four kids and I'm Jewish." "Don't worry" says the nun, "my name's Lionel and I'm on the way to a fancy dress party"!

-- Anonymous, November 15, 2000